S8 Ep6 Transcription
Season 8 Episode 6 "Carolissa | Elizabeth’s NICU Journey Part 2”
•• Please note that this is a computer generated transcript and there are potential errors. For this recording, there was an error with the recording software so unfortunately the voices are not labeled in the transcription.
Ashley & Aisha: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Dear NICU Mama Podcast. This podcast is a safe place to connect with other NICU moms by listening to interviews with trauma informed medical and maternal mental health experts, remarkable stories from the NICU, and intentional roundtable conversations. Our hope is that you feel like you're sitting across the table from another NICU sister and feel seen and validated in your experience.
Ashley & Aisha: No matter where you are on your healing journey, this podcast is here to remind you that you are not alone. Welcome to the Sisterhood.
Ashley: Hello. Happy Wednesday. Welcome to the very anticipated part two of Carolissa's story. Aisha, how are you doing?
Aisha: So excited to hear the rest of the story. I feel like we left everyone on a cliffhanger last week, so I'm very excited to
Aisha: continue hearing this amazing journey and to hear more from Carolissa and her experience.[00:01:00]
Ashley: Me too. Um, if you haven't listened to part one, we will make sure to take that in the show notes. Um, we highly recommend listening to this episode. Um, it blew us all away throughout it. I wish you could see Aisha and I's faces the whole time. We were like, Like our jaws were on the floor. There was so much love for Nurse Natalie and the OB.
Ashley: We
Ashley: became their biggest fans.
Aisha: it
Ashley: But no, it was such a beautiful episode and we can't wait for part two.
Aisha: Yes.
Ashley: I love it. And Carolissa, welcome back. I'm
Carolissa: Thank you for having me again. I'm super excited.
Ashley: So happy. Thanks for being willing to just plow on through to get these two parts put out there. It's really, it's honestly impossible to condense a NICU and birth story into 45 minutes. So it's very warranted that we have two parts. I love it.
Carolissa: A lot. Yeah.
Ashley: that happens.
Ashley: Okay. Well.
Aisha: No. Go ahead.
Ashley: Sorry, there's a little delay for me. Is it on my, is it my wifi maybe?
Aisha: I'm not hearing any.
Ashley: Okay. I get a delay, like you get, I'm like ahead of you guys.
Ashley: So I wonder if my wifi is behind. I'm so sorry. So if I interrupt, just be like, stop interrupting me and I'll stop talking. So you can take it away, Aisha.
Aisha: So, last week, um, we left off after, um, you had spent your first night after, um, Giving birth to Elizabeth and coming back the [00:02:00] day after and things kind of taking a turn with her overall, um, just how she was. Um, and you talked about a, a nurse who was kind of reminding you that the NICU was a rollercoaster.
Aisha: And that you kind of just have to take it a day at a time and that Elizabeth is doing all that she can and is fighting, but her body is catching up to everything that she just went through. Um, and so I was wondering if you could take it kind of from there. Um, that was kind of your first major setback, I would say, right?
Aisha: Um, you, you, you're kind of thrown into this world of the NICU and it was your first NICU stay and, and you, you kind of expressed how heartbreaking it was to. To go down the next day and see her just so different from how you had just left her hours before. Um, so what was going through your mind in that time?
Aisha: How did you process that and how did you kind of move forward? And, um, like what, what was, yeah, what was on your mind, um, that in that time? Yeah.
Carolissa: definitely devastated. Like I said on the, on, when we ended last week, I, all of, it's like all of my positive thinking that I had until this [00:03:00] point was like gone, right? Um, and it was hard because it's like, okay, I, we made it this far and we have just gone through, in the last 24 hours, the craziest, events Um, and it's like, what do we do now?
Carolissa: Right? I can't, I can't help you. How do we, how do we make sure that she's like, okay? Um, and there was nothing we could do. It was like, it was just kind of like, well, you know, you need to give her time. And that nurse was like, Trying to impose all of this positive wisdom on me and I was like, yeah, yeah, I hear you.
Carolissa: Um, but I wasn't really like hearing her like listening. Um, because I was angry. I was angry at the fact that this is where we landed, right? Because now like so much time has passed and it's like the rush of everything that we just went through. We haven't processed, but we were, [00:04:00] we were like switched on to focus on Elizabeth and like, how can we make this better?
Carolissa: Like, how can we get her home? And it was just like, this is not the way this is supposed to go. Right. And so, and I remember the doctor coming in and he's like, we're going to keep testing her. We're going to keep, um, helping her the best we can. And the other thing was that she, she couldn't stay awake. so they would have to give her, like, they had her in a high dosage of caffeine to just stimulate her brain to stay awake.
Carolissa: And he's like, she's really struggling. And he's like, we're, we're gonna keep the caffeine dosages until she can at least do it on her own. And she was like that for like a week. And it was just like no progress, right? And I'm like, okay, well, what is, what is the, what does the next week look like, right?
Carolissa: Like, what are like the triggers or like any of the things that we're supposed to look for? For, to know that we're heading in the right direction or that she's getting better or any of these things. And he's like, they didn't know it was, he's like, we don't know. Everybody's different. Every baby's different.
Carolissa: And I'm just like, okay. I'm very frustrated. Um, and I remember telling my husband, I'm like, how did we get here? Like, how, how did we get here? And he's like, you know, I don't know. And I'm just like, okay, well I don't know how to help her. Right? And he's like, I mean, I don't think there's anything we [00:05:00] can do, but to be here.
Carolissa: And I'm like, okay, well, I'm here, but I still can't do anything. Um, and so I remember we had a nurse named Alexis, our first NICU nurse. So I didn't know about primary nurses. Um, I learned later that she was the primary nurse to the baby next in the room next door. So we always ended up having her because we got, we got the, her assignments right together.
Carolissa: So I was like, Oh, how cool. And Alexis was an angel. I mean, hello, NICU nurses are angels.
Ashley: yeah,
Ashley: yeah, yeah.
Aisha: my
Carolissa: amazing. And she was just like, I, I was like, I don't know what to do. I don't know how to help her. And she's like, well, you know, we can focus on the good things. And I'm like, okay, well, what is that? Right.
