S8 Ep 9 Transcription
S8 E9 | Dear NICU Mama Podcast: C-section roundtable
Ashley & Aisha: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Dear NICU Mama Podcast. This podcast is a safe place to connect with other NICU moms by listening to interviews with trauma informed medical and maternal mental health experts, remarkable stories from the NICU, and intentional roundtable conversations. Our hope is that you feel like you're sitting across the table from another NICU sister and feel seen and validated in your experience.
Ashley & Aisha: No matter where you are on your healing journey, this podcast is here to remind you that you are not alone. Welcome to the Sisterhood.
Ashley: Hello,
Ashley: beautiful mamas. Welcome back after spring break. If you don't follow Aisha on social media, you are missing out because the sweetest photos of Aisha and her family and Ava's, like, great grandma were so beautiful. Aisha, how was your spring
Aisha: It was awesome.
Aisha: it was so sweet to have Ava be with her grandma and her great grandma on this trip and,
Aisha: um, got to see [00:01:00] her grandpa play guitar on stage.
Aisha: And it was a really fun trip.
Aisha: But how are you and how was your week?
Ashley: it's one of those weeks where all of us parents just hanging on for dear life during cold and flu season are just like waiting for signs of spring.Silas, my son had double pink eye and ear infection, croup. And then some sort of lingering cough and we're past the worst of it now, um, knock on wood, but it's been a week, you know. But it's funny because I didn't know that there was a correlation between ear infections and pink eye. Literally never heard of that before. And the doctor was like, Leah, I see that a few times a day. And I was like, what? Never heard of that. So anyways, at least we weren't alone. So we got the antibiotics and the eye drops and you know how it is.
Ashley: Weaving eyedrops to a toddler.
Aisha: oh man. Well, I'm glad you guys are on the other side of it.
Ashley: Me
Ashley: too.
Ashley: but I'm excited to,
Ashley: to be here for this episode. It's so fun to be back.
Aisha: I missed you.
Ashley: it. I know. [00:02:00] Likewise. And we have some beautiful guests with us here
Aisha: We
Ashley: that I'm super excited to chat with. Do you want to introduce them?
Aisha: Yes, we have two amazing women and NICU mamas who are also, lucky for the Dear NICU mama community, part of the, leadership of Dear NICU mama. Um, we have Lindsey who we've heard before. Um, we've heard her story, which if you haven't yet, we'll link her episode on the description. Um, she shared her story, but Lindsey is an amazing writer. And she, um, writes for the editorial team. And I mean, there is never a dry eye in the room when she writes.
Aisha: and we also have our amazing graphic artist, Kristen, and she also, um, just started co hosting a coffee show. for, um, Dear NICU
Aisha: mama, and those are going to be posted on our private [00:03:00] Facebook. So if you ever want to join, um, look out for those on the private Facebook group, but we are so excited to be, um, talking with these two amazing, amazing women who have been, um, just such
Aisha: a joy to be, um, kind of in community with and just learning from them and their stories.
Ashley: Well, like Aisha said, these two gals are so near and dear to our hearts and it's just so fun to do these round tables because we get to hear just different intimate details of our, our motherhood journeys. And recently it was C section awareness. Or is it month actually? Maybe it's the whole
Ashley: month.
Ashley: Okay, I take that back. It's a whole month because c sections are crazy. Um, but the whole month of April is c section awareness month and if you follow us on Instagram, you've maybe seen us post a little bit about it. Um, but we wanted to do a round table to talk about c sections because one, every c section is a little bit different. Um, two, [00:04:00] sometimes you go into it fully anticipating a c section and other times it's a complete and total surprise. And there can sometimes be a level of grief that comes with a c section, especially if it wasn't planned.
Ashley: And so we're going to have some really great discussion today. And I just know that this episode is going to be just really affirmative and healing because, um, Anytime that you can hear a little bit of your story in someone else's, it just affirms that you're not alone. And so, I'm going to give you, Lindsey and Kristen and Aisha, just a little bit of a gratitude ahead of time, because I just know that this episode is going to be so wonderful. And so I did, okay, it's like classic Ashley, but I wanted to put Lindsay on the spot for a hot second because if you've recently seen one of the posts we posted and my Instagram is telling me we posted it seven days ago. She wrote a post with the title, Your Scar Tells the Story of Love, and if you haven't read that, we'll take it in the description. But there's a, there's a line in it that I want to read out loud because I think it's really going to set the tone [00:05:00] for this episode. And it says, Your scar is not a villain to be defeated or shame to be locked away. It is not a scar of failure to be hidden. It is a story written upon your flesh. A story of a life saved and a story of selfless devotion. A story of a battle tested survivor who deserves compassion and is capable of healing. Your scar tells the story of love and is a testament to the power of the woman who bears it. Your scar is your love made physical.
