Love, Joelle

Dear NICU Mama,

My hope for you in 2020 is that you begin to forgive yourself for whatever it is you think you could have or should have done differently. My hope is that you learn to be proud of the strong things you have done every day. Because simply showing up for your baby and for yourself makes you Wonder Woman.

Congratulations on your beautiful baby. You did it! You made it through pregnancy and birth. You’ve surrendered your body to the fire of motherhood, and are still watching things burn away. Expectations. Outcomes. Hopes. Fears.

‘It’s not your fault…’ I absolutely hated hearing that phrase! I wanted to scream, ‘What do you know?! This baby was formed INSIDE OF MY BODY How can it NOT BE MY FAULT?!’ What I think they meant was - we know you didn’t choose this. It was not your doing, your choice, or your plan. The world is broken, and we don’t have the answers. There is no explanation that will satisfy - and it’s the most frustrating thing in the world.

When I think of you now in the middle of your story, I believe wholeheartedly that this really wasn’t your fault. So, maybe it wasn’t my fault either. Maybe who my baby is, is more important than answering ‘Why?’ Maybe we can begin to forgive ourselves and let go of that extra weight of guilt.

I bless you with peace and hope that goes beyond the hard reality of your situation. But most of all I bless you with love. Love for yourself and for your baby. You may not always be a mama in the NICU… but no matter what, you will always be a NICU mama. Well done. Praying for the healing of your heart on your journey home.

Love,

Joelle

More of Joelle + Lucy’s Story:

20 week scan showed extra fluid in her brain. 

Induced at 35w6d because mom had signs of preeclampsia. 

Surgery on day 1 to remove & close a leaking bump on the back of her head. 

The left side of her heart is smaller and she had extra fluid in her brain. 

Had a g tube and shunt placed before leaving the nicu.

5 surgeries in 5 months! 52 days in the nicu. Came home on sister’s birthday. 

Countless appointments and specialists since then. 

Slowly doing everything they said that she wouldn’t do. Said “mama!” On 1/4/2020.