Carolissa: And she was like, okay, we can focus on the fact that she, so we try to bottle feeding. And she actually did really well. It was in the incubator. So I was like, my, I have a picture of my hands, like in the incubator trying to like, and one side of my hand and one side of my hand on the other side, trying to feed her.
Carolissa: And she was actually doing really well at taking the bottle. And she's like, that is amazing, right? She's 31 weeks. She's just born and she's taking the bottle. She's like, Never seen that right? [00:06:00] And I'm like, okay, so it's like this is good and she's like, yeah, this is amazing. And I'm like, okay she's like you can change the diapers and I'm like, okay So she so we started doing that and she's like really like celebrate the little thing and I'm like, okay so it was crazy because now like She was only drinking like milliliters, which is nothing, right?
Carolissa: And my husband and I would be like woo, right? Like she did it
Ashley: Yeah. Yeah.
Carolissa: Yeah, and it wasn't until much later that I was like that wasn't even an ounce it was like this much
Aisha: It's a little
Ashley: But still such a big deal.
Aisha: Totally.
Carolissa: Yeah, like she made us like She made things such a big deal that we were just like not even focused on the fact that it was like Not even this much of milk or anything like that Like I would pour an ounce now and I'm like, this is what we were celebrating
Ashley: right. [00:07:00]
Carolissa: But yeah, she she was amazing and she did get better. She did the Jaundice did get better She, um, was off all the lights. She was off of her sunglasses, looking super cool.
Aisha: time is over.
Carolissa: yes. Um, it was, ironically, his, we had, my husband's cousin also had a NICU baby throughout that time. And we were in the NICU at the same time.
Carolissa: Ah!
Ashley: Oh. Oh, sorry.
Aisha: You
Aisha: good?
Carolissa: you hear me?
Ashley: Yeah, you're good.
Carolissa: Yeah, okay, sorry.
Ashley: That's okay.
Carolissa: Um, so yeah, my husband's, uh, cousin had a 34 weeker. Um, and they were in the NICU two weeks before we were. Um, so we were only in the same floor for like a week and then they got discharged. Um, but when we were going through jaundice this week, she, um, they came over to visit us and we were like, Oh!
Carolissa: She's sunbathing and I was like looking at him like she's crazy. And I'm like, yeah, he's like, oh yeah. So their baby's name is Emi Emi was sunbathing too. He's like, he's like, oh, these cousins, they're just out here already being pre Madonna's and I was like, oh my gosh, [00:08:00] like it was so helpful to have that like cheery outtake on it.
Carolissa: Um, and I was just like, you know what, it's going to be okay. Right. We're going to be okay. This is just another bump on
Carolissa: the road.
Aisha: mm-Hmm
Carolissa: And we're going to make it,
Ashley: Yeah.
Carolissa: I didn't know how long that was going to be.
Ashley: Mm-Hmm?
Carolissa: Um, but we were just like, let's just focus on a week at a time. Right. That's all we can do and we can accomplish that much.
Carolissa: Um, so we were super sad when they, and happy for them, of course,
Ashley: Yeah.
Carolissa: discharged,
Ashley: right?
Aisha: mm-Hmm
Carolissa: cause they were ready to go home. Um, But then it was just us and so we went back to kind of like our routine because we still had Sophia at home
Ashley: Yeah.
Carolissa: and so we kind of fell into, Sophia goes to preschool, so we kind of fell into this routine where we would drop her off in the morning and then go straight to the NICU.
Carolissa: So we would be at the NICU at [00:09:00] 8am like it was our job.
Ashley: Yep. Mm-Hmm?
Carolissa: Um, and so we would stay at the NICU throughout the whole time that Sophia was at school. And then we would both leave to pick up Sophia. Um, we would go home. I would have dinner with her, and then I would come back alone to the nicu for the NICU for the, the shift change.
Carolissa: And then I also pumped. So I was pumping throughout the whole time. So I would do one of my night feeding my night pumps there. I would leave the milk and then I would go home for the night. Um, and of course I was like calling every like two hours
Aisha: Yep.
Ashley: Yeah. Yeah. Mm-Hmm?
Carolissa: and it was just. I had missed out on so much on Sophia's, like, life, um, because I was on bed rest for those four months. I couldn't do anything with her. My husband literally did F. A. S. T. that time, took her to swim. He got to do everything. Um, and that was also hard because it's like, [00:10:00] that was something else I was keeping from me, right? Um, and it's like, okay, I can't be a mom to Elizabeth and I can't be a mom to Sophia. It's like, well, what, what can I do?
Carolissa: Right. And those feelings are super hard to like navigate. Um,
Ashley: Absolutely.
Carolissa: so I remember I was just telling my husband, I was like, it's not fair. Like you get to do all these things, but I don't want Elizabeth to feel alone either. Um, so we just kind of fall into this routine where we would spend, I would come home. Um, He would spend time with Elizabeth within the NICU when Sophia was at school.
Carolissa: We would come home, we would have dinner. I would get her ready for bed, but then I would leave to go back to the NICU and he would put Sophia to the bed. She was very much used to daddy put downs, so she, and she loved it. So I'm like, I don't want to interfere in what is already working for
Aisha: Yeah.
Carolissa: Um, but I did feel left out.
Ashley: yeah.
Carolissa: Um, and so I would leave, and then I would go to the NICU, I would meet the night nurse, and then I would pump, I would do the that feeding if I could, and [00:11:00] then I would go home. Um, and I would get home pretty late, so I would get ready and then I would go to sleep and I would pump until, I think I was up until probably like 12 a.
Carolissa: m. I would probably sleep like three or four hours. And then I would be up again, do the school routine with her in the morning, and have breakfast with Sofia, and then do the, we did that the whole Monday through Friday. Saturdays, we would take turns. So I would do the morning and then I would come home, he would, and we would switch.
Carolissa: So I would stay with Sofia the rest of the time and he would go and spend time with Elizabeth and the NICU. Um, and that's kind of how like how we handled that those two months where we were going back and
Aisha: Mm-Hmm.
Carolissa: and it was exhausting.
Aisha: Yeah.
Carolissa: It was so exhausting. So how to go back and forth and I wanted nothing more than to just be home with my baby, with all my babies together.