Aisha: wow. Mm
Ashley: And if, I don't know
Ashley: if that, like, if anything could set the tone for this episode better than that.
Ashley: But that is how we want to start this off is to really just affirm that your C section scar is your love made physical. And so I also want to preface, it's important to note that no matter where you are, you on your healing journey of accepting your C section scar. I know for me when I, and we'll get into this, but I could [00:06:00] barely, it terrified me to like rub a finger on it because I just was, it was so tender, not only because it physically hurt but because of just what it represented at the time. And so know too that this episode is for you even if you're not to the point where you fully accepted it. and maybe fully embraced it. This episode is for you, no matter what part of your healing journey you're on. It's going to be a very gentle conversation, but know that you can pause, you can fast forward, and you can even fully stop listening if it's too much.
Ashley: So listen to your heart, listen to your body and listen to how it's feeling throughout the episode, but we're going to keep it really gentle. So, Aisha, do you want to kick us off with our first set of questions?
Aisha: of course. Um, I was wondering if, um, Lindsay and Kristen, you guys could briefly share a little bit of your pregnancy and if you were considered a high risk pregnancy, um, and if C sections were a conversation that you [00:07:00] had at any point throughout your pregnancy,
Lindsay: yeah, I'm happy to talk about it.
Lindsay: I'm Lindsay. Um, and, uh, my pregnancy was absolutely not high risk. Not C section was not on the radar. Um, in fact, my husband and I. took the Bradley Method natural childbirth classes.
Lindsay: I was going to be a mermaid goddess of just pure water birth, um, all the way, monks humming butterflies. It was going to be magic. Um, and so we were not, that was not on our Not on our radar, um, at all. It actually, in our, in our Pradley method class, um, they had us again, just crunchy granola. They had us write out what our fears were.
Lindsay: Um, and mine was like, I don't want to have a C section. I don't want to miss out on this experience. And so the universe is, um, the [00:08:00] universe is, uh, creative and it's, um, interpretations of things.
Ashley: goodness. I forget that about you, Lindsay, but your hair would absolutely fit the mermaid bath birth. I'm like, I can picture this for you.
Lindsay: Oh, when I was pregnant it was curly and it was just full and I
Kristen: Oh,
Lindsay: living, I was living my best life. It was
Aisha: And how about you, Kristen?
Kristen: Yeah, so I'm Kristen, and I thought I was having a relatively normal pregnancy up until around 20 weeks. I think up until that point, you know, people really were just kind of like, you're so small, like you're not really showing, like, and I just. Didn't think anything of it because I didn't have anything to compare it to.
Kristen: In around 20 weeks I had my, you know, scanned with the MFMs and that's when things kind of, the red flags, started to go up for us. And [00:09:00] that's when the weekly appointments, the regular ultrasounds, and that kind of stuff started. But I will say, like, our care team, I never was worried. They never used the terms high risk.
Kristen: They just constantly said they wanted to keep an eye on baby. And in my mind, I was like, you know what? Like they're the medical professionals. They want to keep an eye on baby. I get to see her more. Cool. They don't seem alarmed. I don't seem alarmed. And that's kind of how I took the pregnancy, um, for the next five weeks after that was, you know, I'll, I'll go as much as they want, but if they don't seem alarmed, I'm not alarmed.
