S8 Ep5 Transcription
Season 8 Episode 5 "Carolissa | Elizabeth’s NICU Journey Part 1”
•• Please note that this is a computer generated transcript and there are potential errors. For this recording, there was an error with the recording software so unfortunately the voices are not labeled in the transcription.
Ashley & Aisha: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Dear NICU Mama Podcast. This podcast is a safe place to connect with other NICU moms by listening to interviews with trauma informed medical and maternal mental health experts, remarkable stories from the NICU, and intentional roundtable conversations. Our hope is that you feel like you're sitting across the table from another NICU sister and feel seen and validated in your experience.
Ashley & Aisha: No matter where you are on your healing journey, this podcast is here to remind you that you are not alone. Welcome to the Sisterhood.
Ashley: Hello, beautiful mamas. It is Monday here as we are recording, but you are listening to this on a Wednesday. So happy Wednesday. Hello, Aisha.
Ashley: You had a jam packed week last
Aisha: Yes, I did.
Ashley: How are you doing?
Aisha: I'm doing good. I am on my last straw of, you know, just extremely exhausted, but I am so happy and it was a great week. We celebrated Eva's fourth birthday. [00:01:00] It feels weird to say four, cause I don't know. She's just growing so fast, but it was awesome. She was treated like royalty and she is, so it was amazing. I I'm pooped though.
Ashley: Girl, you made a castle.
Aisha: a castle to those who listened to last week. I made it, it was epic. And It
Aisha: stood the, it stood the test of toddlers crazy running around it and like diving in through the windows. Like it was sturdy. I was so shocked that it did not collapse during the party, but
Aisha: we did it. Thank you to my family. Who supported my visions and helped me.
Ashley: how long is the castle going to stay in your
Aisha: It is gone. It's not,
Ashley: Oh, it's already gone.
Aisha: not my house. It was my parents house. So they took it down immediately after they're like, the living room is back to normal. Like, Oh, cool.
Ashley: that's funny here I thought it was in your living room and it was just going to be up until
Aisha: Oh, I wish I wish.[00:02:00]
Ashley: So funny. Well. Happy fourth birthday to Eva. We got so many messages from moms that listened to last week's episode that just found so much hope and healing listening to the episode. And if you haven't had a chance to listen to it, our last week's episode was all about navigating birthdays.
Ashley: And the mamas in our sisterhood shared some of the most beautiful and heartfelt and hope filled and also just really real and raw, um, perspectives of how it feels to celebrate a NICU baby's birthday. And it was one of my favorites to do as together. It was just, I was crying after each submission,
Aisha: Mine too. Mine too. And it's just a reminder, no matter how far out you are from the NICU, it still is so important to get those reminders. Like for me, it was so timely to get, to listen to those.
Aisha: So, thank you for everyone who wrote in and called in. Can't wait for the next one!
Ashley: I know. Make sure you follow us on social media or are a part of our private Facebook group to get the first, um, kind of announcement [00:03:00] of when our next Mamas Call In prompt is, but we're going to try to do them monthly because we're having so much fun with them. So, oh, awesome. Well, Mamas, we have a very special episode today.
Ashley: We get to do A true NICU mama story with the one and only Carolissa. Carolissa. is a dear mama in the sisterhood because, well, first of all, she's a new recent team member. So, virtual applause for that. We're so excited to have her on our editorial team. But our first connection with Carolissa, um, Up close was a letter submission that she wrote and after I read her letter, I was like, yep, I want to get to know her more.
Ashley: She seems like such a beautiful and remarkable NICU mom. And I am happy to say that I was right. She is truly remarkable and beautiful and wonderful. And so we get to share her remarkable NICU story today. And so Carolissa, welcome!
Carolissa: Thank you. I'm already crying. We haven't even started.
Ashley: That's what [00:04:00] happens when
Ashley: you get to spend some time with other NICU moms, just telling each other how brave we are and how much we just value each other. The tears just come.
Carolissa: I know. I was actually just thinking about how. I submitted my letter on a whim. So Elizabeth, it was around Elizabeth's first birthday and I was having all of these feelings and I was like, you know, I saw the prompt. So the prompt was, um, Dear NICU mama from one sister to another. And I was like, I'm going to write myself a letter.
Carolissa: And so that's how it started. Right. And then I was like. You know what? I want to write this letter to the mama that's sitting in that NICU room right
Ashley: Mm hmm.
Carolissa: right? Um, and so I did and I, the thing is like, I wrote it and I'm gonna submit it and I'm gonna submit my pictures and I'm never gonna look at it again.
Carolissa: It's probably not even gonna get picked and it was so crazy that it did and it was, you know, like her birthday, I think the day of her birthday was when I found out and I was telling my husband, [00:05:00] oh my god, I got picked! And it just meant so much to me,
Carolissa: like, it's, it's, yeah.
Ashley: here, so
Carolissa: my
Ashley: that tonight. Um, and not to put you on the spot or anything, I tend to do this when, um, one of our podcast guests like yourself has wrote a letter. I love to read their letter. On the episode. So not to put you on the spot, but I do wanna read Carolissa episode because it was a beautiful one. Um, and I'll also link it in the show notes where to find the link to her letter as well. But she wrote, dear NICU Mama from one sister to another. I hope you give permission to truly feel like the resilient mama you are. The NICU is a scary place, quickly changing with many rules that often leave us feeling as a stranger in the room. But a mother is someone who is loving, selfless, and would do anything for their sweet little babe. NICU mama, that IS you. And the is is in [00:06:00] capital letters. I hope in the midst of the chaos, you remember you made those beautiful little toes and fingers. They know your heartbeat, and you theirs. That smile that lights up the world.
Ashley: Your world, you made. You are their world, their protector, and their guiding light. NICU mama, that babe is as resilient as you are. I know you're tired, sweet mama. The fight is a long one, but there is goodness ahead. There is light at the end of the tunnel. The NICU is a scary place, but it is also a beautiful place where miracles happen. Your little babe, sweet mama, is living proof of that. Love, Carolissa. And now we're all a mess over here. That last line, though. Also, a beautiful place where miracles happen. Your little babe, sweet mama, is living proof of that. So good.
Aisha: It's even better knowing like the backstory too, like that she wrote it for as her anniversary was coming up. But what a beautiful, beautiful letter and so much hope and thank you so much for courageously sharing that and writing that for, for another NICU mama to, to read and
Aisha: feel embraced by those words.
Aisha: Cause very powerful.
Ashley: Mm hmm.
Carolissa: Thank you guys
Ashley: Absolutely. Oh,
Carolissa: man.
Ashley: Well,
Ashley: my dear. Yeah, I know. Right. Well, let's dive in then to your remarkable story and kind of start from the beginning. So tell us a little bit [00:07:00] about your sweet family and, you know, was. Being a mom, always something that you had dreamed of. You know, what was it like to become a mom?
Ashley: Was there any babies before? Sweet Elizabeth. Tell us a little bit of the preview.
Carolissa: So there is a baby before Elizabeth. So, um, we have two girls. Sophia is our oldest. She is four now. Um, with Sophia, I also had a preterm labor. Um, I went into 34 weeks. I, we were able to delay it two weeks. I was on strict bedrest in the hospital for a week and then I ended up Coming home, so I didn't even know my pediatrician, and at the hospital I'm like, filling out all the paperwork, and I'm like, yeah, I'm supposed to meet this lady in like a week, don't even know, put her on the form, um, the NICU team actually came and spoke to us too, um, to tell us about like, what would happen, all of that stuff.