Ashley: Yep.
Carolissa: Yeah. Um,
Aisha: yeah. Well, that's
Aisha: so, yeah. Mm-Hmm,
Aisha: So, no, go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead.
Carolissa: Um, no, I was just gonna say that Elizabeth day was semi uneventful, but not really. Um, cause she had, so she had a lot of cardio issues too. [00:12:00] And so with her, she, um, It was really weird. She would have, she had these two events where her heart rate just shot up to 250 and it just stayed there and they could not get it down for any, like, it was like that for over five minutes.
Carolissa: I remember they called, um, her pediatrician up and they were like, hey, you know, the NICU
Aisha: Mm-Hmm.
Carolissa: not her actual pediatrician, um, and she, she's like, I can't get it down. And like, once the nurse, like, was like to the doctor, I can't get it down. I'm like, Um, what do you mean we can't get a town like she's been yeah And so I remember my husband and I she was just crying and crying and crying We cannot console her and i'm like, okay What are what can we do?
Carolissa: And she's like i'm just gonna check the chart. They did an ekg And they were running all this stuff and then she just stopped and I was like, okay, she just stopped crying and i'm like Everything okay. She's like well Her p waves are starting to come back, which I guess was a good thing You So she's [00:13:00] like, we're just gonna watch her for now and kind of just see how it goes and I'm like Okay, well, the heart is pretty important,
Ashley: Yeah.
Carolissa: If the heart's not functioning, then this is a problem.
Aisha: Mm-Hmm
Ashley: I love
Carolissa: she's like, it's okay, we're gonna, we're gonna keep an eye on her. And I'm like, okay. And I remember that day, I'm like, I don't want to leave. Like, I don't want to leave. Because what if she has something like this again, or and we're not here. Um, and she, she didn't, she had it one more time. Um, not as bad as that one.
Carolissa: That one was, that one lasted a really long time. And her echo came back normal.
Carolissa: Um, they did ultrasounds of her brain bleeds and those came back normal. She had, most of her NICU stay was feeding. And, and I hear, Feeding being like a big thing, right? The feedings that take everybody
Aisha: Mm-Hmm.
Carolissa: um, to break out of the NICU.
Aisha: Yeah.
Ashley: Yep. Yeah.[00:14:00]
Aisha: Mm-Hmm.
Ashley: Mm-Hmm.
Carolissa: Um, but she just like, we went from being able to bottle feed her and then to not being able to feed her at all. She was just brady every single time. And we had two events where she coded. was we were not there. They called us afterwards and I remember it was like 10 o'clock at night and were wrapping up like things at in the house and she and they called me and I'm like oh that's weird they're calling from the NICU
Aisha: Yeah.
Aisha: Mm-Hmm.
Carolissa: I answered it thinking like it was just like oh they're calling me for an update right
Ashley: Yeah.
Aisha: How are you doing?
Carolissa: and she was like yeah she's like okay um I just want to tell you that she's fine and I'm like what happened?
Carolissa: Right, cause like, you're starting off bad, right? And she's like, um, she coded, but she was only down for, I think, she said, like, two to three minutes. Um, we have her back. Um, she's like, we're just gonna closely monitor her, cause they had [00:15:00] two, they have two floors. They have, like, the second floor, which is, like, the ICU, like, really, um, intense floor, where they, it's one nurse to a baby.
Carolissa: And then the second floor is, like, for the NICU baby's that are doing better, closer to discharge, and there that's, uh, one nurse to two babies or three babies, depending on how the babies are doing. And that's the floor that we were on now. And so I'm like, okay, I don't want to go back down. because if we go back downstairs and who knows when we're going to go home.
Carolissa: And she's like, we're just going to watch her and we're just going to keep an eye out for her. And I was like, okay. Um, and then she was fine. We didn't, we weren't able to feed her. They were just doing the two feedings for a while. And then they were just in, she just needs to rest. You need to give her time to rest and I hated hearing that
Carolissa: because it was like, okay, I understand that, but she was just doing so well, right?
Carolissa: And I just hated being reminded of the fact that she isn't doing well, you know, and that she needs more time and that she's not where she's supposed to be because it was just a reminder that [00:16:00] it's my fault, right? Like this is, she's not where she's supposed to be because of me, right? Um, which I know now that's not true.
Carolissa: But she at the time that that was what it was and I was just like, okay Well, we kind of fell back into our routine. I went back to looking for all the positives She was gaining weight really well And i'm like, okay, you know, we got three ounces fantastic um And they would leave like these little notes on the door and alexis would do these like Um milestone cards for me and so like she would be like she when she needed to like Six pounds.
Carolissa: She was like, she's
Carolissa: six pounds. And so when I would come in, I, she would place them on the closet door and I would see them. Um, and then one of the times she had like her, um, hand, her hand print when she finally was able to do it and her like, um, feet print. Um, and this whole time I'm like, you're amazing for doing this milestone climb because they've [00:17:00] made me smile.
Carolissa: I was like, okay, you know, we're doing such amazing things. You're right. Um, so when we close to the discharge, I, I think we were three days away from going home, right? And I remember I was like, I'm going to take Sophia to swim, right? I'm like, she's good. We're, we overcome a lot of the obstacles. We're close to getting home.
Carolissa: We were doing feedings back on the bottle. Um, and I remember I was sitting, having lunch with Sophia after swim and my husband called me and I'm thinking nothing of it. And I answered and he's like, Something happened and I'm like, what happened? And he's like, I was feeding her and she coded and I'm like, what?
Carolissa: Like she had a Brady and he's like, yeah, but she was like blue. Like she wasn't responding. He's like, the nurses came in. Um, and he's like, and he's like, like talking to me, but I can tell that he's like holding back tears.
Ashley: Yeah.
Ashley: Mm-Hmm?
Carolissa: so I'm like, [00:18:00] we're not going to be able to take her home. And he's like, no. And I'm like, okay, well, Like, what happened?
Carolissa: And he's like, she just, she just wasn't responding. And so I guess they called like, um, the Code Blue team and they came in and they were able to get her back. But he's like, she's going to have to stay a couple more days. And I'm like, okay. And he's like, I'm sorry. And I'm like, it's not your fault. Right?