Aisha: Right. Absolutely. Well, and you, Asha, I would love to hear too, um, your experience. And if you were considered, if C section was on the table, considering your first delivery Yes. Yeah. So with, my first pregnancy, um, there was no, I was not high risk and there was no, um, talk [00:10:00] about, I mean, my plan was also to. Deliver naturally and I was excited for it. It was the one thing that I was like, I'm not even scared about labor. I'm going to kill it. It's going to be like my time to shine. Um, and until I went into labor at 24 weeks and, um, Enzo was
Aisha: breached. So they had to do a cesarean, an emergency C section. And because he was so small, they had to do a classical T. Um, and so as they're prepping me in the ER, the doctor is telling me, we have to do this. Procedure and because of it, any subsequent pregnancies, you will
Aisha: have to deliver via C section as well. So it was kind of like, are you giving us the green light to continue with this procedure? Because this is what that means. And
Aisha: of course you, at that moment is whatever you need to do, do it. And.
Ashley: Yeah.
Kristen: So [00:11:00] yes, once I was pregnant with Ava, I, I knew from the very beginning that I was gonna, um, require a C section, um, at time of delivery. And we were in the same, in the same boat. We didn't talk c-sections at all until, you know, it came to the point of even being faced with delivery. But I remember. Our nurse drawing, you know, a diagram on the board and just explaining to me as I'm there on MAG dealing with all of these emotions and she's explaining to me just like the impact of this c section and being like, you know, this is going to affect you not just for this but like for the rest of your life and for every child subsequent from here and that was just a whole other layer to process was just this now isn't just a one time thing this is something that's going to stay with me.
Kristen: And my husband for the rest of my life.
Aisha: Yep.
Lindsay: did you both have classical c sections? I did too. We're just [00:12:00] a team of classical c
Ashley: I see I didn't, I didn't have a classical.
Ashley: So my face the whole time has been like, because the recovery
Ashley: from what Martha has told me about recovery, it's like, unbelievable.
Aisha: I would love to, I know we've talked about this, but I would love to talk to an OB about it because I don't even know how that happened. Like, I don't even, cause I don't have a scar up my belly or my
Aisha: abdomen. It's just the line too, but I'm like, how does that, how do
Aisha: you do the
Aisha: other cut?
Lindsay: Wait, so you guys don't have a line up? see I have one all the way up to my belly
Aisha: Oh!
Aisha: my goodness. No,
Aisha: I only have the one.
Ashley: We gotta have a c section show and tell and
Ashley: compare our scars and be like, okay, what do you have?
Aisha: mean,
Aisha: it just goes to show how different
Ashley: every,
Aisha: single one of them
Aisha: is.
Ashley: Well and for mine it was like, I [00:13:00] remember minutes before he was delivered I was like this close to having a vaginal delivery and then all of a sudden everything changed, but it was like from Right before, I was like, I didn't even know you could, I don't know, the concept of like birthing him vaginally that little was also terrifying because I was just like, they tell you about how paper like their skin is and I'm just like, oh my gosh, you know, like what's happening?
Ashley: And so it's just, yeah, like you guys said, you have literally moments to sign yes on a paper and be like, Or nod your head if you, you know, it's like, okay, yeah, sure. That sounds great. Whatever for baby, but it's just a whirlwind in that moment when you're finally getting the procedure.
Aisha: yeah. Mmhmm. Mmhmm. Mmhmm.
Ashley: I'd love to know from each of you what you guys knew about C sections prior to your baby's delivery because I'll be transparent. I knew about like Grey's Anatomy's C section. I honestly didn't [00:14:00] have close friends that had had one. Everybody had the traditional birth with the golden hour so C sections were absolutely not on my radar.
Ashley: So I'd love to know from you guys what you knew about C sections prior to your child's delivery.
Kristen: so for me, prior to having Isla, you know, I feel like I had like a pretty decent understanding of C sections just because I'm the youngest on one side of my family, so a lot of my cousins have had kids, we've had a lot of different kinds of labors and births, my sister is a medical professional, um, you know, so I'm also an avid Grey's Anatomy fan, so, um, you know, I feel like I, I have, you know, pretty decent exposure to c sections and, and I think the, the thing for me.
Kristen: that helped me the most was knowing, even before my own experience, was that there are different kinds of c sections and that c sections come from different things. I think that really helped me through [00:15:00] my process was, um, just kind of knowing from the beginning that, like, this is something that, like, mothers go through.
Kristen: This is something, this isn't just, I'm not on an island here, and if I am I've got a tribe with me.
Lindsay: That's great.
Ashley: That's
Lindsay: Yeah,
Lindsay: Yeah, I think for me it was, um, my mother with my youngest sister had a C section. Um, but that was about all the experience that I had had with it. So, um, It was definitely something I wish looking back now that I would have looked into more, um, and learned more about just because I think in my mind I'm somebody who likes to have a plan and expects that plan to go.
