Love, Jennie

JANUARY | “My Hope for you in 2020 is…”

Alexander was born at 28 weeks and 2 days gestation.

Dear NICU Mama, 

            My hope for you in 2020 is that you find yourself. Having an infant in the NICU is an all-consuming experience and in those days, it is easy to lose yourself. Your focus is 100% on this tiny baby. It’s on them when you are there with them, when you are home trying to sleep, on long car rides, always. The what-ifs and how-comes will take over your being, but I hope you’re able to bring yourself back. 

 In my experience, you will never be who you were before the NICU. It changes you. Something about leaving the hospital every night and leaving others to care for your baby, fully knowing this is in their best interest, goes against every single instinct you have. It will change you.

Bringing my son home brought out a fierceness in me that I can never truly put into words. Watching my older two children adapt to the new normal that was being in daycare and hearing about their brother who they never even met, watching Alexander go through the battles that he did, it all changed my priorities. It changed me to my core. I found myself again but I also found these other qualities of mine that must have been hiding my entire life. 

I hope when the fire subsides and rain dries up, that you find yourself and all the qualities that are buried deep within you emerge. I hope you can feel your strength in your bones, that you always know that you are the center of the world to your little fighter, and I hope that that knowledge gives you some peace in your heart. You’re never alone. Us NICU parents are an army and if you cannot find yourself again, come to us and we will help you.

Love,

Jennie, Mom of a 28- Weeker and Necrotizing Enterocolitis survivor

More of Jennie + Alexander’s journey written by Jennie:

            Our NICU story could fill hundreds of pages of paper and evoked hundreds of emotions in strangers. It long and terrifying and strengthening. It was not only the hardest experience of my life as a mother, but also a very challenging time for my older two children, Christopher (age 4) and Elizabeth (age 2). Our struggles were not confined in the walls of the hospital but instead bled into every aspect of our lives, every second of everyday, and even now that time of our lives still effects everything we do as parents.

            Alexander was born on July 18, 2019 at 28 weeks and 2 days gestation. My water had broken at 24 weeks and 5 days after I had a placental abruption. Alexander, being the firework that he is, decided to turn from head down to breech during active labor, which resulted in a very intense emergency c section. His first few days of life went well. They call it the honeymoon period. As expected, he started to struggle a few days in.

            Ultimately, he was doing fantastic for being so premature. We had struggles with weight gain and issues with my milk supply, but nothing we couldn’t handle. That all changed on August 23rd. We got a phone call from the NICU which is never a good sign. Alexander had necrotizing enterocolitis. In a matter of hours, he went for thriving to needing full intubations and experiencing apnea and bradycardia event back to back to back. The memory I have of pacing up and down the hospital hallway in the middle of the night while they intubated him is forever burned in my brain. At that time, based off of the information we had, how Alexander was reacting, and the information on NEC, we didn’t know if we would be bringing out sweet baby boy home with us ever. We didn’t know if we would ever see him breathe without a tube down his throat or if he would ever get to meet his siblings. We watched him fight so hard. We prayed more prayers and cried more tears than ever before.

            Alexander is strong. I see that quality in him still, but it was so prevalent in those days of battling NEC. I type this as he swings back and forth peacefully across the room from me. Our miracle is a fighter. We had other struggles during our stay but this battle, one where I was completely helpless at getting him through that, one where he had to fight himself to overcome, that was what really changed me as a mother. -Jennie