S8 Ep4 Transcription
Season 8 Episode 4 "Navigating Birthdays + Mamas Call In!
•• Please note that this is a computer generated transcript and there are potential errors. For this recording, there was an error with the recording software so unfortunately the voices are not labeled in the transcription.
Ashley & Aisha: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Dear NICU mama podcast. This podcast is a safe place to connect with other NICU moms by listening to interviews with trauma informed medical and maternal mental health experts, remarkable stories from the NICU and intentional round table conversations. Our hope is that you feel like you're sitting across the table from another NICU sister and feel seen and validated in your experience.
Ashley & Aisha: No matter where you are on your healing journey, this podcast is here to remind you that you are not alone. Welcome to the sisterhood.
Ashley: Hello, beautiful mamas, and happy Wednesday. It's
Ashley: Ashley and Aisha, and we're so excited to be here with you this morning. How are you doing, Aisha?
Aisha: Hello! I'm doing good! I'm doing
Aisha: awesome! This is a fun week for me and it's very fitting with our, um, episode.
Aisha: So
Ashley: Aisha,
Ashley: tell us what's happening this week.
Aisha: my little 26 weeker is turning [00:01:00] four on Thursday
Aisha: and we are having a princess birthday
Aisha: and I am a crazy
Aisha: craft lady around her birthday and I have just been crafting and making all of like the decorations and all of the goodie bag thingies and so it's been really fun. I get into the zone and it's just like super fun for me.
Ashley: It's so fun. You
Ashley: really are like throwing the princess party of the century. I feel like you could sell your party decorations on Etsy because they're so good. And then your sisters are so crafty. So you guys are doing these like watercolor princess silhouettes and I'm like what
Ashley: in the world? Forget Party City, just hire Aisha.
Aisha: It's, it's
Aisha: pretty crazy.
Ashley: They're so good.
Aisha: It's hardcore over here
Aisha: right now with
Ashley: I love it.
Aisha: uh, I'm, I'm enjoying it and you don't
Aisha: even know
Aisha: half of it.
Aisha: We're making a life size
Aisha: castle out of Home Depot [00:02:00] moving boxes.
Ashley: Yes!
Aisha: I'll let you know
Aisha: how
Aisha: that goes.
Ashley: Oh my gosh,
Ashley: I love
Ashley: it. Oh, that's So sweet.
Aisha: So we're really happy. We're really excited. How are you doing?
Ashley: we're We're good. We're in the middle of like a big home project so our kitchen is kind of like out of order for the time being but it's honestly been going really smoothly. I'm really excited. So our house had classic 90s cream
Ashley: carpet and when you have a black shedding dog and kids that cream carpet was gray with like these nasty
Ashley: stains and it was just so embarrassing to like have people over and be like I'm so sorry that our carpet is so disgusting like and the worst part was that the stains weren't like food it was like dog vomit that I couldn't get out of the car I'm sorry that's really disgusting but that's [00:03:00] just like the worst condition of our carpet like I even used my Bissell like carpet cleaner and I Soak it up with the dog carpet wash and it just
Ashley: wasn't going to budge.
Ashley: So we have now, we have vinyl
Ashley: floors now and I feel like a new person. Like I literally
Ashley: sweeped up food off the floor and I was like, whoa, I feel like this is revolutionary.
Aisha: going to change
Aisha: your life. Your cleaning style.
Ashley: my stress. of keeping that carpet
Ashley: clean is It's no longer. I'm so happy about it. So it's been a
Ashley: wild week I
Ashley: feel like I'm just catching up from not we don't have an oven yet or a
Ashley: sink And
Ashley: so we're just kind of in the
Ashley: middle of it,
Ashley: but
Ashley: it's been it's been
Aisha: Well, and it looks beautiful from what I have seen. Oh my goodness. and I was there.
Aisha: I've seen your carpet
Ashley: You
Aisha: in real life
Ashley: Yeah. It's not, it wasn't
Ashley: cute.
Aisha: wasn't so, bad, but
Aisha: I
Ashley: it was bad. The worst part was like, towards the end, one
Ashley: time [00:04:00] my grandma spilled coffee on it, and I didn't even have her clean it up. I was like, Grandma, it's not even worth your time. I was like, we'll dab it with a washcloth, and it's gonna be gone in a couple
Ashley: weeks anyway, so don't even clean it up. So by the end, it was looking real fresh. I felt like those TikTok videos that are like, extreme cleaning, you know? And I was like This is my house now, like my carpet looks like I need extreme cleaning done. So all that to say, it
Ashley: makes me really happy to have, to have laminate vinyl flooring.
Aisha: That's amazing.
Ashley: but this week is such a special week. We're doing another Mama's Call In.