Lindsay: And so in my head it's like, I've got my birth plan. It's six pages long. I have, we're good. As long as A, B, and C happen, I don't need to worry about anything else because all these contingencies are, you know. are mapped. Um, and so I think that [00:16:00] was anytime that I talk to somebody who is pregnant, I always say like, hey, it doesn't hurt to ask the questions.
Lindsay: It doesn't hurt to talk to your OB in one of these appointments before you're even close to delivery and say, you know, If something happens or if what does a c section look like at this hospital, like just to get an idea, you're not jinxing anything. It's just, it's nice when you're not in the moment, um, to not have to be
Aisha: Mmhmm.
Lindsay: trying to process all of it at once.
Ashley: right.
Kristen: Yeah.
Aisha: Well, and for me, I grew up, um,
Aisha: in the Dominican Republic where c sections were more common
Aisha: I knew a lot of, women who had delivered, that way, but I also kind of grew up with it being kind of like a taboo where you don't want, like, that's where,
Aisha: in my story, the shame of it comes in is where, because I had
Aisha: grown up with that perception of [00:17:00] like, oh no, you don't wanna have a c-section.
Aisha: Like, that's the easy way out, quote, unquote, or
Kristen: this project.
Aisha: all those things that are unfortunate. And you do here. Um, so I think for me,
Aisha: that was a big part of like having to kind of reframe the narrative of what a cesarean is because of how, um, I had consumed it like just in
Kristen:
Aisha: media or culture and et cetera.
Ashley: Mm hmm,
Kristen:
Ashley: right. I think when I, what I knew about C sections before really infused this narrative in my mind that A delivery, a vaginal delivery was
Ashley: something that you did and a c section was something that you had done to you. And so I never associated a c section with giving birth. I assumed that like someone else basically took over your body, right?
Ashley: And so like, I just always [00:18:00] assumed like, well, I want to have A vaginal birth because then I'm the one giving birth. As if, Asis, your body is still the one doing the work right, but like, it always just, for me I had to really reframe. What giving birth meant in my mind in that and really like affirm myself that C section births are still you giving birth. It's not just like, you know, but it took me a while to get there, but that's just kind of what I, I had those in like two very different camps.
Ashley: Either you gave birth vaginally or you had birth done to you by a medical professional. And I never really saw C sections as giving birth until a lot longer into my healing journey. but when it was time for your babies to be delivered, I know we kind of touched on it just like a tiny bit in the beginning, but was there a conversation, you know, beforehand that, okay, like c sections are on the table and I [00:19:00] know you guys talked about like kind of making that like game moment decision of, okay, it's happening, but you know, when did you guys know that, okay, c section is my birth plan. There is no other option.
Lindsay: I think for me, it was when we, um, it was day two of me being admitted and on magnesium, um, for help where they kind of said,
Lindsay: We're, we're not going to be able to, it was, it was interesting because it was kind of like a one two punch of like, we're not going to be able to do a vaginal delivery. It's off the table completely.
Lindsay: It's not going to happen. And then that was also when they had the classical C section conversation where they were like you, because of how Sloan was sitting and because I ended up discovering that I had fibroids too.
Ashley: Mm.
Lindsay: they said, because you have this fibroid here, we can't do the normal, um, kind of C section.
Lindsay: And [00:20:00] so it's weird. Cause it's one of those conversations. I think I was so kind of like overwhelmed and then also on so much medication that it's just like a conversation that hearing you, Ashley, say that a C section is something that's done to you. It did kind of feel that way where it was like, I'm being talked to about this plan.
Lindsay: I'm not in a position to be able to like give feedback on the plan and I don't know it was a very odd experience because my husband was also in the room and the doctors kept kind of talking to him and then looking at me and like talking to him and then looking at me. It was almost like they perceived that I was not
Ashley: Sure.
Lindsay: place to have the conversation and so that was another piece that like I remember sitting there and being like.
Lindsay: They're, they're talking over me right now, but like, I'm not part of the conversation, um, which I think ended up being a very strange and something that I had to deal with after the fact of just not [00:21:00] having that control and especially it being so opposite of what I was mentally preparing for, for, you know, six months.