Carolissa: Like, it's not, we're trying to get her home and it doesn't matter. I'm like, it's whether it's you or me or the nurses feeding her, it's going to happen. Um, and we know that. And he's like, I just, He's like, she literally died in my arms and I'm like, yeah, I, he's like, I don't even know how to process that.
Carolissa: And I was just, I was like, just come home and we'll go home. And then I remember he came home and I just, he just hugged me and cried. And I was like, I'm, I'm so sorry. Right. [00:19:00] Um, and then I'm like, you know what? I'm sorry for the both of us. Right. None of us asked to be here. Right, this is something that happened to us and it sucks and we have to process it and we have to move on because Elizabeth is fine.
Carolissa: That's the reality. The reality is that she's back, she's alive, she's fine, we can see her. And I was like, but I want to go see her, I want to make sure that she's okay. And so we processed that, um, I left to go to the NICU and I saw her. And the nurse was like, you know, she's doing better. We're just gonna keep her, um, we're going to have to keep her here a couple more days.
Carolissa: And I'm like, OK. And it was heartbreaking because everyone knew we were bringing her home. So people were asking like, OK, did you have anything ready? Do you need everything? And then we had to tell everyone that. She wasn't going to be coming home when we thought she was going to,
Ashley: Yeah.
Carolissa: [00:20:00] um, so that was, that was super hard.
Ashley: Yeah.
Carolissa: Um, but after that she didn't have any more episodes and, but my husband didn't feed her again because he
Ashley: Mm. Yep.
Carolissa: can't, I can't do it. And I'm like, okay, that's fine. I understand how traumatic that is. Um, so I will, I would do them, right? So I did all of the feedings and between us and the nurses, She does, she does still have bradies, but not like that.
Carolissa: Um, so we were able to bring her home. So it was this like graduation day
Ashley: and how many
Carolissa: little cat,
Ashley: Oh, sorry. Wow. 56.
Carolissa: 56 long days. Oh my gosh. I miss this. So like throughout the 56 days, so she was born on October 10th and Sophia's birthday is November 2nd. So for her, um, for her birthday. We, for her third birthday, we gave her the surprise to come and see her sister in the NICU for the first time [00:21:00]
Ashley: Oh,
Carolissa: was over the moon.
Carolissa: Like, it was the cutest video of her coming in and she's like, my sister. Yeah. She's like, this is the best birthday present
Ashley: Oh my gosh. Replay that for them when like, if they fight when they're older, be like, remember how happy you were to have
Carolissa: to see your sister.
Ashley: ever? Look.
Carolissa: Oh my goodness. Yeah. She tried to read her books and sing. Yeah.
Aisha: Well,
Ashley: Well, and not to, not to go back real quick before the official discharge date, but I remember one of our NPs kind of sitting down with me when we got past, like him needing to be on CPAP and my son could be just working on feeding. And she like grabbed my hands and she looks at me and she's like, this is when it gets hard. And I was like, Excuse me. Like this has already been really hard. Like this, you know, she's like, yeah, maybe like the [00:22:00] really big scary things are done, but now it's like the, we just wait, we wait for him to be ready. And it's like that like daily, like, okay, we did another ounce. We did another milliliter.
Ashley: Like we made it through a bottle feed without a Brady. And I remember that that made it feel the longest because it's like, you could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but that tunnel also felt So, so far away. And when you were sharing just about like the, okay, two steps forward, five steps back, just kind of that, like waiting it's until you're a NICU parent, you really just don't understand how that feels.
Ashley: And really just like counting down the days, letting people know, like we might be coming home on this date. Oh, actually it's going to be the next date. Like, it's just, it's a really, like your heart gets really excited and then just really defeated in the next, you know, week. You know, almost in the same breath sometimes.
Aisha: it's almost like
Aisha: watching water boil and like, it's
Ashley: Yeah,
Aisha: that [00:23:00] you can't do anything to speed up the process, but you're just watching
Aisha: it anyway. And you're just like, when is, and, and also just, you know, listening to you. And I mean, Carolissa that you were spread so thin. Um, between all the things that you were, you were doing the trying to be like, uh, at my heart just went out to you when you were sharing about having to navigate, um, being there for both your daughters and feeling at the same time that you weren't doing enough. You know, for, for either of them, because there was just so much to, to, how could you, you are, you're one person. Right. And, and I think that that just speaks to a lot of, um, our, our community and our NICU sisters who, who do have multiples. And, um, I'm sure they feel and resonate so much with that. Um, how difficult and how impossible that feels to, To be able to do it all.
Aisha: And, and I think that it's, um, just so important to, to extend grace to yourself in those times, because [00:24:00] you are doing enough and your daughters are so lucky to have you as a mom. Um, It's just, again, I listened to you and it's just so clear to me how much you love them and how, um, you know, throughout the episode, I keep hearing you say, you know, okay, what can I do? What can we do? And that's just that mindset of like, I am not just going to sit and cross my arms and wait for something to happen. Like. I'm going to take action. And that has just been your MO through this whole experience. And, and it just shows that you are doing more than enough. And it's just, I just wanted to say that because my heart went out to you, um, as you shared that, you know, that's just, I can't even imagine. So, um, thank you for sharing that. And also just, um, Yeah, again, like that rollercoaster of, of, of the NICU of waiting and being so close to coming home. And then, you know, something else you touched on is kind of managing other people's expectations too, right? Cause [00:25:00] Elizabeth is loved by so many, obviously, you know, you guys have family and friends who are so excited to meet her and want to have her home.
Aisha: And that question that we all kind of dread of like, when will they come home? And, and you don't know
Aisha: the answer to it. And, and so. Sorry, Andy decided to do dishes really loudly. I don't know if you could hear that. Um, glaring through the door. Um, but, uh, that, that's just another, another, a whole other thing that us NICU parents are sometimes, it's like the invisible load that we have to carry of also like, we're managing people's expectations too.
Aisha: And so, That's hard. That's hard too. So, um, yeah, I just wanted to say that those were just things that kind of stood out to me as you were speaking and such real things that we have to deal with, you know, when we're navigating the NICU too.