Ashley: This will be kind of a new tradition of the Dear NICU mama podcast, and it has been so fun. To see all of your submissions come through both in voicemail format and written to the podcast and make sure to follow us on social and be in our private Facebook group to find out when we launch new prompts
Ashley: because we will announce them each month.
Ashley: So we'd love to hear from you in this sisterhood. So thank you to each of you who
Ashley: shared And wrote in
Ashley: and left
Ashley: a voicemail to include in this episode. It's so [00:05:00] fun to see where you all are
Ashley: listening
Ashley: from.
Aisha: And Ashley the prompt this week was birthdays and how we process birthdays and I wanted to ask you, um, you've had five birthdays since coming home from the NICU and has it gotten any easier? Is it different? How has it changed, um, for you guys?
Ashley: I was actually thinking of this as we were kind of getting submissions in and thinking about the episode, and it's Silas, or my son, just turned five in January. And so that birthday felt really significant because it felt like we were, you know, out of the baby toddler stage and into like the little kid, little boy stage.
Ashley: And we're talking about kindergarten enrollment and all of these things. And so it felt, you know, different than maybe previous birthdays [00:06:00] have. But, you know, I reflect on like, I think some of the quote harder ones for me to process were definitely the first couple, um, especially year one. And I think that one It was hard because you're just reliving it all over again for the very first time.
Ashley: You're going through like that anniversary season as we call it, but, um, there was a lot of like, like, I just didn't know how I would feel. So there's almost this anticipatory, like, okay, how am I going to feel? Is it going to feel hard? Is it going to feel easy? Is it going to feel, you know? And I'm like you, where birthdays are a big deal to me, so I love to celebrate and make them really monumental and special, so, you know, that was definitely, that definitely helped me process it, but I think the anticipation was almost harder than the actual birthday itself. Um. And then as NICU parents, you almost have two birthdays because you have when they're born, and then you have when they come home from the NICU. And so you kind of like go [00:07:00] from birthday day to anniversary season where you're like, oh yeah, you were learning how to eat or you were getting on the CPAP on this day a year ago. And then you get to Discharge day and then you're like, oh, okay now I'm probably so it was just you know It's like it feels like you're processing that birthday for months because you you know You're navigating a lot of that for months. Um,
Ashley: and then I think year two was almost harder in some ways because You were farther from the year one, but your body still remembered and you were cut It was kind of a surprise of just like oh, yeah, you know Like even though I'm so grateful to be at year two My body is still remembering and I would say, you know for the past for all the birthdays leading up to five, it still is that, you know, like it, it gets, it's gotten easier.
Ashley: Absolutely. Um, but there'll be times I didn't, you know, like the week [00:08:00] before his, no, it was two weeks before his birthday. And I remember I was just so like. I was so ornery and so like couldn't be. I just had like an edge to me and I was like, why am I so frustrated? Like, there's nothing really in this moment that should be frustrating me. And then I'm like, oh yeah, birthday, birthday is coming up. And it's just like, it. My body still remembers things and there's still parts of my journey that I'm still processing five years out and I maybe,
Ashley: you know, um, I don't struggle as much on a birthday but I'm still always blown away by what
Ashley: my body still remembers and the way that my process kind of, or my trauma comes out on a birthday.
Ashley: But I am You know, year five, I am, it does get easier to look back on my journey with joy
Ashley: and awe and a little bit less grief, and a little bit more just like celebration of how far we've come and [00:09:00] where we are
Ashley: today. But how about you Especially this
Ashley: week, I mean, yeah. Talk about timely
Aisha: Yes, no, absolutely. When you suggested, I was
Aisha: like, Oh,
Aisha: wow, we're going to be, I'm going to be in it. Um,
Aisha: But yeah, I mean, um,
Aisha: right now I think you? touched on so
Aisha: many, um, good points about just, I think especially like the anticipation, like when you
Aisha: kind of are expecting a certain feeling and then you don't really get that, or it doesn't come how you think it's going to come. And so I think there's also a little bit of,
Aisha: um, maybe even guilt that gets kind of in there too, in the mix of all the feelings that you're feeling, cause you're also, well, I should be feeling this, or I shouldn't be feeling
Ashley: Yeah.
Aisha: And so, um, especially in those earlier birthdays that I feel like came up a lot, but, um, I'm, I
Aisha: am probably going to feel it a lot more [00:10:00] once it's all over.
Aisha: And, you know, all the, the, the fun is done and I,
Aisha: um, am kind of more reflecting. Um, so right now I'm feeling just pretty
Aisha: pumped. About
Ashley: Yeah,
Aisha: and just excited to celebrate Eva and Eva is
Aisha: so excited. so we're just in a very happy celebratory mood. And, uh, but I'm sure, um, you know, it's just, your baby's growing and you have, uh, come so far.