Lindsay: Then it's like, Oh, all these people are making choices for me now. And like, I can't even. Participate in the conversation.
Ashley: That's so painful. I'm so sorry.
Ashley:
Kristen: Um, so when it was our delivery day, what ended up happening with us is I, I, I, I didn't It's, it's very hazy, so I actually went back, I asked my mom, and I asked my husband, who were both there, I asked them what happened. So, basically, the, when, when everything was going on, they actually started me on Pitocin.
Kristen: The OB team at the hospital was fully planning for me to do a vaginal delivery. I think things were just very touch and go, and they were like, we Need to do what's best for mom. And then the beautiful, [00:22:00] radiant NICU doctor came walking in, the neonatologist, and she said, turn that stuff off. We're doing a C section.
Kristen: We handle babies like this all the time.
Kristen: And it turns out my mom walked out into the hallway and she said something. She was like, they started the Pitocin. And the neonatologist came like, what? Running in and basically just made the decision for us because it was like mom and baby can both get through this.
Kristen: And that's when our nurse Liz was like, this is the right decision, blah blah blah. And our my family made they agreed, my husband agreed, and they actually made the decisions for me at that time because I was not In a place to make the decisions. And again, what you just said really resonated with me that like, it's a very unusual feeling to be aware of the conversation going on about your health, but not feel like you can take an active participation in it and to not feel like you can take that active role in your birth, in your [00:23:00] birth story.
Kristen: Um, it's definitely played a huge part in my journey and processing and trying to heal. Um, the fact that a lot of these decisions were made For me and will be made for me forever now.
Aisha: there's nothing you can do and you don't even know what you could do. So there is like, you, you do have to kind of trust that their medical providers are making the best choices because. You don't know.
Aisha: Um, you know, and so it's, yeah, it's this tension of, of, I can't, I literally can't do anything about it differently. And, um, just kind of surrendering to like, this is what is going to happen. And for me [00:24:00] with, um, with Enzo, it was very much that too, just like, Oh, um, we had, my water had broke five days before and we were just kind of waiting to see if we can keep them in as long as we could.
Aisha: And then, um, on day five, they, um,
Aisha: I actually. Was like, Oh, I have to poop. And they were like, okay, it's time to get ready for the OR. and I was like, Oh, what? And they gave Andy like his scrubs and then they rolled me into the OR and, um. And
Aisha: like as you're rolling, like you're not either, they're prepping you for surgery and telling you all this information and they're giving you like the clipboards with papers to sign. And I
Aisha: can't even like, my hands were useless. So I'm just like scribbling.
Aisha: Um, so it's definitely one of those, yeah.
Kristen:
Aisha: Moments [00:25:00] where you just feel completely, like Lindsey said, out of control. And, um, yeah, you just
Aisha: there's no way to even process that in the moment. So you're just kind of,
Kristen: scholarship announcement
Aisha: I was completely, um,
Kristen: 2019
Aisha: um, the hospital because of, Like, uh, symptoms of labor.
Aisha: Um, it was like minutes between me arriving and them rolling me
Aisha: into the OR. And I didn't even realize that I was going to be sedated. So as I'm like rolling in I'm like, well, I've been here before. I know what's going to happen. And then the anesthesiologist is like, okay, I'm going to count backwards to 10.
Aisha: And I'm like, wait, what? Like, I'm not even gonna, I didn't even say goodbye to Andy. So that's like a whole other part of it is like. Your partners in that moment is you don't have enough time to [00:26:00] even have a moment with each other. And so I'm about to go under, I don't know if I'm going to wake up. I don't know what's going to happen.
Aisha: I, I will literally have no memory of this event. Um, and so even that has been something to like, I've had to heal and really processes just how do you reconcile? Like not remembering your daughter being born.
Ashley: Yep.
Kristen: yeah,
Kristen: yeah,
Ashley: Were all of us under.
Lindsay: I wasn't.
Lindsay: Yeah.