Carolissa: Then we ended up having her at 36 weeks, so I went home, I got to meet my pediatrician, and she was like, it was crazy because she also had, she has 3 kids, and one of her kids was a 36 weeker too. Um, so I, and at the time I was about to turn 36 weeks, so I was like, oh okay, like, she knows, right? So it was great meeting her and then two days, so I 31st, and then two days later I wanted to preterm labor again.
Carolissa: And so they were pretty much like we're not, we can't do anything about it. We're just gonna deliver And with her labor was fine. We had a traumatic birth So basically she swallowed too much amniotic fluid and was not breathing. Um That was hard. Um, because we, I delivered naturally, so like she was, you know, Right in front of me and no, the NICU team was there.
Carolissa: Everybody was waiting and nobody was moving. And she [00:08:00] was just, the doctor was just trying to get as much water out. And all you can hear was the water dropping on the floor and we can see her. She was blue. Like she wasn't responding. Um, and I, I remember I was just like, I, I don't know what to do. Like you need that memories forever engraved in my brain.
Carolissa: Um, and I just remember praying. I'm like, please, please, please don't take her. Please don't take her. And then she breathed. As soon as she breathed, and she let a small faint cry out, everybody just started moving. They took her away, they did all this stuff. Luckily, she didn't need a NICU stay, um, because they had gotten the steroid shots.
Carolissa: So she had, her lungs were good, but she had so much fluid stuck in her chest. And they, this was in 2019, so they had a special, like, nursery, where they would, if the baby was, Good respiratory wise they can stay with you but they would come and take her like several hours during the day and they would come every hour so they were like you didn't need to be in the NICU but they were still on checks very like recent like more than they would I guess for like a normal birth um and they would come and take her for a couple hours a day they would come and do testing she had low blood sugar and so that was Sophia's story we did get to take her home and she We went to the doctor every week and after four months, they were like, you know, her chest, it sounds like it'll just clear out. But she was constantly sounding like she was, like she couldn't breathe, like she was so raspy and she can, she was like, all the time. And which was so scary because I'm like, I never knew if it was just the fluid or like, you know.
Carolissa: Um, but after the four months came, she, it cleared up and [00:09:00] then she was fine.
Carolissa: And it was like, okay, maybe we can breathe now, you know? Um, so after Sophia, we healed from that
Ashley: Yeah.
Carolissa: a little bit, as much as we can. And then we always knew we wanted to have, we actually wanted to have three kids. So I always knew that I wanted to be a mom and we started trying again. And so we actually experienced secondary infertility.
Carolissa: So I could not get pregnant from anything. And anytime I would get pregnant, I would lose a baby. So I had two miscarriages. Um, both of them, one of them, it was early on. So like I went to the OB and I had an ultrasound. And then they had told me that the baby had stopped groaning. The second one, I was, I was further along.
Carolissa: I was like 10 or 11 weeks and I had already had an ultrasound. Everything was good. So I was going for a follow up appointment. And then my OB told me that there [00:10:00] was no, no heartbeat. Um, that was. That was hard. Like, I, I literally just came home and sat on the couch.
Ashley: Yeah.
Carolissa: like, it's like, I see the baby.
Carolissa: And that's also hard because you have to go back and like, they have to make sure that the baby's not there anymore and all of this stuff. And it's just like, okay.
Ashley: Yeah.
Carolissa: I was feeling very like, this is not meant to be kind of thing. Um, and also I didn't know, I didn't understand what was happening. We got pregnant with Sophia and we didn't experience this.
Carolissa: Um, so my OB, I had. several consults and she was like, you know, secondary, secondary infertility is actually very common. Um, it's common for you to not struggle and have a baby the first time, like trying to get pregnant and then really have a hard time getting pregnant the second time around.
Carolissa: Um, I did not even know that was a thing. So she's like, [00:11:00] you can keep trying. We'll do more testing. We'll try to figure out, um, what's going on. We actually had an appointment with a fertility clinic. When I got pregnant with Elizabeth like literally like the week before
Ashley: Oh my
Carolissa: And so I was like I told my husband I was like I really we both really wanted to have another baby And I think for both of us it was just that we wanted to Have another chance to know that things would go normally not that we would know. Um,
Carolissa: so we got pregnant with Elizabeth and I That was a wild ride. But yeah, I'm sorry, I think I got away from your question.
Ashley: No, you didn't. You're doing great. No, you're right on. No, it's all like really important parts of your story that we want to make sure to include. You're doing
Ashley: wonderful. Um, I wanted to, you know, circle back to something that we You mentioned of just, you know, having the, the miscarriages on top of [00:12:00] each other, you know, how did you and your husband really like navigate that grief and really open your heart again to, to trying again?
Ashley: I mean, what was it like to, to get pregnant with Elizabeth and then just like, okay, we're going to go into those appointments. I mean, was it scary? Were you feeling like really hopeful? I mean, how are you feeling and how did you guys process getting pregnant with Elizabeth?
Carolissa: I was terrified. I was completely terrified. I think that we were both on the same wavelength. I mean, we wouldn't, we don't know what's going to happen if we don't try, right? Um,
Carolissa: but I remember the first I was like, I cannot go by myself, because the last time I was in that room, I had someone tell me that our baby didn't have a heartbeat anymore.
Carolissa: And I was alone.
Carolissa: And I was like, I can't, I can't do that. Like, what if that happens again?
Carolissa: Um, so he actually went with me and he's like, we were both like,
Carolissa: No one said anything. And we were both just holding each other's hand and the ultrasound tech is like talking and we're like, mm hmm, mm hmm, mm hmm, and we're like, show us the baby, show us the heartbeat.
Ashley: Right?
Ashley: Less small talk, more baby.
Carolissa: right? And she's like, oh, you know, and it was the same tech too. Um, and honestly, I don't know if she remembered me, um, because I also, she was also the same tech that I had to go back to to make sure that I didn't have a baby anymore. Um, and I, I don't, no one just said anything, but to me it was like, I, I know, you know, and no one said anything and I was just like, okay, well, I hope you're, you're going to give us some good news.
Carolissa: I think we were both terrified.
Carolissa: Like, yeah,
Carolissa: I don't,
Ashley: Yeah. Absolutely. [00:13:00] Well, it takes so much courage to open your heart like that again. You know, I think that's something that, um, is important to note of just the, the courage and bravery and vulnerability it takes to say, this is something that I deeply desire and that we both long for. And um, I'm willing to try like that takes so much courage.
Ashley: And so we just commend both you and your husband for that. And to step back into that same room to have the same tech, we'll also just add another layer of like, Oh, this feels really, really similar to the same place they were in before, you know? So to really honor the courage and strength it took to enter that room again, and really like, okay, you know, we're going to trust that this will be okay.
Carolissa: yeah, that's really what it was being in God's hands.
Ashley: absolutely.
Carolissa: So
Ashley: Beautiful. Okay, so you find out you're pregnant with Elizabeth and you go to the appointment and they say, baby's looking great. So tell us a little bit then about your pregnancy. Was it considered high risk because you had gone into preterm labor before or were they just going to kind of watch you and, you know, quote, like a typical normal pregnancy?
Ashley: What did they kind of walk you through?