Aisha: And so there is definitely a lot of just reflection and, and kind of it's somber, especially, you know, the night before I always like to kind of rock her to sleep and you've been,
Ashley: Mmhmm.
Aisha: you posted about Si when he turned five and just how long he's getting and like barely fitting in your arms. Just like that same feeling of like,
Aisha: wow.
Aisha: Um, it's just, you know, [00:11:00] you put your baby to bed one age and the next morning they're a different age and it's a whole new year. And so that come with, you know, their own set of challenges and, um, things to process. But, but it's, I
Aisha: think definitely being gracious with yourself as you feel it all and, and allowing and permitting yourself to feel exactly what you're feeling because it's very complex.
Ashley: Absolutely. Yeah. Well you mentioned the night before, too, and for me I've always From his first birthday to his fifth birthday, the night before, I always give myself like undivided hours of just reflection. So for me, this sounds really silly, but I go to Target and I pick out wrapping paper and I put together like a couple more little trinket gifts for him and I just like, I just revel in his little hobbies.
Ashley: And [00:12:00] I'm like, okay, he'll love this dinosaur, this transformer, little action figure. And I just take that time to really like celebrate the little boy he's becoming. And obviously those toys have changed over the years, right? It started as like a little rattle or like a little stacking cup, and now it's like an action figure or something. But I, I think I've always just needed that time to Reflect and, you know, just kind of, okay, tomorrow's a big day, not only because he turns the next age, but also because it's when our journey and my motherhood journey began and giving myself that time has been super helpful so that I process some of that before the day so that on the day, I can really just celebrate and really just absorb the day and really take it in and feel like I've
Ashley: given myself that space
Ashley: to process it ahead of time. And then like you Sid,
Ashley: afterwards too, there's like this high of a birthday and
Ashley: then you kind of [00:13:00] come down and you're like, Oh, the reality is they're getting older.
Aisha: hmm.
Ashley: That's really cool. And also like. Whoa. Like we're farther and farther from the baby stages and now we're into this new phase of childhood with
Ashley: them.
Ashley: And so, you know, that before and after is almost, I would say, sometimes more essential just because it's like, okay.
Ashley: You know, the lead up and the follow through after, and it's a lot, it's very complex, like
Aisha: yeah, well, and you know, they always
Aisha: say when the baby is born, the mother is also born. Right. And I think as NICU parents, sometimes that
Aisha: doesn't always look like how we wanted it. So of course there's going to be a part of us
Aisha: that is like, has a tension with that mother that was born. Also prematurely, you know, and or, or into a situation or circumstance that they were not
Aisha: expecting. And it forces you to become a mother that you never [00:14:00] imagined
Aisha: you would have to be. And that in itself brings up so many emotions
Ashley: Yeah. Mm
Aisha: grief of, of jealousy or comparison or, um, anger. And so, um, I think that that.
Aisha: Is so very true and something that we battle with a lot, um, as NICU parents and NICU moms.
Aisha: And so I just kind of wanted to remind ourselves of that, that our babies are not the same babies that they started off as, and we, as mothers are not the same mothers that we started off as, and we're growing and transforming as our child does. So just to remember that too, because even if you didn't like how you had to become a mother. There's always opportunity to continue to grow and evolve to the mother that you are becoming today.
Ashley: Absolutely. No, that's so true. And I think one thing that we hear often in the group [00:15:00] is what if I don't feel like celebrating, you know, like what if it just feels too painful or like the pressure to have the quote birthday party that, you know, Everybody has with the whole family and the whole party and like, what if you're just not there yet, that that's okay too, to really give yourself permission and your family permission to celebrate in a way that honors where your heart is at right now. And I think early on, I felt really like a lot of shame that I didn't want to have the huge party. A, because it was cold and flu season, so I was just nervous. I was like, we are fresh from the NICU and I, that sounds like a nightmare. Um, but also I was just really nervous of how I'd feel in the day and I didn't necessarily feel comfortable surrounding myself with a bunch of even people I loved.
Ashley: I was just like, I don't know how I'm going to feel that day. I don't want to set myself up to fail and feel like pressure to feel a certain way. And so his first birthday was really quiet and intimate and [00:16:00] honestly so special that way. Um, There's, you know, so many more birthdays to go all out and do other things and sometimes too it's okay if that party happens a couple weeks after the birthday. You know, if the day itself is just a really hard day to navigate, there's no rule book that says you have to celebrate with everybody on that day. Do what your heart feels ready for and honor that too and just know that you, you can't do it wrong. You can't celebrate it wrong. You know
Ashley: what your, what your heart is ready and capable of for that birthday, and that, that'll change year to year,
Ashley: too. And I wonder, too, Aisha, if before we hop into the, um, the voicemails and the, the,
Ashley: submissions, if you'd also touch a little bit on Angel Babies, too,
Ashley: because that's a birthday perspective that, um, we want to make sure to honor, and so how have you navigated Enzo's birthdays,
Ashley: and, um, you know, how do you [00:17:00] continue to celebrate his life?