Aisha: I didn't realize that, Ash. For
Ashley: Mm-Hmm. . Yeah. So our stories are similar in that or Asia, where, you know, they had talked about. Vaginal delivery and then his SATs, my, I had a placental abruption. I didn't know that until after, but that's when like everything kind of changed within an [00:27:00] instant. And by the grace of God, Ryan had like, just got, cause I was flown to a different hospital, so he had to drive. About four hours to the hospital and so he like arrived he's in his winter coat because it was January and he arrived I remember him kissing me on the forehead and I was on mag and it felt like so nice because your body's so hot It's like ice
Ashley: cubes
Ashley: It was kind of nice. Um, but then went to the bathroom all of a sudden that bright blue emergency c section button is pressed and all of a sudden there's a team of 15 people wheeling me away and I remember like looking back towards Ryan and his hands are like on the top of his head and his face is white and he's and I'm just like again you can't say goodbye you're just like You know, like I all of a sudden have no control over my body or what's happening.
Ashley: And like you said, I don't know if I'm going to live. Like, I don't know how serious this is, but I love you. Like you're giving I [00:28:00] love you's with
Ashley: your eyes. You're
Ashley: like, I need you to see me talking to you through my eyes because I can't make words right now. Um, and I remember the. The OB like telling me in my ear like we're going to take good care of you, Ashley.
Ashley: We're going to take good care of you, Ashley. And all I could say was, what about my son's heart? What about my son's heart? What about my son's heart? Like all I cared about in that moment was just like his heart, his heart, his heart. And she's like, we know about the heart, Ash. We know about the heart. And I think I even asked, have you done this before? You know, you're just like so out of it. She's like, I've done this many
Ashley: times. Okay, but you're like going down like you feel like you're in a Grey's Anatomy episode. You're running down the hallway. You're on a gurney like, okay, and I remember same thing getting into the room. It's bright and then you're counting down and you're out and you wake up and you just realized you missed everything. You don't remember that you never heard the first cry. You didn't see their first breath. [00:29:00] You didn't, you were completely out of it and. I remember when I recapped with the OB afterwards, she's like, he had a beautiful cry when he was born. And I was like, I wish you could have like recorded it or
Aisha: hmm.
Ashley: you know, like I'd to give anything to hear that like first moment or just like have a glimpse of that. Um, but there is like such a significant layer of grief when it's just like, I was there, but I wasn't like, I was. You know, I almost wish there was a way that our bodies could, like, take a video for us and be like, hey, while you were out, this is what happened, you know, just because I still have to ask Ryan sometimes, like, what it, what happened, you know, for that, like, while I was out and he'll, like, give me some fill in the details.
Ashley: But when it's that, like, emergent under surgery type, like, you're just out, it's just. And I remember too, Ryan said that, cause he was like white and the nurse came over and she said, he'll be out in like literally five minutes. And he was like, what? And they were like, they do this so fast. Like he'll literally, you'll [00:30:00] have a son like. In the incubator in like five minutes. And he was like, are you serious? And she's like, yeah, like it's really quick. It's really quick. So it's just, it's so wild. And so I wonder too, would Kirsten and Lindsay be willing to share a little bit about the experience of like, was your C section still emergent in the moment? even though you were like awake for that procedure? Like what was it like to have it be emergent but you were like fully present for it?
Kristen: So it was definitely still emergent for us. I had preeclampsia and help and
Kristen: I just remember the nurse saying, Oh no, she has HELP syndrome and I just remember thinking, That's something I really sound like I don't want
Kristen: to have. I remember vividly thinking like, I don't think I want to have that.
Kristen: Um, so that's when I knew things were getting really real. And I would say honestly probably within just minutes of hearing that, they were wheeling me down the hall, chasing cars, playing overhead. [00:31:00] I'm like in my Grey's Anatomy montage and, and, It was a very tense feeling rolling into the OR. Um, it was right at the end of shift, of the shift.
Kristen: So like, I was being wheeled in. They switched shifts at seven at this hospital. It was probably quarter to seven. Um, and the OR team that had just finished in there was trying to shut down the OR. So I'm getting wheeled into an OR that they're trying to shut down. They had shut down the computers already.
Kristen: So people started yelling at each other as I'm laying there exposed. My husband's not with me, they had him wait outside. So it was like a very tense few moments and finally they wheeled me in to OR2 and it was like very surreal, um, being awake. Because they tried their best to still give you that normal birthing experience.