Carolissa: it wasn't labeled a high risk pregnancy because. They were on the path that since I delivered her at 36 weeks, they were like, you know, and and I didn't have anything wrong I had a normal [00:14:00] pregnancy. I had no complications aside from having severe morning sickness So they were like, you know, the chances of that happening again are like slim, right?
Carolissa: So I was like, okay sure So with Elizabeth, so we had that first Ultrasound Made it past that. It was great. I had severe morning sickness again, worse than the first time. Like, it was so bad that I needed to go get, um, IV infusions just to stay hydrated two times a week. And so I did that for the first four months and then she was measuring the week ahead of time.
Carolissa: So my OB was like, oh, let's do your anatomy scan at 19 weeks and usually it's done at 20 weeks. But up to this point it was pretty uneventful, besides me, my face being glued to a toilet.
Carolissa: Um, so, so we went to, um, so we went to our anatomy scan. And normally the way it goes, you know, you go to, you have your ultrasound, and then within like 5 10 minutes, The, my OB came in. So we had our ultrasound, um, done. It took a little bit longer than usual, but I was like, you know, we were super happy. We got to see her.
Carolissa: She was kicking and super healthy. We didn't see her. We, um, were waiting for the consultation for my OB to come in and we were so excited. We were talking [00:15:00] that we didn't even notice that 15 minutes had gone by and nobody came in. So I was like, Oh, that's super weird. So I was like, well, let's get them.
Carolissa: Maybe they're back up. We gave her another 10 minutes, nothing. So now I'm like, okay, maybe something's wrong. And my husband's like, no, don't go there. And so I'm like, okay, let's give her like five more minutes. If not, I'm going to, I'm going to go out there and see if I can see her. And like, we're at a 30 minute mark now.
Carolissa: And I'm like, okay, I'm starting to get worried. And then she comes in and she has an ultrasound picture in her hand. And I'm like, okay, this is not good. And she's like, baby's fine. And I'm like, okay. And she's like, okay.
Ashley: Thank God she started with that.
Carolissa: right? She's like, but your cervix is 75 percent funneled and it's short. It's measuring shorter at like 2. 2. And I'm like, okay, English, please. And so she's like, um, basically your body's preparing for labor. And I'm like, okay, but I'm only ninenteen weeks. And she's like, right. So she's like, I, it's been taking me so long because I've been on trying to get ahold of the MFM. And she's like, I don't know what she wants me to do. I talked to her, she wanted me to send her a picture of your ultrasound, so I did that. Um, and I'm waiting for her, but she's been back to back. She's like, I don't want to keep you [00:16:00] waiting. You're officially on bed rest. She's like, just go home, don't go to work, and I'll call you. And I'm like, okay. So like, my husband and I are leaving, and we're like, what just happened?
Carolissa: Like, so what, like, what does this mean, right? Um, and like, how much time do we have? Like, so we left, and She called me and met the MFM and I was like, well, because she's, I was at two points soon. She's scheduled an office visit a couple of, like two days later. So we went to go see her and she did, so I had a male and a female.
Carolissa: And this is important. Um, we actually saw the male MFM first and he was like, You know, um, you imagine it. So when I went in, they did the ultrasound, I was actually measuring 1. 8 and this was like two days later. So I'm already like coming shorter. Um, but I was only still 75 percent funneled. And he explained that that's how the body prepares for labor.
Carolissa: And that if this continues, I would deliver her within the next week or so. But there was there was chances of survival, right? And so we're like, okay, well, what do we do? [00:17:00] And so he laid out all of the options. And we chose a non invasive option together because we, he, it was clear that if we, if anyone would even try to check anything, that it would force labor faster, so we didn't want to irritate anything, so we were just like, okay, um, we decided to stay on bed rest and the progesterone pills, um, further, and then try to make it to 24 weeks
Carolissa: that was the goal. Um, we would do MFM appointments every two weeks with ultrasound and cervical checks and then we would do every other off week we would do an OB visit just to check, just to make sure that blood work and all that stuff was fine. Um, so every week I was seeing someone. So we did that, we made it to 24 weeks and everything was fine.
Carolissa: I was at, I think I was at 1. 7 still at like 24 weeks. So he was like, you know, let's just [00:18:00] keep going and see where we're keep everything as it is. Um, they had ran some blood work and I had some like low lateness, which meant that my blood wasn't clotting as quickly as it should be. Um, but they were like, you know what, we're going to watch that.
Carolissa: Don't worry about it. So we made it 26 weeks came and went. 28 weeks came and went. So at 28, well actually at 28 weeks, they started doing an FFN testing, which tests for preterm labor. Um, at that appointment I was 1. 5 and 1. 5 was the measurement where he was like, all right, we can either put you in the hospital things tend to progress quicker from 1. 5. Um, or we can keep you home. And I was like, okay, well, If my FFM testing comes back negative, I want to stay home. I have a baby at home and I don't, I was already missing out on her life so much because I was on bed rest and I couldn't do anything. She started school and all of this stuff that I got to miss out on.
Carolissa: Um, so we decided to stay home. At 30 weeks, we went back in for the FFM testing and they came back positive. [00:19:00] And 1. 3. So the progesteron pills were working to slow down. the progression, but it certainly wasn't stopping it. Um, so at 30 weeks he was like, you know, I had the girl MFM. And she's like, well, you know, we can, we're definitely gonna give you a steroid shot as a precaution.
Carolissa: She's like, I, she's like, honestly, you could probably still make it for like 36 weeks. And I'm like, okay, because from what I'm seeing on the screen, it doesn't look like it. And she was like, no, no, no. She's like, You know, we see these things often, everybody's different, but it's been slow progression. So she's like, just, if anything, call us.
Carolissa: Okay, so we went home, um, got my steroid shots for her lungs. And at, it was like, maybe a couple of days later, I had some light bleeding. And so I called my OB and I'm like, Hey, and it was very short. [00:20:00] Right. And so I was like, Hey, this is happening. And she was like, all right, well, if you see anything that's like super bright red call us.
Carolissa: Right. So I was like, all right. Um, it wasn't anything like
Carolissa: that. I told my husband, I was like, I don't think we're going to make it to 36 weeks. And he's like, well, you know, let's just see what happens. Like two days later. Um, she, I had it, I had like a lot of bleeding and I was like, okay. My husband had already left for work and I called him.
Carolissa: I was like, you need to turn around and you need to come back. And I was like, I'm going to call my OB because we worked about 30 minutes away. Um, and I'm going to let her know, but either way, we, we, we, I'm going, I'm going in, like, I'm not going to stay home. And so by the time, so by the time we got in, my OB called me back and she was like, Come in.
Carolissa: We, I was, I was like, I'm already on my way. So she was like, um, so she met us there and by the time I had gotten there, I had already stopped. Um, and so she's like, you know, I. [00:21:00] She's like, I want to check you. I know no one's done it, but she's like all of these things. She's like, I need to, I need to see how dilated you are.
Carolissa: If any, um, I was having some small contractions on the, on the monitor. So she checked me and I was already five centimeters dilated. So she was like, okay, I'm gonna, I'm going to admit you for pre planned labor.
Ashley: And this was at how many weeks again? Sorry.
Carolissa: 30. So,
Ashley: Okay.
Carolissa: um, I was like 30 and three ish around there. Um, So she, so my, my, so she's like, I'm going to admit you for preterm labor.