Ashley: Mm
Aisha: Well, we
Aisha: have always been super intentional about.
Aisha: Keeping him, uh, alive and present in our lives, um, through our memory and just honoring his life, how, um, we best can, um, and that includes sharing him with Eva and as she's continued to grow and understand more, it's been really sweet to
Aisha: see their bond, um, also strengthen in her love for him grow.
Aisha: Um, so.
Aisha: For us, you know, I don't even know why, I think it was just because it was the season, but, um, Enzo was born in October, and there was apple picking happening all around, and so we decided, you know what, we're gonna go apple picking every year on
Aisha: his birthday. And we're going to get, pick apples. And then I'm going to come home and [00:18:00] I'm going to bake an apple pie and we're going to sing happy
Aisha: birthday and, and, you know, and celebrate him that way.
Aisha: And so for the past five years, we've, we've been able to go and celebrate and it's not. Always on his exact birthday. Sometimes it's a few days before or after, but, um, the, you know, the intention is always there of like, we're going to have our apple pie in honor of Enzo and now Eva knows it's, you know, apple pie is called Enzo pie in our home.
Ashley: Oh, stop! Oh my
Aisha: So, yeah. And I think that is,
Ashley: hmm. Mm
Ashley: hmm.
Aisha: it also depends very much on where your heart is and how ready it is to,
Aisha: um, celebrate, um, your angel baby's life. Um, you know, for us. The first couple of years was very intimate and it was just me and Andy. And then we started opening it up to my, you know, family and extended family who wanted to join.
Aisha: And [00:19:00] so it's going to really depend on what you're ready for. Um, but I think that it's so healing to be able to, to, to remember your baby and, and it can be something so small, um, like lighting a
Aisha: candle. Or it can be bigger and it really is also up to you and what you, your heart is, is ready to
Aisha: do.
Ashley: Yeah. Absolutely. I think it was JP's last birthday or maybe a couple ago, but, um, Martha had reached out to a few of us to light a candle on his birthday. And so we all lit candles and sent her pictures or videos of us holding a candle in honor of him and his life. But it was just so special
Ashley: to be a part of that and to get to honor his life with her.
Ashley: And,
Ashley: um, even just having that little
Ashley: symbol just was like, we're, we're remembering him. Like he won't be forgotten
Aisha: so beautiful.
Ashley: And I think too, you know, not to keep rambling, [00:20:00] but I think one thing that's been helpful for me is just letting family know that I might be a little bit more tender the week before and after his birthday and letting them know, like, Trust me, I'm celebrating.
Ashley: I'm going all out. Like, I'm very much like you where I want to do all the things, theme it up. We did Ninja Turtles this year and Ryan and I were making Ninja Turtle cupcakes, you know, like doing the whole thing, pepperoni pizza for Mikey's Ninja Turtles, um, but You know, also letting family know that, you know, this is a really complex week for us.
Ashley: It's, it was the, the best day and the hardest day. It was the day of great joy that we got to see him and meet him. And also great fear of just not knowing what was up and coming and it led to. You know, a three month journey of uncertainty. And so, you know, just also letting people know in your life, like, Hey, um, my NICU
Ashley: sisters, like you guys are so [00:21:00] good to check in and be like, how are you feeling this week? But for people that maybe they don't think in that way or, you know, understand that way also just letting them know, like, Hey, could you check in on me this week? Like, I'm just, you know, this is going to be a complex week for me and just having people check in and, you know, just
Ashley: make sure that
Ashley: I'm doing okay or, you know, it's just always
Ashley: really helpful, you know, just to like kind of help people understand where your heart might be at
Ashley: but yeah, well, should we read some
Aisha: yes, let's do it. We have had
Aisha: um, some sisters who who wrote in and wrote some really
Aisha: beautiful,
Aisha: they
Aisha: dropped some wisdom. So.
Ashley: They always do. I'm always like, who are these amazing people?
Ashley: How do we get to know them?
Aisha: It is such a privilege. So we have from Buffalo, Allison, who writes in
Aisha: and says,
Aisha: My twins were born at Children's Hospital in Philadelphia, far from home and family, and we weren't sure one of the girls was going to make it. The night before induction, heavily pregnant and terrified, I [00:22:00] baked Ghirardelli dark chocolate brownies in the Ronald McDonald kitchens.
Aisha: Whether or not my twins made it, it was going to be their birthday and they deserve to be recognized and celebrated. What I realized after is that the brownies were really for me, a carryover coping tool from the pandemic, but also recognition of the battle of pregnancy coming to an end should be recognized.