Kristen: They still tried to pull the curtain down for us and do all of these things and they wheeled the [00:32:00] incubator over and I just, I remember the only thing I could muster was saying like, She's so beautiful. And then I literally just passed out. Like the adrenaline, the, the epidural, like I don't know, something caught up with me, but like I got sick a few times and I just remember like passing out and my nurse saying, okay, honey, we're going to switch now.
Kristen: I'll see you tomorrow. and I woke up back in my room with my mom.
Ashley: Well,
Kristen: fast and, like, very scary experience. Like, I just, it was honestly insane. And it, we keep bringing up Grey's Anatomy, but it's because it's the only medical show that, like, really compares to, like, what it actually is.
Kristen: Really does feel like when you're laying there and you're looking at these lights and you're fully exposed to strangers and there's things moving and you hear the tools. It's really just, um, an experience like no other.
Ashley: I want to really quick just note on something of [00:33:00] just how remarkable mothers are, like yourself, that like your body knew as soon as you saw your daughter, like, okay, I'm done, you know, like, but your body fought until the very last second. Like, I hope you're incredibly proud of that. And I think like the fact that your body could like, Okay, I did my part. Now, like, you know, you had to give them the hands to do that. Like, that was really, really difficult. Um, but you saw her and then your body was like, I did it. You know, like, I fought really hard in that moment. And now I'm done. You know, like,
Kristen: It was like the feeling of knowing she was safe
Ashley: Yes, the will of
Kristen: it was just like that feeling of being like she's with people who can take better
Kristen: care of her than I can
Aisha: mmhm, mmh.
Ashley: hmm.
Kristen: and just like fully surrendering to like the fact that like this is our story and like this is the path that we're on and like these are the people who are gonna help us get there and like I need to trust them.
Ashley: Mm hmm.[00:34:00]
Kristen: And, and and I think that was that moment where my brain was like Kristen you did it.
Kristen: Now
Aisha: Mm, Mm
Ashley: Mm
Kristen: Now
Aisha: mhm,
Aisha: mmhm Oh
Ashley: moment you wake up
Kristen: Cause the second you wake up, they're strappin that bad boy on.
Lindsay: my
Lindsay: gosh.
Ashley: Yeah.
Lindsay: That's, I don't know, it's interesting to hear your all's, um, kind of more emergent thing,
Lindsay: because we were in this constant holding pattern of not knowing when it was going to happen. Um, my doctor was, I was at 29 weeks, and so my doctor was determined to get to 30 is kind of what she kept saying. She's like, we're going to get to 30 weeks, it's going to happen, and then we're going to get to 32, and then we're going to get to 34. And like, that was kind of her mantra. And so, um, it was odd because we would have these moments of like, extreme, like, adrenaline where they'd come rushing in and it was like five people, two people [00:35:00] I'd never seen before, and it was like, okay, it's go time, it's happening, and then they'd look at my monitors and be like, and walk out. Um,
Lindsay: and then it would happen at like two o'clock in the morning, it would happen at four in the morning, it didn't seem to matter, and so we were constantly in this kind of like, up and wait, um, kind of thing. And so it was, it got to the point where when it was actually time, when they said, okay, we're wheeling you down, we're going to make it happen. That, um, I was joking with the anesthesiologist because half of me was like, this isn't going to happen. Like they're going to come in and be like, Oh, April fools, nevermind. You're going back up. And so it wasn't until I was
Lindsay: actually on the table, like lying back and like, I couldn't feel my feet anymore.
Lindsay: And it was kind of that weird, like, surreal moment where my husband was right by my face and like I, he had the whole get up on that I was like, oh my god, this is actually happening. Like we need to hit the brakes here. Like I need like some processing time because even though we've had all this [00:36:00] time waiting, I have not, I didn't actually believe that it was going to happen. Um, and so I think that's, that was kind of the most surreal piece of it was like, It was almost like I was watching it happen to myself and not fully taking it all in as it was happening. Um, it was,
Lindsay: I don't know, it was very interesting. And one thing that just always makes me laugh about it too, um, is that The, the things that you remember from it are so not what you would expect.
Lindsay: So like, I remember seeing Sloan for the first time and giving her a kiss. And I remember my husband like going with the NICU team. Um, but the only part of the actual surgery that I remember is the doctors, um, who were like stitching me up and doing all the final things were, it was the weekend, um, of Mother's [00:37:00] Day. And they were talking about their Mother's Day plans. And they were talking about crock pot recipes that they could take to a
Ashley: my,
Lindsay: And so I was lying there and I'm like, having this emotional moment and my doctors are standing over me being like, well, you know, bolognese. I mean, that's, that's the way to go.