Carolissa: My, the male MFM comes in and he's like, you know, I'm going to check you too. So he checks me and he's like, I honestly don't think that we need to admit her for preterm labor. Like this is just, you know, it'll
Carolissa: probably just go away.
Carolissa: And
Ashley: think at a five. I'm sorry.
Carolissa: no, he got the same exact measurements. I think she was like a zero station.
Carolissa: I don't know what any of that means, but
Carolissa: she was, he was like, yeah. Um, I just think, you know, it'll be, it'll be fine. And so my OB was like, no, we're admitting her for preterm labor. I'm the one that's in charge and this is what we're doing. And I'm like, okay, I'm with her, right? I'm like this is like Not happening.
Carolissa: So they admitted us to preterm labor. She's telling me I'm magnesium and penicillin. She's like, I don't know if there's an infection that's going on that's causing the labor, um, or any of these things. She's like, we're just going to take the precaution. You Um, and the magnesium was supposed to try to stop the labor because I was actually having contractions.
Carolissa: Um, so we were There for two days. She gave me a second set of second set of steroids again Um, and then the goal was to make it 48 hours so that I can get one and then the other she She was in and out of like I was in and out of active labor the whole entire time. And so Um She slowed down the penicillin.
Carolissa: She was only giving it to me every four hours and on the second day She was like, listen, we have done everything we can. I have [00:22:00] one more thing that I am gonna try And this is medication that I can only give you four times every four hours But she's like after that, I can't like if you're still in labor, there's nothing else we can do.
Carolissa: We have to deliver So I'm like, okay, so we did that and On the third day, I had Davis shift change, so we got a new nurse named Natalie, um, my angel.
Ashley: Yeah
Carolissa: so she, um. She came in and she was like, she was very bubbly and I was like, Oh, you know, I'm like, I'm a low maintenance patient. You probably won't even see me for the rest of the night.
Carolissa: I'm like, I don't bother anybody. I'm just here relaxed trying to keep my baby in. So she's like, yeah, I've heard and this is barely ever coming here. And I was like, yeah, you know, um, but she's like, we gave you the last dosage. So she's like, after this, if you go right. And every. Every time after the four hours were up, I was right back into, into labor.
Carolissa: So she's like, this is the last time. She's like, you know, sometimes when we do like the last one, [00:23:00] it like kicks in, right? And I'm like, okay. Cause I was like, I'm a little worried. They haven't been working.
Carolissa: And she's like, yeah, you know, sometimes it just happens that way. And I'm like, okay. Um, so she leaves and then we're heading right around that three hour mark.
Carolissa: And so my, I see the contraction starting to pop up I tell my husband, I'm like, We're not, like, we're going to have to have it,
Carolissa: right? Like, this is not it's not stopping. And so she, like, around the four hour mark, my constructions are coming back regularly. Like, they're back to back, back to back. So she pops her head in, she's like, I'm watching you.
Aisha: mm-Hmm.
Carolissa: She's like, I'm watching it. She's like, I have you right here. Um, she's like, let's just see what happens. Um, she's like, you're not an active laborer, but she's like, you're coming closer together. So I'm like, okay, you know, still like riding the train. So she's like, I told her husband, I was talking, watching the TV show.
Carolissa: And then I [00:24:00] just felt my water break. Oh my God, my water broke. And he's like, are you sure? And I'm like, yeah. And I grabbed the thing and I called for her. And so the lady's like, I'm like, my water broke. Um, can you please tell Natalie to come into the room? So not even like seconds later, I like. I don't know what possessed me to like remove my blanket and I was sitting in a pool of blood and I'm like, I literally looked at my husband and I'm like, it's not water.
Carolissa: And he's like, what? I'm like, no, I'm like sitting in a pool of blood. And he looks over and he's like, oh my God, this is all within seconds. Natalie walks in and I, we're like staring at her. She's like, I see that. Did your water break? She's like, I saw this huge contraption. I was already on my way. And we're like staring at
Carolissa: her. And she's like, what? And I'm like, I'm sitting in a pool of blood. And she walks over and she's like, okay, it's fine. She's like, I'm going to change you. And she changes me and starts typing away on the computer. And I'm like, okay. And she's like, okay. Um, she's like, don't worry about it. Right. She's like, sometimes bleeding happens with when your water breaks.
Carolissa: It's fine. [00:25:00] It didn't happen the first time around. So completely new to me. I'm like, okay. She's like, um, another nurse comes in and I'm sitting in the same pool of blood again. And I'm like, okay, this is like a lot. So she's like, okay, I think you might have had a placenta eruption.
Carolissa: Um, so she's like, usually there's a lot of blood with that.
Carolissa: I, I'm going to call the OB. I'm going to let her know. Tiffany was the other nurse. She's like, she's going to change you. So she changes me. She changes all the sheets again. And within seconds I'm in the same like pool. And I'm just like, okay, I, I don't know about this. And so Natalie turns around, they just looked at each other.
Carolissa: And then Tiffany walks out and Natalie changes the sheet again and I'm like, okay, same thing, but then second, another pool and I'm like, Natalie, and she's like, okay, I don't think it's a placenta abruption. She's like, you're bleeding, you should have stopped by now. Okay, so what's happening? She's like, I don't know what's [00:26:00] happening.
Carolissa: She's like, I called the OB, she was already in an active labor, so. She's like, she's going to come as quickly as she can. She's like, for now, we're going to just already call for the OR. And I'm like, you did? When?
Carolissa: Yes. I'm like, I was like, when did you even do that? So she was like, we're, she's like, we're taking care of it.
Carolissa: And I'm like, okay. So she, Tiffany comes back. And she's like, um, she looks down at me and I'm sitting in this pool of blood again. She's like, okay, I'm going to just change you. And then she looks at Natalie. She's like, do you want me to call the blood bank? And she was like, yeah. And then she tells her what my blood type is.
Carolissa: And I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm getting goosebumps.
Ashley: Yeah. Yeah.
Carolissa: And I'm just like, okay. And so she's like, um, she's like, don't worry. And I'm like, okay. And she's like, I'm just, we're just going to change you. She's like, I'm right here. And I'm like, alright. And so, within seconds, our room filled with nurses. They're like, my, one of them just took my husband and started scouting him for [00:27:00] like the OR stuff.
Carolissa: And he's in like this corner of the room in the back. And like, they're putting in IVs, they're starting fluids. And then I see this, these nurses bring in like, the steroid, like steroid equipment for like C sections. And And I'm like, um, wait a minute. I was like, what, what is, what was happening? And I'm like, what is she doing?
Carolissa: And she's like, um, she's like, they're just prepping for an emergency C section. I'm like, here? And she's like, yeah. And I'm like, you guys do that here? And she's like, yeah. And I'm like, okay. Like Natalie, I feel like I should be worried right now this whole time She's been talking to me so calmly that I'm like, maybe I shouldn't be worried, right?
Ashley: right. Oh,
Carolissa: So she's like I'm like I feel like I should be really worried and she just takes my hand and she's like do I look Worried to you and I'm like no and so she's like then you don't have nothing to worry about She's like as long as I am it's like when you see me panic And she's like, I'm not panicked.
Carolissa: I'm calm. And I'm like, yes. And she's like, then you stay calm. She's like, I am going to be right by your side. I'm not going to leave you. And I'm like, okay. So I'm like, and even though I know that's exactly what she's trained to tell me, I believed her. I was like, okay,
Carolissa: like, she's not stressed. I'm not stressed.