Aisha: A carryover coping tool from the pandemic, but also recognition of the battle of pregnancy coming to an end should be recognized. I'm happy to share that both my twins survived in our 18 months. And wildly healthy, thank God. I've decided that the brownie baking the night before will continue, but as a ritual and a moment for me to reflect on how far I have come and to honor her, terrified, brave, uncomfortable mom to be.
Aisha: And how great she did and how much our family has accomplished. I also plan to do some volunteering at my [00:23:00] local Ronald McDonald house, send coffee to our NICU nurses and celebrate the day our girls were reunited at home seven weeks after birth with a family birthday excursion. Thank you for all the work you
Aisha: do.
Ashley: Oh, that made me
Ashley: cry. That was
Ashley: so beautiful.
Aisha: the ritual
Aisha: and like taking time, kind of like you were saying, just taking time,
Aisha: to do something
Aisha: and just
Aisha: honor yourself as well and all That you have done. to get to this moment. So thank you so much for sharing that, Allison.
Ashley: so beautiful. I think I'm gonna cry during
Ashley: all of these as I'm skimming over them. I'm like, oh boy, these are so good. Okay, next up we have Sarah from Green Bay, Wisconsin. She writes, I have been able to celebrate my son's birthday as his and his alone. I take an annual picture with a prior year's birthday photo in it, so his original birthday photo is still [00:24:00] there, and shows just how much he has grown and how far he has come in the past five and a half years. For me, I've also celebrated his due date and his homecoming all these years, not always in a big way, and sometimes just for me as a reminder how far I have come and how much I have grown. Your child's birthday is a celebration not only of a year that has passed, but also of all the moments that made up that year, the changes in your child, as well as the changes in you. there will be highs and lows each year. But the day they were born, the day they entered the NICU will always be special. It may not have been joyful or easy, but that day is the day you started becoming the amazing, wonderful woman you are today.
Ashley: So please give yourself permission to take time for you as well as your child.
Aisha: I'm so beautiful.
Ashley: Sarah! These are so good.
Ashley: My heart.
Aisha: are we going to be able to do this?
Ashley: I love it. I know, I'm like, this
Ashley: is gonna be a mess!
Ashley: Especially for you, the week of Eva's
Aisha: know. I [00:25:00] just, wow. I'm getting, I am getting, let's go.
Ashley: Oh, man.
Aisha: So next we have Maddie from
Aisha: Sioux
Aisha: Falls.
Aisha: She writes in and says, Each
Aisha: year on my daughter's birthday,
Aisha: we of course have her celebration for
Aisha: most of the day, and it is wonderful
Aisha: and joyous for her. However, later on in the evening, I typically find myself A little in a darkness on that day years ago, I had the scariest moments of my life. Typically, it's hard for my husband to understand why I feel this way, but I just have to remind him that not only is it a wonderful day, was also a very scary day for my daughter and myself. Our lives were very much in danger. My advice to other mamas is that it is okay to have feelings on this day other than joy, because you can be a warrior 99 percent of the time.
Aisha: But sometimes that 1 percent of darkness just happens and it is real and raw and valid. Thanks Ashley for being so wonderful and for helping people through these times with your podcast. I'm loving these family call in episodes. [00:26:00] Me too. Yes.
Aisha: Yes.
Ashley: So beautiful. I love that. Well, you can be a warrior 99 percent of the time, but that 1
Ashley: percent is still raw
Aisha: I
Ashley: So good. What in the world?
Next up we have SEvannah. She says, My son Shepard turned 3 years old on January 10th. The upcoming Wednesday, 3 6, is his quote homecoming day. We celebrate 3 6 every year. Since Shep was born in the height of COVID, none of our family outside of my husband and I were able to meet him until he came home. Shep was born at 33 weeks due to PPROM. Unfortunately, he remained in the NICU beyond his due date because of a severe I'm so sorry that I do not know how to say that. Um, Severe laryngomalacia that required surgery. We spent a total of 55 days in the NICU. Honestly, I feel a bit disconnected from his true birthday. We celebrate him well, but I feel like his homecoming day is a bigger [00:27:00] milestone for him and our entire family. We throw him a birthday party every year, but we also get a cake or cupcakes on his homecoming day. As our kids have grown, they are now three and four, we've been able to explain the significance more. , and then she has in quotes what she says to her kids.
Ashley: She says, shepherd was born early and it wasn't safe for him to live at home with us for a while. He lived in the hospital until he could be home with our family, but mommy and daddy visited him every day.