Ashley: Yeah.
Carolissa: It's definitely difficult. Yeah.
Ashley: So beautiful. Well, okay. So let's talk then about you get the, hold on. I thought I heard my alarm clock. Sorry. Um, Let's talk then, um, so you get the official discharge day and, cause there's also that like, you can't wait for that day to come and then all of a sudden that day is here and you're like, wait a minute, okay, um, maybe I want like one more day of just security knowing that there's monitors and people to help at all times.
Ashley: So how are you feeling when it was officially time to go home?
Carolissa: I was excited. I was [00:26:00] ready.
Aisha: Right,
Carolissa: was so ready.
Ashley: Says the girl who walked to the NICU right after delivery, she's like, I got this, okay?
Carolissa: yeah, I'm like, let's go. Honestly though, I think we were both terrified of bringing her home and something happening because we're leaving that security of like, okay, if it happens here, everything is here. Right. But at the same time, I. I was like, I'm so close to having my family together, right? Being my girls together, being in our home.
Carolissa: And that was like, that was bigger, a bigger feeling than that security. Um, I'm like, we're going to be fine. We're going to be fine. She's going to be fine. I actually had another really good nurse, Kimmy, and she was amazing. She's like, okay guys, you're gonna go home. And she's like, Elizabeth, you're not going to do anything crazy to your mother.[00:27:00]
Carolissa: And she would always like talk to her. Um, and she was really good. She was always like, she's like, I want you guys to go home, right? And she's like, keep, she gave us like this bulb syringe. And she's like, she gave me like three of them. She's like, keep this. Everywhere you go, keep one in the car seat at all times, keep one in the diaper, um, in the diaper bag at all times, in her crib, in her chain, like everywhere.
Carolissa: She's like, this thing can be a lifesaver. And I'm looking at it and I'm like, this little thing? Like, she's just like, um, and she's like, yeah, she's like, you have no idea. And it's so crazy because it was the same thing. Um, the same bulb syringe that my OB had used to take all of Sophia's like, um, liquid out during the, during her birth.
Carolissa: So I was like, well, I mean, I know this thing saves, right? I've seen it happen.
Ashley: firsthand. Yeah. Mm hmm.
Carolissa: Um, yeah. And, and that was like,
Ashley: Mm hmm.
Carolissa: that was like, I'm like, I can do this. Like, I, we can do this. We made it through. Almost two months into [00:28:00] NICU, right? Like, we can take her home and we're gonna be fine. Our family's gonna be together.
Carolissa: Um, and I remember, like, packing up all of her stuff. Um, and I was like, okay, we got the photographer to come take her pictures, and Kimmy brings us this, like, little gown, like, little graduation cap, and this little gown that is huge on her. Um, and And then I'm taking down like those milestone cards and I am literally like just put taking them I flip them around and I noticed that Alexis had wrote a letter in the back from Elizabeth to me.
Carolissa: Um, on each of those milestone cards
Aisha: my gosh.
Carolissa: and I was like in tears. I was like, Oh my God. And my husband's like, what? I'm like, she wrote letters like on each day on the back. And because she had taped them on the, on the closet, I never touched them. So I was like, Oh, I didn't like think anything of it. Um, but yeah, like I was, um, like on one of them when she had, um, reached six pounds, she, it was just like, hi mom.
Carolissa: She's like, today I made it to six pounds and I know you're so incredibly proud of [00:29:00] me. Oh my gosh. I was like, oh my gosh. She was like, I can't. She's like, I'm one step closer to coming home with you and I cannot wait. Right. And I'm like, in freaking tears. I'm just like, how amazing is this? Like, how amazing is this?
Carolissa: Because she knew. That I wouldn't see it until the moment that we were going to leave.
Ashley: Yeah.
Carolissa: And I wasn't, she wasn't even there that day. I was like devastated because I didn't get to see her and I would give her like the biggest hug. I'm like, that was so amazing to me. So they took them all because then I'm like, taking them down, reading them.
Carolissa: And I'm just like, for you to think about this, it's just like, they're really incredible.
Carolissa: Um, and the NICU nurses are just like, It's absolutely incredible and we were very lucky to have amazing NICU nurses. Um, but yeah, and we actually got to leave. So Kimmy's like, you're leaving? And I'm like, okay, we're in the wheelchair, like we're actually leaving.
Aisha: Wow.
Carolissa: Um, so [00:30:00] we left with her and we got home. And, um, I remember Sophia was already here. So I was like, okay, go inside and tell her that. Elizabeth's here, right? So she is like super excited and we bring her in and she's like, oh my gosh, she's here. And I'm like, okay, but don't yell. And she's like, okay, okay. And she was trying to be like super helpful.
Carolissa: And she's like, what can I do? Can I touch her? Can I hold her? And it was, and Elizabeth's like this tiny little thing. And I was just like, yeah. And to me, I was like, she's such a big baby. Right.
Ashley: Yeah.
Carolissa: Until I actually saw her. Like next to another big baby, like another, like, full term baby. And I was like, Oh, she's not big at all.
Ashley: Right, they're little peanuts.
Carolissa: Yeah. But it was super exciting to actually finally come home and have like, like that moment that we've been waiting for.
Ashley: Yeah. You can see it all over your [00:31:00] face. Even you just talking about it, you're like reliving it and your face is like radiating joy right now. It's so beautiful. So beautiful. Wow. Girlfriends! What a ride.
Carolissa: Yeah, it was one wild ride for sure.
Ashley: It really was. Well, and as NICU parents, we all know that that's like chapter one, right? It feels like 15 chapters and maybe there is 15 chapters, but then you go to this, you know, kind of next chapter of life at home and all of a sudden you maybe have. Like a tiny bit more space to process and really just navigate everything that you guys went through.
Ashley: And so was it, was it easy to find your new normal as a family of four? Like, or was it, you know, and when did you really begin to process like everything that you had just endured?
Carolissa: Definitely not immediately.
Ashley: Yeah.
Carolissa: I definitely went into I was still in what can I do mode. Um, I think we both [00:32:00] were. And we were just like, you know, I was pumping so we had so many things that needed to be washed. And now, like, Elizabeth was on a different schedule than Sophia. She was feeding every three hours.