Carolissa: I'm like, where's my husband? And he's like in this far back corner. And he's just like, he just smiled at me and he can't even come to me because we're, there's, the room is just packed with nurses and everybody has a job and everybody's [00:28:00] moving. No one's saying anything.
Carolissa: Um, so she called my OB again and she's like, all right, we're, I guess she was finishing up the labor that she was in.
Carolissa: And she's like, I heard Natalie say we're running out of time. And I'm like, okay. So she was like, just, and my OB was like, check her. She's like, check her, see how dilated she is. So she checked me and I was at a seven.
Carolissa: Um, and she is on, like, my OB is on the phone and she's like yelling, like talking to her through it, like somebody else is holding the phone for her.
Carolissa: And she's like, she's at a seven. My contractions were, were every, like, I don't even know. They were like back to back to back. And so she's like, I'm going to, she's like, I'm going to be right there. So she hangs up and my OB literally not even two minutes later walked in. Checks me again, and I was already nine centimeters dilated.
Carolissa: So she was like, okay, this is moving fast So she's like the OR, the OR wasn't ready at the time So they're like talking trying to decide what she's like, what do you want to do? Like, do you want to do it here? Do you want to wait for the OR?
Carolissa: And then someone's like, no, no, Natalie and the
Ashley: Oh. I was like, wait. Okay.
Carolissa: talking to me.
Carolissa: I'm just listening to everybody trying to figure out what's happening. Yeah, nobody's talking to me. Natalie and my OB are talking to each other. And she's like, they're trying to decide what to do. And I'm just like, Why, [00:29:00] what is happening right now? Like, how is this, it's like a movie. I'm like, this is not, how is this even real?
Carolissa: And so, I'm still looking for my husband who's still in the corner, just like, Literally back against the corner, just like smiling. He's like, everything is good. And I'm like, okay. Um, and someone was like, oh, the, the, OR is ready because she Natalie's like the, OR is the best place for us to be for Elizabeth.
Carolissa: That's where the NICU team is going to be. Like, I'm gonna to have a room by next door. Um, but she's like, we're, we have to do what's best for the both of you? And I'm like, okay. So right as my OB is like deciding like what to do, mind you, this is all in a matter of like two minutes
Carolissa: happening. She's like, um, she's like, okay. I just remember her going, okay. And then all of the monitors started to go off. And so Elizabeth went into distress. I started shaking and like my blood pressure like skyrocketed and my heart rate skyrocketed. And all I remember her yelling was go. And like, we were out of the door. And so. We were rushing out of the doors, and you know in the movies where you see like, the lights just like running through the hallways, where like, that's literally all I saw, and I was like, I was shaking, I couldn't control anything, I didn't know what was happening, and I was like, oh my gosh, I'm going, I'm going to die, [00:30:00] like, I'm going to die, like, I was like, I cannot believe this, and so, like, how did we get here, how does this happen, um, I And I'm like, okay, what, what can you control?
Carolissa: And I was like, okay, I can control my breathing. Um, focus on the lights that are just.
Ashley: wait. You talked yourself down in this moment
Carolissa: Yes.
Ashley: Okay.
Carolissa: Literally, I'm like talking to myself.
Ashley: Okay. How
Ashley: you did that?
Aisha: I have to say, I'm listening to your story and I am just the whole entire time thinking, Caralissa, you have shown, just like from the very beginning, just this like, I want to say like just this like stability, like I just feel like you, like, As you're sharing, it's just so evident to me that you have this, this instinctual
Aisha: response the entire time that has kind of guided you throughout this, even when you don't even know what's going on, when things are happening so fast, when you're going from opinion to opinion, [00:31:00] Through it all, I've just recognized that you have had this instinctual, like, just almost like, just this motherly instinct, so present the entire time.
Aisha: And even in this moment that you can talk yourself down and, and like, return to yourself. And that's just, it is. Remarkable. And just wanted to say like, wow, I'm just so blown away by, by that. And it's just, it's, it's truly incredible. Um, yeah. Wow.
Carolissa: Thank you.
Ashley: Ditto
Carolissa: I, I, yeah, yeah, I, it was thank you.
Aisha: Truly. Really?
Carolissa: you for saying that. Like, I was just like, yeah, you know, something. It's good to hear that.
Aisha: Absolutely.
Ashley: girl. It's like You fought for Elizabeth the moment you found out you were pregnant with her.
Ashley: Like
Ashley: literally you, the way that you were able to channel yourself and just like ride the waves that came your way is how you fought for her. Like it's truly in that moment, like you were like, I'm still fighting for you, girl.
Ashley: Like we're going in this together. Like the way that you were able to talk yourself, I'm just like in awe of that.
Aisha: And also like to like commend your husband too [00:32:00] who seems like has was such a support for you through the entire thing as well. Always just kind of right behind you saying you know whatever you say mama I'm gonna just support you and if this is what you're thinking yeah you know like trying to be the positive right but also just like I'm literally here to just like support you and you take, you take the lead here. And so it's, it's very beautiful to, to hear that. Yes.
Carolissa: I actually asked him later, like, you know, after I was like, Were you like freaking out? Because you were like smiling at me. And he was like, Oh, I was a hundred percent freaking out. He's like, I had no idea what was happening, but I knew that if you saw me smile, you would be like, okay, right? This is okay.
Carolissa: This
Ashley: So sweet. I just, like, want a picture of him in his gown, like, in the corner. Just like,
Carolissa: fine.
Ashley: yeah, you look beautiful, babe. You're doing great. Blood? Not a big deal. Your blood looks great.
Carolissa: Yes.
Ashley: of 10 blood.
Aisha: Oh my goodness.
Carolissa: Oh my goodness. Oh,
Aisha: wow. So you, so you get to going back to the story. So you get to like,
Aisha: you're controlling your breath. You're saying, okay, like this is what I can do right now. And then
Carolissa: Yeah. So I was staring at the lights flying by me and I was like, okay, I can, I can control my breathing. I can do that. So I was like, so I was like, breathe in, breathe out. And then I was like, I'm like, what else can I do? And then I was like, well, I can pray. Right. And so I did that. I was like, I can pray.
Carolissa: And I just remember just [00:33:00] being like, You know, Elizabeth, I, not, Elizabeth, ugh, well yeah, I was like, you know, Elizabeth. needs me, right? Like, I was like, Elizabeth needs me. Sophia needs me. She can't, she's only, at the time she was only three. I'm like, she's three. Like, she can't be without a mom. Um, and then I was like, I, it's just my parents and I, you know, like, and my brother.
Carolissa: I was like, I don't want them to be alone. I want my husband to be alone. I was like, he shouldn't be a girl dad by himself. And like, you wouldn't even survive this, right? Like, and it was just so crazy. Like, and, and all of this is happening like within like minutes, right? Like,
Carolissa: and so I was like, please, please just don't, like, I'm not ready.
Carolissa: I'm not ready. I want to meet Elizabeth. I want to, I want to have my family together. Um, and so we get into the OR and everyone's like, they're anesthesiologists and the OR team is there [00:34:00] waiting for us and the NICU team is there. Um, they transfer me over to the OR bed, the table, and then they're, um, everybody's like, they're fixing everything.
