Love, Alex

Dear NICU Mama,

When it feels like too much, know that that’s ok. It should feel like too much. There will be moments where you’ll sit and cry and get angry. There will be moments when you are so overwhelmed you may ask yourself, “How do I do this?” But mama, you are so strong. When it feels like too much, know that you’ve got this.

Everyone talks about how hard it is to be a new mom, but no one talks about how hard it is to be new mom in the NICU. How hard it is to navigate motherhood in a small sterile room, changing diapers through portholes, pumping every 2 hours behind a curtain, and fighting for that skin to skin whenever you can get it. Mama, it’s going to feel like too much. How can it not? But you aren’t alone. Lean on us. We have cried the tears you have cried, we have felt the sadness and anger and uncertainty you feel, and we have sat where you sit now.

When it feels like too much, know that you are doing great. You are doing the very best any mom can. You are here, fighting alongside your baby. Remember that and never forget how incredible you both are. Take the time to acknowledge your strength and determination. And sometimes when it feels like too much, it’s okay to just let it. There were many times that I sat in the lactation room to cry so no one could see my tears. I had to be strong for my baby, and I didn’t want anyone to know that how I was feeling and how I was acting were two very different things.

Mama, don’t forget to take care of yourself when it feels like too much. And it will. But it’s going to be okay. We see you mama, and you are a superhero.

Love,

Alex

More of Alex’s NICU journey:

They always expected a NICU stay because their pregnancy was high risk from the beginning. Alex had four different congenital heart defects and had OHS twice. She was cleared as a great candidate to carry but was told there was a chance she wouldn’t carry past 36 weeks because of this. 

 She felt great her entire pregnancy besides the typical nausea and fatigue. Even though she had a hematoma which was being watched, her appointments were going well. Fast forward to week 17 she got a call to come in for an emergency US because her AFP came back 10x higher than it should have been. During the US, the radiologist saw that the baby was about a week behind and was small. She wasn’t overly concerned about it but our OB would be able to tell us more.

 “I can’t guarantee you a baby” was how the conversation with their OB started. Her hematoma had pushed half of her placenta off her uterus causing the baby to fall behind, and the blood flow from the umbilical cord was almost non-existent. They were told the chance of miscarriage and stillbirth was high. Their OB said she would know more in 2 weeks after measuring the baby again but she didn’t want to sugarcoat anything for them. They were asked if they wanted to continue with our pregnancy, and they decided to be all in. They were heartbroken but they had hope. Their OB told them if they were all in she would do everything in her power to get us a baby. She told us the magic number was 28 weeks.

Every 2 weeks they made their way into the city, and every 2 weeks that boy kept up. He was determined from the start! By the time 25 weeks came around, our doctor told them she believed he was just going to be a small baby and that she would deliver him somewhere between 34-37 weeks.

The following week, she got the flu. She didn’t realize she had it for 4 days because she didn’t spike a fever. At 28 weeks and 3 days she woke up with a palpitation that never stopped. She became short of breath and started sweating. They pulled into the ER that Alex worked at at 4am and was brought in right away. After seeing her vitals, they immediately moved her to a trauma room. Her HR was 208, BP 70/60 and o2 88, and meds were barely touching it. She was then taken by ambulance to the city. 

She needed to be cardioverted. (Basically her heart needed to be shocked back into a normal rhythm.) Once she arrived in the OB OR, there with 20 other medical personnel, and she was pulled this way and that way. A catheter was getting put in, my jewelry was being taken off, I was rolled over to get the shot for the baby’s lungs, pads were being placed, she was being stripped. Once her HR dropped to normal, the baby went into distress. His HR kept dropping and dropping and dropping, so Alex was intubated and was taken as fast as possible. His APGAR score was 1. Her husband was a rockstar through all of this. He was always where he needed to be, took care of the baby and me, and she can’t even begin to imagine how traumatic it was for him.

Quinton was born weighing 2lbs 5oz, and was extubated within 6 hours, off of c-pap in 4 weeks, breast and bottle fed like a champ and was discharged at 37.5 weeks. She saw a fight in her son in that NICU. He was always moving like crazy, ripping his NG tube out, ripping his prongs from his nose. He did everything faster than they thought, and he wanted out. She met her hero the day he was born. Not a day went by that she wasn’t blown away by the fight in this tiny human. 

To this day Q is still hitting his actual age milestones. He’s wild and nonstop. Some days she can’t even believe he came into this world 3 months early. He’s changed her life. She always felt like she failed him as a mom because her body was constantly giving out on him. But when she sees things come so easy to him she feels like it’s his way of showing her that everything is fine, that he’s got this. Being a NICU mama is a title she will always wear with pride because it shows she’s the mama of a badass baby boy.