Lindsay: And like, I just was like,
Lindsay: what is, where am I? What is happening? And like the nurse, I think, must've noticed my face or something because I was like, you're going to the lake? How nice. Um, And she like leaned in she's like don't worry like it means everything looks really good because they wouldn't be talking like this if there was something wrong and I was like oh okay like I that's a good feeling but now it's so funny because every time someone mentions crockpots I just kind of giggle and go like I know a great spaghetti bolognese that you can make in a crock pot, um, for Mother's Day, if you'd like.
Kristen: They talk about the funniest things, they were talking about my tattoos. I'm, I'm spread out, I'm on the table, and [00:38:00] they're just like, Your tattoos are so cute, did you get them done locally?
Ashley: oh my god,
Lindsay: it's like I just had a,
Lindsay: I just had a profound life changing experience,
Kristen: Yep, yep. Totally fine. But like, let me tell you about this, this tattoo on my hip and significant meaning like, uh, it, it is just unbelievable. It is just, yeah, I had the same, the same funny experience just being like, is that really what we're gonna talk
Kristen: about in here? Like, And it is funny the things you do and don't remember, like, being in there, like, I remember. Kind of more about the before and after than like even the actual like during the surgery because I think like you know they're pumping you full of beds and like I think like the actual surgery happening I had never broken a bone, I had never had stitches, so like the concept that they were performing surgery I think my body just blocked it out but like I have pretty vivid memories of like the before and the after until I like, Pass out and you know, just [00:39:00] kind of succumbed to the adrenaline But but rolling in I mean I remember them pulling the lights and I remember yelling at the team because they were like What's this baby's name?
Kristen: It's baby Sardini and I was like her name is Ayla. It's A I L A And in big sharpie letters on the little thing they put on her isolette from the day she was born in big sharpie letters They wrote her name
Kristen: So it's just really
Aisha: Mm hmm.
Kristen: your brain does and doesn't let you remember. Um, and I, I like to think it's like my happy memory.
Kristen: Like, that's my funny
Kristen: birth memory of my C section, you know?
Aisha: Right. Oh,
Ashley: That's so beautiful.
Aisha: is, but it's just so, just so incredible. Like what we are able to like endure in those moments too, and just find the comedic relief and be able to like, look back and say, I, we went through that. And that was real. Um, even though 50 percent of it is [00:40:00] blocked from our memories, but like we, we did that.
Aisha: And that's why going back to like your point, um, Ashley, in the beginning of the perception of what a cesarean is and what it actually is, um, after you've been through it, like how it is something that you are actually are participating in, because you are giving your body for this delivery and sacrificing it.
Aisha: And it's, you could not be more involved in it because it is literally your body is being this vessel of like bringing life into the world. And so regardless of how that happens, I think that that's where I've gotten to the point of like saying like, I hope we all can be proud of that. We, we were vessels of life and we brought life into this world.
Aisha: And sometimes you need a little more help to do that, but
Kristen: role that
Aisha: there's [00:41:00] no denying how much you are participating in it because you are like, um, it is something that.
Kristen: customer service organization
Kristen: will be a role
Aisha: doing like, you are doing it too.
Aisha: Hello, mamas. We hope you have felt seen and validated in this episode. So far, we had such a great time talking with Kristin and Lindsay about C-sections and our experiences. What was going through our minds and everything before in between and after so much so that we decided that this had to be a two part episode, because it was just so good. And there was so much valuable information that we wanted to give it the amount of time that it deserved.
Aisha: And we didn't want to cut anything out. And we wanted to honor. Each story being told. So this will be the end of part one and next week we will be back with part two. So stay tuned and we hope that you are giving yourself the time to process and take in everything that we've discussed so far. We hope that your heart is being hugged and [00:42:00] tended to as you process your own C-section we love you.
Aisha: And we can't wait to be back. See you next time.
Ashley & Aisha: Thank you so much for listening to the Dear NICU Mama podcast. If you loved this episode, we'd be so grateful for a review. For more ways to connect with the Dear NICU Mama Sisterhood, check out the links in the episode description.