Carolissa: Their monitors are still going off like crazy. I'm still shaking like crazy. Um, and I remember, I guess like Elizabeth's heart rate was like starting to kind of like stabilize. And so the anesthesiologist made a comment about that. He's like, Oh, baby's heart rate is like, you know, starting to stabilize.
Carolissa: But I was still like super like heart, like high blood pressure and everything. And my OB was like, okay, well, what about mom? And he's like, I just remember her snapping and being like, well, what about mom? And she was like, well, yeah, but, but like babies and she's like, okay, well, I care for both mom and baby.
Carolissa: It's not just about the baby.
Ashley: okay. Can we give her an award or
Ashley: something? I love this homie. Right.
Carolissa: yes. I was like, okay, she's not going to let me die. I was like, okay, great.
Ashley: Yeah. Yeah. Thank you.
Carolissa: Yeah, and I'm like, okay, I'm like and her saying that just was like so affirming to me like, okay She's gonna take care of me, right? Like she's not just going to like save Elizabeth. I'm like not not save me
Ashley: [00:35:00] yeah,
Carolissa: But so she so they're all connecting and right before they are supposed to set a C section She has to say this phrase.
Carolissa: So she's starting to say it and then everything just stops The monitor stopped beeping, I stopped shaking, the labor stopped, I stopped bleeding, like, and she literally has her hands up. She's like, what is happening? And they're like, everybody's like staring at the monitor, so like, everything's, everything's fine.
Carolissa: Like, she's like, her heart rate's fine, her, like, she's starting to stabilize, baby's fine. Um, so she's like, okay, well, let's hold off. She's like, I don't want to do the C section if we don't have to. And so everybody's like, kind of like staring at each other in shock. Because they're like, you know, what is like what's happening?
Carolissa: Like, is this a fluke? Is it really happening? Is it really stopping?
Carolissa: And so like after like 10 minutes, it was like, okay, it really is really stopped So she was like, how do you feel? And I was like, well, I am extremely cold and she's like, okay Well, you lost a lot of blood so they they have this thing called a bear hug Which is this huge like literally it's like two bear arms that cover you And like warm you up.
Carolissa: [00:36:00] Um, so they did that. She's like, we're going to warm you up. Um, and then she's like, do you feel fine other than that? And I'm like, yeah, I'm not in pain. I'm not in anything. Like I feel fine. Um, and so she's like, okay, I think we're just going to wait and see what happens. We're not going to do anything. And I kid you not for the next three hours, nothing happens.
Carolissa: Nothing happened. She's like, she was happy. Elizabeth was happy as can be, swimming around, not even like minding her own business. We had time to like get to know the nurses. My OB was like, I kid you not. I've only had, I've been practicing for 30 years. I have only seen this once before and I couldn't explain it then.
Carolissa: And I can't
Carolissa: explain it now. She was like, I cannot tell you what, what's happening. She was like, I didn't think we were going to make it. I made a choice. To come into the O. R. because This was the best place to save your life, but she's like, I did not think I didn't know if we were gonna make it Or you were gonna make it here And I was like, okay.
Carolissa: Well, we're here Um, and we're [00:37:00] alive And so she's like, yeah, she's like, okay, so Natalie did not leave my side. She is still She has not She was by my right side the entire time. We had to beg her to go use the bathroom. I'm like, it's fine. Nothing is going to happen in the five minutes that you're going.
Carolissa: She's like, are you sure? And I'm like, yes. Go use the bathroom. Go eat. Nothing, we will call you. I'm like, nothing is going to happen. You can step out. And she was so amazing. Like I, true, my true angel. Um, and she, so she did end up taking a break and she came back and nothing happened still. So my OB's like after three hour mark, she's like, okay, uh, this is going to sound crazy, but we're going to have to induce labor.
Ashley: Oh my
Carolissa: She's like, just three hours ago, she's like, Oh, we were doing everything to stop it. And now I cannot believe that I'm telling you we're going to have forensic labor. She's like, she's not going to be able to be in there much longer without, with the amount of fluid that she has left. So I'm like, okay. So she, we started the, medication to induce the labor and she like within everyone had left by the way.
Carolissa: I mean, we were there for three hours. The OR team left, the NICU team left. They were just like, call us whenever
Ashley: Oh my
Carolissa: you guys are back. Yeah. And so she, um, we, she, so we started, she induced me. Um, labor started back up within like 15 minutes and the NICU team came back down. Everybody came back in. And she's like, let's try to do it naturally.
Carolissa: I mean, we tried all the positions and everything. Um, so I delivered her naturally and she was pink. She's like, and I didn't even like, Want to look because I was like I was so petrified that she would like not be breathing or like that. She would be blue And my OB because we had so much time. I had we had told her about our experience with [00:38:00] Sophia And so I didn't look I was just staring at the ceiling and she was like look at her She's like look at her.
Carolissa: She's pink
Carolissa: And I was like, is she? She was like, yeah. She was like holding her up and I'm like, she is pink. And then she cried and I was like, oh my goodness, she's crying.
Ashley: I'm so.
Aisha: yes.
Carolissa: yes. Um, and so I was like, oh my gosh, she's like, yeah. She's like, she has 10 toes. She has 10 fingers. Um, and so she's like, I'm going to check with her sometimes.
Carolissa: I want to make sure, I want to see if it, like, if there's any tears or if that was the cause of. of all of the bleeding. And so the NICU team took Elizabeth and I'm like, telling my husband, go, I'm like, go leave me. He's like, okay. Um, so he like, he goes into the NICU with her. Um, and I, and so she checked my placenta.
Carolissa: She's like, it's fine. And there's nothing wrong with it. And so she's like, I'm going to send it for testing. Maybe there's an infection, but she's like, it's perfectly fine. There's nothing that I can see that it would cause any of the stuff that just happened. And I'm like, okay, um, so I had read that I wouldn't be able to see Elizabeth, right?
Carolissa: Because I was like, all right, I'm not gonna be able to see her or hold her or anything like that. Um, but I guess the NICU team, they had told her like all the stuff that happened. So she didn't need any respiratory help. So they brought her over and she was like, do you want to hold her? And I'm like, I can hold her.
Carolissa: And she was like, yeah, but only for a minute. And I'm like, okay. So like she puts her on my chest and I'm like, Oh my gosh, I get to hold
Carolissa: you. And this is my, and like the whole time I'm like, we did it. Right. Like we, we did it. And she's, and [00:39:00] I'm like, you're here and you're pink. And I, and I remember just being like.
Carolissa: I need you to just fight, right? It's your turn, right? And I was like, I'm like,
Carolissa: we, we can do this. Okay, um, and then the timer goes off and I'm like, oh my gosh, it was retimed.
Ashley: Yeah.
Carolissa: She's like, yeah, I can only do a minute. I'm so sorry. And I'm like, no, it's okay. And then she laughed and I'm like, and my husband's like, she was like, we need dad to come with. And I'm like, yeah, that's fine. So I had to go back to recovery. I lost so much blood. So they're like, we need, we need to observe you for the next couple of hours.
Carolissa: To make sure that, you know, everything is okay. And I'm like, okay. So they roll me back into my, into the recovery room and Natalie's still here.
Ashley: We love
Ashley: Natalie. No
Carolissa: she said you did a great job. She said you did a movie and I'm like, thank you. And she's um, so I had told her that I love to show friends and it was just so ironic that when we got back into the room it was playing and she was like and it was an episode when like Rachel has her baby and she's like, oh my
Carolissa: gosh, look at this.