Ashley: End quote. It's a fun way to get our entire family involved in the
Ashley: celebration of our
Ashley: family being home together. That
Ashley: is so beautiful. I love that just guidance and direction at the end and really including
Ashley: your kids and explaining the the NICU and what that looked like and she makes such a good point of that homecoming day is sometimes
Ashley: what you feel the
Aisha: Of course. Oh, so beautiful. Um, next we have Michelle from Westerville, Ohio.
Aisha: And she writes, I have three NICU babies with three [00:28:00] different stories. My first was when I was 20 years old. He was born at 31 weeks, weighed five pounds, three ounces, and spent two weeks at Dayton Children's Hospital in the NICU. He is now 18, getting ready to graduate and 250 pounds.
Aisha: My
Ashley: That's so wild. Woah.
Aisha: I was 23
Aisha: years old. He was born at 28 weeks, weighed 5 pounds 1 ounce, and spent a month at Nationwide Children's Hospital. He is now 16, an all star baseball and football player, learning to drive, and weighs 175
Aisha: pounds.
Ashley: I love
Ashley: the pounds.
Aisha: it. This is so
Ashley: This is so cool.
Aisha: My last one. I was 40 years old. He was born at 26 weeks,
Aisha: weighed two pounds,
Aisha: 13 ounces, and spent
Aisha: 85 days at St. Ann Hospital in Westerville,
Aisha: Ohio. He is now six months old, trying to hold his head up and weighs 14 pounds. [00:29:00] With all three boys during their birthdays, I reflect on our journey together.
Aisha: Every birthday, I cry sad tears because they are growing up, and I cry with happy tears that they are so strong and such fighters. I look at their NICU books and tell them stories of how it all started. I tell them that they are fighters in their soul, so God began them early. I would tell other moms to remember that babies come out as fighters.
Aisha: And to embrace their NICU journey and what is to come. Also to hold them tight whenever we want and no matter how old they are, because we NICU moms understand what it is like not to be able to keep our babies whenever we want.
Aisha: Wow,
Ashley: the shell.
Aisha: that is so
Ashley: so beautiful. That is so
Aisha: Can you imagine
Ashley: pou yeah.
Aisha: one day
Aisha: our
Ashley: much.
Aisha: four year old and five year old are going to be graduating. [00:30:00] What
Ashley: What in the world?
Aisha: Thank you
Aisha: for that perspective, mama. That
Aisha: was so
Aisha: special.
Ashley: It's so beautiful. Oh, so beautiful.
Aisha: Ah, yes. Well, we have a few more written submissions, so I'm going to read the next one. From Amy in California. And she writes. I just wanted to share that our son, Ethan passed away after spending a little over a month in the NICU. Every birthday that passes is gut wrenching, but I think his first birthday was the most difficult. I took the day off from work and just laid in bed. I remember thinking about how I should have been planning his first birthday and celebrating with family and friends.
Aisha: A friend once told me that our bodies know when a special date is approaching and sure enough, every year I get more anxious and emotional as Ethan's birthday approaches.
Aisha: I often think and dream about the kind of boy he would have been. Some years his [00:31:00] birthdays. Are filled with enjoying the memories. We made in the short time he was physically with us. But some years it's filled with a heavy void. And lots of tears. Either way we celebrate him in his life, get him a cake, sing, happy birthday, and talk about him with his siblings.
Aisha: Thank you so much for sharing Ethan with us, Amy and we honor him today. And remember him. He is such a special boy. And we were so grateful that you shared with us his story.
Aisha: And, um, We also have a letter from Kira. And she writes, I think a lot of people associate positive emotions when celebrating a first birthday or anniversaries. And in any normal circumstance, it's happy, celebratory and joyous to see your baby turn one. When you're celebrating your NICU baby, you experienced all of those feelings of course, but you [00:32:00] tend to get smacked with emotions on the flip side. Relief sadness and feelings of grief. Feelings you would rather not associate with when you should be celebrating. You can forget that all of these feelings can coexist and it doesn't make you any less of a mom when you have a mixture of them. If you have a first birthday, a hospital anniversary, a trigger date coming up. Please allow yourself to process all of these overwhelming feelings and know you are not alone. As I celebrate my daughter's first birthday with tears of joy, a few tears of sadness trickled in, and I grieved the year my daughter should have had. It's okay to celebrate the first giggles while grieving the first few months, knowing nothing but tubes and wires. It is okay to celebrate their first milestone while also sorting through feelings of disappointment for not carrying them to term. It is okay to celebrate all of these new little things they are doing and greed. That you didn't get to enjoy them from the beginning at home where they belonged. I cry with you.
Aisha: I grieve with you [00:33:00] and I celebrate with you
Aisha: Thank you so much for that beautiful message of hope Kyra.