Carolissa: And it was just like, how do we my pumping schedule, Elizabeth's feeding schedule, Sofia's like schedule with playtime, coming home from school, and being having to do all of those things, and being in bed by a certain time. Um, I would say I was very, very lucky to have my mom, who came over every day and helped me.
Carolissa: Um, she would watch her at the house, and then that way when I would go to work, when I was ready to go back to work, and I would come back, I wouldn't have to like, um, [00:33:00] I think that helped us a lot to try to be like, okay, we can navigate our new normal and we can have her home and have the girls home. And she was still very much having like cardio issues where she was, her heart rate was just super low.
Carolissa: And it, we could not bring it up to like a normal one without having to stimulate her or like, you know, okay, we need you to wake up and we need you to, like, you know, remember that you have to breathe and you have to do all these things. Um, and she actually, my mom actually came to the NICU and got trained on how to feed her because at the time it was just me.
Carolissa: Um, and I was like, well, I have to go back to work. Brian was terrified of still
Carolissa: up to he's like, I just can't wait. I can't do it. And I'm like, okay so then I would it it was hard because I would be like pumping and then trying to like Have her like this and trying to feed her at the same
Carolissa: time
Ashley: Mm-Hmm.
Carolissa: But we got through it and then it was just then it just got easier as time went on in the sense that like all of the You I don't want to say like the hard things to do, like the feedings and all that, like managing both schedules just kind of became a thing, like the normal, the normalcy for us, right?
Carolissa: And we just started, and then we just started doing it. I'm like, okay, well, this is what we're doing and it's fine. And when we went back to work, it was like a smooth ride and we were just on the same thing. Um, and then I remember one day he was like, can I try feeding her now? Yes.
Aisha: Oh,
Carolissa: was like, I would love to not, like, have to come in here
Ashley: And,
Carolissa: the same time.
Carolissa: He's like, okay, tell me what to do. And so I showed him to sit right next to me. And I'm like, okay. And so I sat right next to him and she was going to speech therapy. So
Aisha: I don't
Carolissa: to navigate taking her to speech therapy in between, like, I would take her to school and go straight to speech therapy because the hospital was right on the street.
Carolissa: Um. But
Aisha: I
Carolissa: the hospital, the women's hospitals are across the street from where the speech therapy therapist was. So like the main hospital and the women's hospital are right across the street from each other. And it was still super traumatizing for me to drive by the hospital. Um, because I would just look at the window and I'm like, that's the window that I looked out of.
Carolissa: For so many nights and so many like I was just look out that window and just be like, all right If I people watch things will be better And I can distract myself But I knew exactly where that window was when I drove by because I knew what I was looking at and even now I drive by and I'm just like, you know, I say a little prayer for the mamas in there now and then But that was really hard to have to like still take her back to the same place Um, or vicinity.
Carolissa: And we eventually got past the speech issues and her feeding issues. And then once we got over that hump, even though she still had the cardio issues, things got way easier. Because then, like, it was more of a relief that, okay, if I feed her, she's not just going to, like, pass out on me or like choke or like die or anything, right?
Carolissa: Um, and I think that once we both were like, okay, she can drink a bottle and breathe at the same time and be fine. We were like, okay, we can do this, right? Like we're, we're over this other hump that was like our biggest, like, fear for bringing her home, given what NICU. Um, And so once we got past that, I was like, okay, we can do this.
Carolissa: And we got into like a little routine of having like to take her, um, to, to take care of her and Sophia, like together. And we were able to like leave the house after like three months and be like,
Ashley: right?
Carolissa: can be outside with the rest of the world and it's
Ashley: Yeah.
Carolissa: be fine.
Carolissa: Um, she, yeah, that was one thing I wish I would have known is that like After the NICU is going to be hard.
Ashley: Hmm.
Carolissa: because I think that for me, I was like, my biggest accomplishment was [00:34:00] to graduate the NICU. And I'm like that, that's the hardest part, right? This was the hardest part. But my first year out of the NICU was super hard.
Ashley: Yeah.
Carolissa: to navigate work and Sophia's schedule and what and home life and taking her to all of those appointments were super hard.
Carolissa: Like she, I was, I counted, we went to 88 appointments last year.
Ashley: Mm-Hmm.
Carolissa: And so that was like a one or two weeks appointment, two weeks appointments at a, like a week, two weeks, two appointments a week. It can't
Ashley: Yeah. You, you're good. It's a lot of
Ashley: appointments.
Carolissa: go. Yeah. And there was a lot of appointments and that was the in and out. And then having to go back to work and my job is super like understanding and super flexible, which I am so grateful for, but it was hard.
Carolissa: It was super draining. And I'm like, Why did nobody tell me that life outside of the NICU was going to be so hard, right? I thought that I was alone and my family would be put together [00:35:00] and we'd be fine, right?
Ashley: Mm-Hmm.
Carolissa: And that wasn't the case like we added We went from two specialists to the end of the year it was eight doctors on her medical team and I was like, is she ended of the year with the surgery too?
Carolissa: And I'm like, okay, this is just not, this is our life, right? It's just what it's going to be. Um, but everyone is working to make sure that she is healthy and that she is doing well and that she's good and that she can still stay home. Um, And I think that's keeping that perspective that we also had a great medical team and they were all very much, even though they weren't the same specialty, they were all like very much about caring about Elizabeth and making sure that they took care of their jobs so that the next doctor can take care of their part too.
Carolissa: And our pediatrician was fantastic as well. Um, At being like, you know, our like head coordinator, like being like, okay, you need to go see this person or you need to go see this person and just making sure that everyone was doing their job and taking care of her. And I think that that was also super helpful.
Carolissa: The fact that we have such good thought or have such good doctors on her team. Um, yeah, that. so I'm like one year out right now, because she just turned one in October.
Ashley: Wow.
Carolissa: and so yeah, it's hard.
