Love, Amy

“Dear NICU Mama, I hope you know how resilient you are. You often overlook your own resilience because what matters most to you is that your baby is here and that they are alive. You adjust without hesitation and do what you have to do. You stand in every bit of strength you have for your baby.

Every time you head down that hallway, excited to be reunited with your baby’s scent and touch, I hope you know that it’s okay to feel many contradicting feelings. You hope for the best, yet prepare for the worst. You feel every heartache of every fellow NICU parent you pass on your way in. As you scrub your hands at the sink, you listen to every cry and try to distinguish your baby from the others. You wonder if they’re awake, if they’re happy and which nurse is at their bedside. It may feel like you are meeting them for the first time all over again. You are eager and relieved to pick them up; and when you do, it’s okay to also feel sad because you know the disappointment that is to come when you inevitably have to hand them back. It’s okay to grieve the “goodbye” the minute you get to say “hello.”

It’s okay to feel like you don’t have the emotional capacity to share your baby’s health status. It’s okay if you’re still processing and in survival mode with your little fighter while the rest of the world feels distant. People may tell you that everything will be okay, that their baby spent ‘x’ amount of time in the NICU and your’s will also be fine. But you may not feel fine, not in the slightest. It’s okay if you’ve never felt so complete yet broken at the same time.

You are resilient for every painful step you take towards your baby, away from them and back again. You may feel physically and mentally unstable, emotional beyond your control, and overwhelmed with endless questions and concerns. But you are STILL your baby’s home. You are their safe place. Don’t question your bond because of the circumstances or the environment, Mama. You are resilient for showing up however you can, whenever you can.”

Love,
Amy

More of Amy + her daughter’s NICU journey:

“We had a week-long NICU stay following a very traumatic 42-hour labor. I carried my daughter to term, so a NICU stay was not on our radar. But due to the prolonged labor and five hours of pushing, the distress caused some breathing issues in her upon arrival. She was hooked up to a CPAP just moments after I held her for the first time. We expected a one night stay to resolve her breathing troubles, but her fluid levels dropped the next day. They monitored her for the day and decided to keep her a second night. On the third day, we went in extremely hopeful to find that she would be discharged with us, but that was not the case. We learned that jaundice was taking over her body very aggressively. Her bilirubin levels spiked to a 17.5, and it was explained to us that it was a near fatal, potentially neurologically damaging number. She was under two bilirubin lights with a bilirubin blanket for the next three days. We got a hotel room down the street because we lived 45 minutes from the hospital, and I couldn’t stand the thought of going home without her and being that far from her. Plus, I had to bring my pumped milk at least every three hours.

I think the hardest part was that once we were discharged, due to COVID regulations, my husband and I were not allowed to visit her together. I’m sure many pandemic NICU parents experienced this. But since she was under lights, we could only take her out and hold her for 30 minutes per day. My husband didn’t get to see her for almost two days because we had to devote that short window to struggling breastfeeding attempts. Thankfully our one-week stay was very short in comparison to some families, and that is not lost on me. We are so grateful for her health.”