Ashley: and lastly, we have Cassidy from Moorhead, Minnesota. And she writes, Birthdays are incredibly loaded. They are a mixture of feelings of loss for what was missed out on, or how my child is behind comparing same aged peers, but also a joy that it is the day that gave me my daughter that I love so dearly. My daughter will be five in May, and every birthday has been a different experience. I was terrified of her first birthday. The weeks leading up to one was constantly thinking about my baby being healthy and safe in my tummy, compared to all that changing on the day of her birth and not being able to protect her. I threw myself into planning a party as a distraction and it worked, until I was alone that night and broke down. What I did not anticipate was the weeks that followed the actual birth date, days that my child was in the NICU fighting for her life would be as hard as they were. That it was more than just one day, it was the anniversary of many, many days that were hard back to [00:34:00] back. I did not cope well the first two years. I lost myself and I tried to hide from the pain. By the time my daughter's third birthday started approaching, I knew I needed to start actively doing things to have positive feelings and associations toward that day. That year was the first year that I had the idea to put together a donation to bring to the family that was in the same NICU room my daughter was in, however many years before on that date. It was an emotional and triumphant return to the NICU. It was hard seeing all of the familiar things, but it was empowering knowing we were doing something positive and being able to show how far my daughter has come. This year, we are two months away from doing our third NICU birthday donation for my daughter's fifth birthday, and it's been healing for all of us. It's something I let my daughter take charge in with going shopping and picking things out, and at the same time always being transparent and honest about her own start in this world and why we're doing it. She's old enough now that it makes her excited to do something to help other babies who are sick like she was. Even with finding the joy, there's still no [00:35:00] cure to the pain. My daughter has disabilities, and every birthday is another quote, marker of where she should be versus her peers. And it's hard. I'm better now at allowing myself to feel the grief and giving myself grace. I try to take time for myself intentionally in the days and weeks before and after her birthday to take care of myself, and that has been really important. I think at the end of
Ashley: the day, we'll always
Ashley: be a
Ashley: time that's full of big feelings, both good and bad, as it's a reminder of a season of life nobody would have chosen for themselves if
Ashley: given the option.
Ashley: Wow, so beautiful. Um, so much wisdom in these.
Ashley: I want to print them out and like hang them up on my wall.
Ashley: And the best part is that we have more wisdom. So we are going to cut to the voicemails that mamas have submitted and then we'll
Ashley: Say farewell
Lizzy: Hi, my name is Liz York, and I live in Wisconsin. My, my daughter was born in Eau Claire, Wisconsin, and then, um, [00:36:00] at 33 weeks. And then she was transferred to Rochester, Minnesota. Um, so we spent our first three days in different states. Um, and Birthdays are a huge thing for us, and our third birthday is coming up here soon.
Lizzy: She really wants to talk to you. Can you say hi? Hi! Hi! I think that what helped me, I'm a labor and delivery nurse. So, I, when I got back to work, I stood in the OR where she was born, and I just had a moment. Um, but I think like our First birthday especially was like a huge milestone for us. It was a really rough year for me.
Lizzy: I had all these ideas of how her birth was going to be so different than my first kiddos. And, um, I think we just threw a big party and celebrated her, and we took photos of her, next to the
Lizzy: picture of her, um, with a really fresh baby incubated, like, [00:37:00] to kind of express joy and share, um, like, everyone was just dying to meet her.
Lizzy: She was born when COVID rules were still going on. So no one was able to come and visit her and see her, but she was in the NICU for 26 days. And so it was just like, now we're all here together, and this is a big celebration that I thought had been, would have been like coming home from the hospital, um, when she was born healthy, but um, especially that first birthday.
Lizzy: And every, every birthday since has gotten a little easier. Um, I think just be gentle with yourself, and even if the story didn't go like how you wanted it to, um. I mean, her story is a pretty cool one. Not, not every baby gets a helicopter ride on their first day of life. There's some good things about it too.
Lizzy: Um, definitely changed how I practice as a nurse and how I parent as well. So, good luck [00:38:00] mamas!
Alyssa: Hi there, this is NICU mama Alyssa calling from Boston and I wanted to leave my response to the prompt. Um, and I just wanted to say that every year around my son's birthday, I feel a rush of a multitude of emotions. The days leading up to each year, I'm shocked by how much my trauma and experiences feel in my body, like they're happening all over again.
Alyssa: I'm filled with immense pride at my miracle who was born at just two pounds. But as we approach my son's second birthday, I truly am feeling more and more proud of the woman and mother I've become as well. The further removed from it, The more I am in awe of what we endured, the more I feel like it was something my son and I went through together, and we both made it out stronger.[00:39:00]
Alyssa: Last year, on his first birthday, we watched a video montage of his NICU stay, and I felt so much. And that's what I realized. And that's what Dear NICU mama has helped me to realize, is that it's okay to feel everything. Contrasting emotions can and do exist, and it's important to feel them. Joy and pain, grief and pride, thankfulness and anger, it's all okay.