Ashley: Yeah, no, you summed it up beautifully. I think it's, as you're sharing, I'm just reminded of like, just the different layers of acceptance that we navigate as NICU parents. Um, the acceptance of, okay, this is my pregnancy. This is maybe not what I envisioned, but I'm going to accept it. And, You know, process that. Then it's the birth. Then it's our, the newborn stage, you know, that time in the NICU, and then it's coming home and realizing, okay, our life still comes with these quote, extras, extra appointments, extra specialties. I'm, you know, and that just accepting that is, you know, There comes a lot of grief with that and it's [00:36:00] not out of an absence of pride.
Ashley: There's so much pride for everything that our babies are accomplishing and navigating and again, just daily in awe of that little ounce, right? Like you're celebrating every single feed, every single milestone, but it comes with this layer of grief of, I wish this wasn't so hard for you. You know, like I'm so proud of you, but I wish that I could do more to make this easier. And so just like multiple layers of acceptance and just really like, you know, it's, it's, it's difficult to accept it when we're just grieving what we thought it would all look like.
Carolissa: That's not funny. It is hard. And it's, it's like, we're super proud of how far she's
Ashley: Always.
Carolissa: we've seen how, where she was and like, it's like, okay, now you're here and you're, she's walking now. Um, and we still have some stuff to work through. Like she's just, she's having seizures and we don't know why.
Carolissa: So that's that's difficult because then we're [00:37:00] like every time we're like, oh, we're out of the woods something happens, right? But it's always we're trying to keep that perspective. Okay. Well, she's here. She's with us. She's aside from this she's Absolutely healthy, she has a beautiful smile, um, she literally is our wild child.
Carolissa: She's super curious, and she's like, she wants to know everything, and she wants to see everything. And I'm like, you know, what happened happened, um, and we can't change that. And it's crazy, because my husband and I always talk about it, and while we were processing, he's like, I You almost died. And I'm like, yeah, I did.
Carolissa: And he's like, I don't know what I was. He's like, I was freaking out because I thought they were going to ask me to choose. And he's like, how do you choose? How do you choose between your wife and your baby? Like, I can't make that choice. And I was like, well, you look pretty calm to me. And[00:38:00]
Ashley: The smiling in the corner. Uh huh.
Carolissa: it's all about show for you.
Ashley: huh. Uh huh. Uh
Ashley: huh. Uh
Carolissa: was, he's like, it's hard. And you go through this traumatic moment and that's hard. And nobody else gets it, right? Um, and that's something else that I had to learn early on. Like, no, nobody kind of quite gets what you're going through unless you've gone through it as well.
Carolissa: And, I think that that's okay. I've come to terms with the fact that it's okay for someone not to know what that feels like and say something that might sound like Well, like, you know, like, well, at least she's home, right? And she's like, okay, yeah, but that doesn't, that doesn't make it easier. Um, and it's just like, okay, well that's okay because you have that privilege to not have experienced that.
Carolissa: And that's fantastic. Like I wouldn't wish the NICU on anyone, right? Um, but they're hurtful terms, right? Cause it's just like, okay, well, my feelings are still valid. I'm so allowed to be angry and that doesn't mean that because and not even angry just sad right like it doesn't mean that i'm not happy to have her home that i'm not happy that she's here with me that i'm not happy that she's like [00:39:00] overall healthy and doesn't have any like deep any of those big like issues or like any of those cardio issues that she had like she's big fear from cardio which is great um it's it's still not fair right and that's okay to say
Carolissa: um
Aisha: hmm,
Carolissa: I think that I've come to the point now where I'm like, it's, it is okay for, for it to not be fair.
Carolissa: It's okay for it, for people not to understand. And I'm like, I'm like, my husband is my best friend
Ashley: Yeah.
Carolissa: he went through it with me. And so he, like, he gets it, right? He knows like, yeah, well, you know, people are just not going to get it. He's like, but it's okay. Like we, we're a team and it's definitely made our marriage stronger.
Carolissa: And he's like, You know, we, we get it and nobody else has to get it because they're our kids, right? And at the end of the day, we're, we're their parents and we're the ones who make the decisions. Um, and this is our journey to go through it together. Um, and there's nobody else's and that's okay. and I think that there's happiness in that.
Carolissa: Um, because it is a wild story, but if it didn't happen, we wouldn't have her, right? Yeah.
Ashley: Mm-Hmm.
Aisha: mm hmm
Carolissa: um, and everything, I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Like, I told, we were just like, okay, if [00:40:00] my OB had not been like, no, we're admitting her for pre term labor and had listened to the MFM and sent me back home.
Carolissa: And then I, My water, my water
Carolissa: would have broken here. I would have not made it to the hospital. I'm like, so all of that happened in the span of like 10, 15 minutes.
Aisha: mm
Carolissa: like, even if I had called 911, they wouldn't even have gotten here to the hospital on time for any of that to have happened. Um, so it's like all of these things that happened, happened the way they were supposed to happen.
Carolissa: Um, and of course we're like realizing that afterwards, when we're processing and talking
Carolissa: and we're like, okay, right, we were really upset about the way it happened here, but it's just like, it's a good thing that it happened the way it did. Um, and it's like, it gives you a new perspective on life. And I'm like, we wouldn't have this perspective if it hadn't happened.
Ashley: Yeah. Mm-Hmm.
Carolissa: and so like now we try really hard to like, [00:41:00] Enjoy life more meaningfully. Um, you know, like I try to spend, like, purposely spend time with Sophia and Elizabeth together and just make family time and just really be mindful about what we're doing and making sure that. They know that they are loved, right?
Carolissa: And that we care for them. And that we're doing everything that we're doing for them. And so I think that as hard as the NICU experience is, there's a lot of beauty in it if you really Take the time to look for it. Um, so going back to when I wasn't trying to listen to the nurse,
Aisha: Mm hmm. Yep. full circle
Carolissa: there, there really was like, yes, full circle moment.
Carolissa: She really did. Um, I, after processing, I was like, yeah, you know, it is true. There is a lot of beauty in the NICU. A lot of miracles happen in the NICU. We've, we witnessed it. Um, and that's amazing. And knowing now that everything is going to be okay. I don't think that, I also don't think that you can actually ever fully process.
Carolissa: I can't like, I mean, I'm only one year out and I'm not going to tell you that I've fully processed the NICU because [00:42:00] there are times where I'm just like, Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, everything's fine. And then like, it'll hit me and I would be like in this, like, not bad spot, but like, I'm just really sad about everything.