Ashley: you
Carolissa: like, oh my gosh, she's like, what are the odds? I'm like, I don't know. I'm like, she's like, this is meant for you. And I'm like, okay, this is like my happy place. I'm just going to sit here and like watch it. And I was like texting my husband. I'm like, Natalie, get my phone. I need to text my husband. I want pictures and I want to know like what's going on.
Carolissa: And so I had like texted him and said can you picture it, tell me what's going on and he's like, they're just doing testing.
Carolissa: So I stayed there for a couple hours and then we went, then I got sent to my actual room and then she went, my husband came like hours later and met me in the room and I couldn't go anywhere because I couldn't walk and I couldn't do anything. So the nurse was like, you really need to rest. And I was like, okay, I don't, I don't like that.
Carolissa: I just want to see my baby. Yeah. She's like, well, you can call. Um, and I told my husband like FaceTime me, FaceTime me so that I can see. And he was like, I can't because I guess they were still like doing, I'm like, it's been hours. What do you mean? They're still like doing testing and all of this stuff. Um, and so he came up, like, I think it was up there already, like maybe two hours and then he came back up.
Carolissa: And he's like, I'm exhausted. And he's like, I'm going to sleep. And I'm like, okay. And then I was only just staring at him. I can't sleep. Like, I want to go see her. [00:40:00] Um, so I like told the nurse, I was like, how long do I have to wait? And she's like, you know what? If you can get out of the bed by yourself without any assistant and you can walk through the bathroom and come back, then you can go.
Carolissa: And I'm like, okay, fine. So that was my whole thing. I was like, bet. Right. So I started doing that until I could. Like walk by myself and it was fine. And so she's like, I can, I can wheel you down there. And I'm like, no, I want to go by myself. Like, I don't, I want to, I don't want, I want to be by myself when I see her.
Carolissa: And she's like, okay. So she's like, I'm telling you though, if anything happens, you're not going to be able to see her for a longer period of time. And I'm like, okay, so I literally like a crazy person. I had like a hospital gown on and I put another one to cover my back. And then I walked to the NICU cause there was no different floor.
Aisha: Oh my goodness.
Carolissa: And so I remember walking through and I'm like, all of these, I had to wear a mask too, so I was like, even worse, like I was looking like a crazy
Carolissa: person.
Carolissa: Um, so I got to her room and her nurse was like staring at me. I'm like, I'm, I'm [00:41:00] mom. Hi.
Ashley: Hello?
Carolissa: And then I was like, I want, can I go in? And she's like, Yeah, and that is so crazy.
Carolissa: Like just the fact that you have to ask permission to do anything, you know And it's like it's your baby and you have to ask permission so you'll walk into the room
Ashley: Yep.
Carolissa: And she's like, yeah, you can go ahead So I remember just seeing her and like the incubator and like, hey, you're still
Carolissa: alive, right? And I was like, hi baby.
Carolissa: She's like After like, I was in there for five minutes, she comes in and she's like, do you want to hold her? And I was like, I can't hold her again. And she's like, yeah, you know, kangaroo care is really good, um, like for the babies. And she's like, and it'd be best probably if you're sitting. And I'm like, did my nurse call you?
Ashley: Mm-Hmm.
Carolissa: And she's like, um, so she, so I got to do that. Um, and she walked, kind of walked me through like the NICU again. She was like, you know, the first day they had so much adrenaline. So she's like, don't be. [00:42:00] Freaked out if tomorrow you see her and she and it's different and I'm like, okay. Yeah, you know Didn't even think anything of it.
Carolissa: Um, I spent some time with her. I went back upstairs and I was like, okay, I was exhausted I was like I Need to rest but it was like, oh, I felt like I could do that now because I got to see her in her room and so I did that the next day when we came to see her She was like completely different like she was covered with all of these lights You We could we weren't a lot of touch her as she the same nurse was there and she's like yeah overnight We ran some tests and she was she had jaundice like really bad She picked her she's not responding as well So they have like all the lights on her and all this stuff and she's like from what I told you the NICU is a rollercoaster, so like, all the adrenaline is starting to wear off So she's really starting to feel all of the the pain All the things that are [00:43:00] happening. Her lungs are really underdeveloped. Everything is. She's like, it's just going to take some time. And I remember just listening to her and I'm like, okay, I don't like this. And then I felt like all of my like positive thinking was like going out of the door. Um, because then at that point I was like, this is too much, right?
Carolissa: Um, and I, and it was almost like unfair in a way.
Carolissa: Um, Because it's like we, we fought so hard to bring you here and it's like we're, we're finally here And then it's like this has to be it. There has to be a positive ending, right? And that was really hard seeing her like that But yeah, that was my birth story Yeah
Aisha: Yeah. Oh.
Aisha: you have, yeah, I have, I felt like I was [00:44:00] on the edge of my seat the entire time, what, what a story and just what you were saying at the end of just, you know, you feel like you're at, you did it, you're at the top of the mountain, you've made it, and then it's almost like. Like, yeah, just like feeling like it can't be now, how are we back to not doing well and, and that like whiplash, right, of like, how can I be up here? And all of a sudden I'm way down and reality sinks in and, and, you know, I, I feel like sometimes we have, as moms, just hope that it's going to be different, right?
Aisha: Like we're, our story, we know the stats, but our story is going to be different. And our, you know, we're, we're not going to need to worry about all that stuff that they warn us about because it's different. You know, I know my girl, I know myself and we're fighters and we're not going to have to, to worry about that.
Aisha: And then, you know, when that doesn't happen, it can feel like. Almost like a failure. Like, wait, what? Like, no, that's not how it was supposed to be. You know, again, that like whole, like you have this image in your heart and your mind of how you want things to be. And then when they don't happen that way, like, [00:45:00] yeah, it's just, it's heartbreaking. And,
Aisha: uh,
Carolissa: is super heartbreaking.
Aisha: uh, I,
Carolissa: me the
Aisha: it's just, um, thank you so much for sharing all of that.
Ashley: Yeah. Yeah. Mm hmm.
Carolissa: that. Um, it's very healing in a way.
Carolissa: Um,
Aisha: Mhm.
Carolissa: be able to share your story. I'm like, to share your story, my story.
Ashley: Right. Yeah.
Carolissa: Um, but yeah, it was, seeing her like that was super heartbreaking.
Carolissa: Also because it's out of my control, right?
Carolissa: There's
Carolissa: nothing that I can do to fix it.
Carolissa: Um, and that's also heartbreaking because it's like, well, what can I do?
Ashley: Nothing. Yeah.
Carolissa: do anything. Um, and I'm like, okay, how did we just go from beautiful things to crying and I can see you and I can hold you to like this. Like, how did, how, how did we get
Aisha: Mhm.
Ashley: Yeah.
Carolissa: Um, it
Ashley: Yeah.
Carolissa: hard.
Aisha: Yeah.
Ashley: It
Ashley: is. Well, and I think that is Oh, sorry. Is my connection okay? Okay. I'm getting a little delay from Aisha, so I just wanted to make sure. Um, [00:46:00] I think as NICU parents too, when we see them in the NICU for the first time, and they have maybe like one of their quote like setback days or setback moments, it's the first time, like you said, Carolissa, like you realize that there's nothing we can do.