Alyssa: And it's important to future a miracle that all feelings are okay too. Thank you so much.
Molly: Hi, my name is Mollie Palma and I am from Chaska, Minnesota. Uh, we unexpectedly welcomed our two twins actually last Easter, uh, April 9th of 2023. Um, they were born at 26 weeks and 5 days. Uh, our daughter Daisy was born at 1 pound 10 ounces and our son Barrett was born at 2 pounds and 2 ounces. Uh, we haven't yet reached their first [00:40:00] birthday, but in Getting ready for the preparations.
Molly: Um, obviously the grandparents are super excited. Um, really raring to get into planning along with a lot of our, um, other family and friends. And my husband and I have been noticing that we're, um, been a little conflicted about it. Um, our twins are doing amazing. Um, they miraculously made it out of the NICU.
Molly: Um, both of them stayed for over three months. Um, came home without any major health complications or issues which we're super grateful for. Um, but it is a little frustrating and sad to see, um, you know, some of my other friends and people on social media who have kiddos that are around the same age as them, um, that might be a little bit farther ahead than they are, um, and so we're really, uh, we're obviously looking forward to their first birthday, um, and, you know, the milestone that they've, um, you know, made it through what we hope is the hardest time in their life and that they're finally, um, [00:41:00] Um, out the other side.
Molly: But it's also a sad moment. Um, just remembering the trauma of that day. Um, my water broke at around 7 a. m. and the twins were born via emergency C section by about 2 p. m. Uh, so they moved very quickly and didn't leave a lot of time for us to really process. Um, and it also being Easter and the fact that our family was all gathered waiting for us to make it there, um, and we never did.
Molly: Um, it was also very hard to deal with. As we look forward to their first birthday, um, feeling a lot of mixed feelings. Obviously feeling very excited, um, that they've reached this milestone, but also feeling a little sad that, um, you know, they weren't supposed to be here yet, and their original due date was July 11th.
Molly: Um, I'm not sure if that could resonate with anyone, uh, that they're kind of a first birthday coming up and they're feeling a little conflicted, um, both being happy and sad and bringing up, um, you know, a lot of traumatic and, um, Awful memories that are also mixed with very happy, um, and amazing memories.
Molly: Um, so I just wanted to [00:42:00] thank you guys for all the great work you do and, um, the big help you've been. Um, the Facebook group was a huge, huge, um, benefit to both myself and my husband while we were going through the worst of our NICU days. Um, so I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you so much for all that you do.
Molly: Um, and as a family, we are always praying for all the littles that are, um, still in the NICU, will be born in the NICU, and our families that are going through it right now. Um, it was obviously the hardest time in our lives, um, and we're so happy.
Melissa: Hi, my name is Melissa Smith and I am from Fort Worth, Texas. I would say that every year on my son's birthday, he was a 25 weeker, um, I think about redemption and how it started off as this terrible experience, um, And over time, although it was painful, it's been very redeeming to know that I can do hard things.
Melissa: Of course, my son can [00:43:00] do hard things. Um, and it just reminds me of the grace and mercy that God provides and that he can turn something that is so ugly and terrible. into something that has so much beauty and joy attached to it as well. So it's humbling, it's, it's redemption, it's grace, it's mercy. Um, and advice that I would give to other moms is you and your babies can do hard things.
Melissa: Joy is on the other side of a NICU saying your faith is powerful, God hears you, and you got this. Even through the tears, you got this.
Ashley: Well, all of these submissions have been truly remarkable and Just so full of wisdom and hope and encouragement and honesty and transparency. And really, we [00:44:00] couldn't ask for more. Um, thank you to each of you who wrote in and called in. And just know that no matter how you feel, Whether you feel like celebrating, whether you feel like grieving, whether you feel that in the same exact second, know that there's no right or wrong way to celebrate your child's birth and entrance into the world. There's a lot of grace. There's immense amounts of grace to feel exactly how you feel and know that it doesn't make you Any less grateful for the significance of that day, um, grief and joy can coexist. And so no matter if it's your baby's first birthday, if it's their 10th birthday, if
Ashley: it's their 20th birthday, that everything that you're feeling is valid and you are
Ashley: seen and you are loved.
Ashley: And Aisha, happy birthday to Eva!
Aisha: Thank you. Yes. Mamas. We hope that you listen to these and feel hugged by your sisters. You are not
Aisha: alone.
Ashley & Aisha: Thank you so much for listening to the Dear NICU Mama podcast. If you loved this [00:45:00] episode, we'd be so grateful for a review. For more ways to connect with the Dear NICU Mama Sisterhood, check out the links in the episode description.