Carolissa: And I'm just like, I just need to sit with my feelings and it'll be okay. And my husband's like, okay. He's like, but don't stay there. And I'm like, yes, I know. And it's just hits you at different times.
Aisha: Yeah.
Aisha: Definitely.
Ashley: Well, I think you said some important language that I want to make sure to emphasize is you said You said the word after you said the word a year You said the word time as you've been talking about like when you've been able to process and I think it's important to remember Especially for the moms that are in the NICU right now that are listening and they're like will I ever feel that? You know, because when you're in it, you hear the comments like the nurse makes and you're like, okay, that's great now, you know, like you don't know my story. You don't know what I'm navigating, you know, but that's why we say healing is that lifelong journey because sometimes it takes time. In fact, it should take time. It's a significant, significant part of your story. And so, um, to the moms listening who are [00:43:00] maybe really fresh to their experience, um, It's okay if you're not at that
Ashley: level of acceptance yet. It's okay if you can't quite see it. And it's okay if it takes a little bit of time to get there. We all get there at different speeds, at different lengths. But the most important thing is that you're honoring your heart in the process. And you're caring for your heart in the process to get to that next level of healing. And you're not alone. in that healing. Um, this sisterhood understands the mountains and the valleys that come with healing and the anniversaries and the birthdays and the Facebook reminders.
Ashley: Like we talked about on the call and episode about birthdays, like it's going to be a continual lifelong journey, but the beauty of that is that it is because it's such a significant part of who and what made you a mom. And that is really, really beautiful. And so, um, I think you said some really important things about just the time it took to get to where you are at today and that that's really important to mention.
Ashley: Yeah.
Aisha: And I think also just, um, reminding us that it's okay to the, like, well, we always [00:44:00] talk about the duality of emotions and that, you know, the presence of one emotion does not cancel out. Another emotion that they can coexist and you can be frustrated and angry or sad about the experience that you had to endure and also be grateful and happy.
Aisha: And, you know, feel all of it. It's, it, you, it's not one or the other. You can have both feelings living in the same place. And, and I think it was just such a beautiful affirmation for moms that you said of. You know, it's okay to feel it. And I think you were talking about, you know, like when no one else gets it, um, also saying like, that's okay too, you know, no one has to get it.
Aisha: As long as you're true to yourself and you know what you went through and you validate, sometimes you have to give that validation to yourself, you know, and say like, no, like what I went through. That was real and it's worthy of my time to process, to heal. Um, and, and it doesn't matter if anybody else [00:45:00] ever understands it to the depth that I do, because as long as I'm doing that work, that's all that matters.
Aisha: Right. And so I thought that that was just also a very beautiful perspective. Um, and just you, you and your husband again are just seem like the best team, the best team. You know, going through that together. So yeah.
Ashley: So beautiful. Girl, it's been an honor to share your story. I, I will go to bed tonight just like, truly in awe of who you are and all you've gone through and just so grateful to have you a part of this community and this sisterhood. And I just know that your story is going to bring so much hope to other moms.
Ashley: And as you were talking to, it reminded me of a podcast episode we did with Child Life On Call about supporting older NICU siblings, um, at home while you have a baby in the NICU. And I'm going to take that in the description in the show notes as well, just because she gives some really practical tips and. One quote that she says in it is she says, it's a lose lose. If you're home with your baby in the NICU, you're losing out on time with your baby at home. If you're home with your baby at home, you feel like you're losing out on time with your baby in the NICU. And she's like, it's a lose lose. It's hard. It's, it's, [00:46:00] you know, like you've mentioned, it's not fair. It shouldn't be this way. but you are enough and the time that you provide for both of your babies and both of your kids is enough. So I'll tag that in the show notes as well, but so many nuggets of wisdom already. But
Ashley: one thing that we always do to close out the episode is just any word of hope or encouragement you have for another NICU mom.
Ashley: So what would you leave us with?
Carolissa: Uh, . Oh, wow.
Ashley: I know so much
Ashley: pressure.
Carolissa: Um, I guess I would say that,
Carolissa: uh, , one thing I would say is that you are enough. Um, I'm actually, like you said that and I was like, yes. Um, you are enough. The little things that you're doing is exactly what you need to be doing. It's enough. You're doing and you're giving what you can, and whether you think that you're drowning and that you're not doing enough, that's not true.
Carolissa: Your babies, both of them, even if you have a baby at home or you have a baby in the NICU, they don't know the difference, right? We know what we're doing, and we know that we have the And we're not reaching them to their potential, but they don't know. they're just excited to see us. [00:47:00] They're excited to like, feel us and be with us.
Carolissa: And always try to keep the perspective that your child loves you no matter what. Um, and you are going to make it through this. You are amazing. Um, and this is temporary. This is temporary. And whether it's 30 days from now or Five years from now, you're gonna look back and you're gonna be like, I did it. I made it through and I'm stronger and I am, I am resilient and I am powerful, right?
Carolissa: Cause you are. You absolutely are and you will make it through. You're just gonna hang in there. look for the positive nuggets. Every day.
Ashley: Yeah.
Carolissa: and it will be okay. Woo!
Ashley: Oh, man.
Ashley: Well, with that. Yes. Thank you so much. And with that, we close out part two. We did it. You did it. Um, I'm sending you all the virtual coffee from afar. You deserve it tomorrow to just get your favorite beverage to wake up in the morning. Um, but no, thank you so much for sharing your story and to all of our moms listening that resonated with, [00:48:00] with parts of Carolissa story we hope that you feel seen and heard whether you have babies at home and in the NICU, whether you have. Just a sweet babe in the NICU. No matter what your journey looks like or how it unfolds, we just hope that this story of hope inspires you to take another step. You will get through this, like Carolissa said, and you are enough. So, mama's we will be back next week with another wonderful episode, but thank you so much for being a part of this community, and we can't wait to see you next week.
Thank you so much for listening to the Dear NICU Mama podcast. If you loved this episode, we'd be so grateful for a review. For more ways to connect with the Dear NICU Mama Sisterhood, check out the links in the episode description.
