Love, Kayla

Dear NICU Mama,

I hope you know how STRONG you are! I noticed you the other day while I was pushing my twins on the infant floor of the hospital. We were heading through those same NICU doors, but we were there for a very different reason this time. You stopped at the big sinks to wash your hands as I proceeded into the waiting area to prepare for my girls to get their eye exams done. You walked slowly, as if you were still in pain from birthing your baby. Your face was stained with tears and you looked exhausted. I knew that look and I remembered that feeling. I wanted to get up and give you a hug. I wanted to let you know that I know how it feels to be scared, sad, feeling hopeless, and maybe having self blame because I was you nine months ago.

As I would sit at my daughter’s beds waiting for their doctors to come do rounds, I could feel the lump in my throat. Will I get good news today? I watched those same monitors and jumped at every single beep. I have cried that same silent cry as I said goodbye to my very tiny daughters for the night making sure their blankets were just right, that their machines weren’t going off, and that their nurse was around to keep an eye on them. I put my hand on their incubator, promising them that I’d be back before they woke in the morning. As I prepare to leave I get a sharp pain in my abdomen where my tiny babies should still be growing. I wipe my tears before I exit the doors so I don’t have to assure any strangers in the hallway that I’m ok. I wasn’t ok.

I know it’s hard to see me here with my healthy and very BIG babies, but the journey here wasn’t easy. As you pass by the waiting room, I wanted to tell you that even though I don’t know you personally, I pray for your baby and that in a couple months it will seem as surreal for you as it does for me. That the fear and uncertainty you feel only slows down as the time passes. And when your baby makes it out of these NICU walls, I will rejoice with you. I have been there, and you are not alone. I know how much this hurts, and I know how much you hurt. I share this pain, burden, and fear with you because I was you.

Love,

Kayla

More of Kayla’s Story:

Kayla and her daughter’s spent 115 days in two NICU’s with her daughters who were born at 22 weeks and 2 days. Her daughters were given 0% chance of survival and it took 4 days of active fighting while in labor to save their lives. They recently turned 1 adjusted and are completely healthy and thriving in every way possible!