Ashley: They're no longer like in our body anymore. They're no, like, I feel like when you're pregnant and you get. like a diagnosis or like a, okay, we need to like, hold on for a little bit longer. You muster up all your might. And you're like, okay, I can do this. Like I can, you know, talk myself through it. And then all of a sudden, like it's there apart from your body now.
Ashley: And you're like, wait, I can't protect you in the way that I could, you know, yesterday or the day before. And it's like, you said, you just kind of have to, to watch and be present. And All you can do in that lack of control is terrifying. And you would give anything to switch places.
Ashley: Like you would do anything to be like, wait, can I, can I be under the lights?
Ashley: Can I be in there? Can I have all the tests and they be where I am? Like, how do I switch
Ashley: spots so that
Ashley: they don't have to, you know, it's just, it's. It's really, really difficult to see them and then not be able to have the answers to fix it. It's, yeah.
Carolissa: Yeah. And on top of that, the guilt that, yeah. You couldn't protect them longer or,
Ashley: Yeah.
Carolissa: you know, as long as, you know, society [00:47:00] tells you you're supposed to do so Yeah, that's just that's also hard. I mean for me it was a double whammy because I
Carolissa: wasn't able to do it for Sophia So it's like okay. Well, I failed twice, right?
Carolissa: Um, and that's like super hard. I'm like, okay, well, I remember like, I would literally just walk back and forth from her, isolate and I would be like, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so
Carolissa: sorry. And then it's just like, and I did that for such a long time. And I was just like, you know, I had a nurse. I think she just heard me one day
Carolissa: and she just came in and she was like, you know, the way you're feeling right now.
Carolissa: And I was like, yeah. And she's like, it's not your fault. She's like, it's not your fault. Because you would give anything to do it all and she's like you would do it again, and you would protect them the exact same way She's like you can't change what happens, but and she's like and no one's gonna understand how you feel right now And that's okay.
Carolissa: She's like don't stay there Don't stay in this negative mind [00:48:00] space because then you won't be able to help her and you know She's like this is temporary She, she, everything is up and down. She's like, she may recover and something else may happen. Um, and she's like, you always have to remember to Stay positive. Try to look for the good things in the NICU.
Carolissa: And I remember just staring at her and I'm like, good things? You're crazy.
Aisha: Mhm. Shit Shit shit what is good about this? Yeah.
Carolissa: Um, but I am so grateful for her because I, I actually saw her a lot in the beginning. Um, and she was, she would always be like, remember, remember what I told you?
Carolissa: And I was like, yeah, I remember. Um, and she was very helpful. Like those words were very helpful for me. Um,
Ashley: Yeah,
Aisha: Yeah, well, it seems like you were always surrounded, you know, with these, like, angels really, you know, like these women and nurses and, and providers that really, like, went above and beyond to really support you in, in the best way that they could, and whether or not you were receptive, like, it really does feels like you just were always surrounded by these, um, just beautiful people.
Aisha: Beautiful beings who wanted to, to, to take care of you and remind you of these things that were important to remember, um, as
Aisha: you navigated that, that is, and that is incredible. Oh, um, well, I think we might have to do two for sure. We're going to have to do two, two parts because we haven't even gone into the NICU yet and already
Carolissa: I know.
Aisha: like so much to unpack.
Aisha: Um, Ashley. So I don't know. Um, hi. Uh, uh, kind of,
Ashley: well, let's, I'm sorry. Oh, look at this hair
Ashley: we have here. Um, let's, I just, um, let's really quick just do the outro, and then we can stop the recording, and I'll download those, and we'll see how we feel about, um, part two. Because we can either, we Record it tonight, or, um, we can do another night too, or another daytime if, if you, like, need a break, Curliss.
Ashley: I understand if you do, because that's a lot to just, like, oh, we're just going to keep, like, diving in. So, whatever you feel up for. Um, okay. So, yes. I'll really quick do the outro, and then we can pop off. Um, well. I want to give you a hug. I wish I could go across the screen and bear hug you with Aisha. I wish we could be the bear
Ashley: hug arms in the delivery room too. Just like that kept you warm. I wish we could be
Ashley: bear hug arms. Um, but wow, I, I think Aisha said it best when she just talked about that instinctual mother inside of you, [00:49:00] and it was evident through the moment that you were pregnant with both of your girls, and, um, it's just hearing the ways that you, you fought and persevered it.
Ashley: And stayed calm throughout just a very wavy experience of just like many ups, many downs. Um, oh wait, we're going to wait three hours now when five seconds ago we were maybe going to be like delivering via an emergency c section, um, to the way that you walked to the NICU and were like, nope, I'm doing this.
Ashley: I mean, all of it is truly remarkable. Um, And also I wish we could hug Natalie. I'm, I freaking love Natalie and Nurse
Ashley: Natalie. So, truly. And then your OB who was like, what about
Ashley: mom? Okay. So we got to give some awards to some of those people.
Carolissa: Yes.
Ashley: Um, but no, thank you so much for sharing your story. It's not every day that we relive it. out loud. And we, you know, it's like, as we talk about it, you, you remember different aspects of like, Oh yeah, I remember this. I remember how it felt. I remember what was going, even just like, sometimes talking about the way that our body was shaking. It's like, you can start to feel residual of like, Oh yeah, like that happened to us. And so thank you for diving back into those beautiful and [00:50:00] also really scary moments of your story. And I know I've already read something on this podcast today, and I'm so sorry, but I want to read one more thing because As we kind of ended, um, you mentioned about that failure that so many of us feel, um, for preemie mamas, it's oftentimes that we weren't able to be that safe place that we longed for for longer, right?
Ashley: The goal of full term just wasn't possible for us. And for full term moms, it's that reality that after they're born, We can't always protect them in the way that we desired to and that we wanted to. And so we have a post that we share frequently because we all need the reminder often, even four or five, six years out of our experience. But it's all about changing that narrative from my body failed to my body survived. And so I'll just read a really quick little gentle reminder before, as we close out the episode, but it goes like this. We say. We talk often about the unique [00:51:00] relationship many NICU mamas have with their postpartum bodies. For preemie NICU mamas, it can look a lot like a relationship mixed with gratitude that it was their baby's first home and grief that it couldn't carry their baby full term. For full term NICU mamas, it can look like a relationship mixed with gratitude that their baby was able to carry them full term, their body was able to carry them full term, but grief that it wasn't enough to sustain them immediately after birth. So sweet mama, tonight we want to remind you that your body did absolutely everything it could to not only protect your baby, but also to protect you. You are a survivor. Often times in an emergency delivery, the delivery not only saves the baby, but it also saves the mother. And when we take a step back, we can see that your body was using All of its resources to try and protect the both of you, both during and after birth. We know it's so hard to believe it now, but your body is not against you. As you heal and as you [00:52:00] grow, just remember that you are never alone. Your body did not fail. So mamas, Let this be a reminder to all of you listening today that have felt that, that feeling of, if only I could have done more. We want you to know that your body did enough. Your body did the most. Your body did not fail. So we will be back next week with Carolissa's Remarkable Part 2. We have a NICU journey to talk about and life at home. There's so much more to cover. So Carolissa, thank you again for sharing Part 1 and we'll be back next week with Part 2. Yay!
Ashley & Aisha: Thank you so much for listening to the Dear NICU Mama podcast. If you loved this episode, we'd be so grateful for a review. For more ways to connect with the Dear NICU Mama Sisterhood, check out the links in the episode description.
