S8 Ep3 Transcription
Season 8 Episode 3 "Aisha | Eva’s NICU Journey”
•• Please note that this is a computer generated transcript and there are potential errors. For this recording, there was an error with the recording software so unfortunately the voices are not labeled in the transcription.
Ashley & Aisha: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Dear NICU mama podcast. This podcast is a safe place to connect with other NICU moms by listening to interviews with trauma informed medical and maternal mental health experts, remarkable stories from the NICU and intentional round table conversations. Our hope is that you feel like you're sitting across the table from another NICU sister and feel seen and validated in your experience.
Ashley & Aisha: No matter where you are on your healing journey, this podcast is here to remind you that you are not alone. Welcome to the sisterhood.
Ashley: Hi, beautiful mamas. Welcome back to the Dear NICU Mama podcast.
Ashley: Aisha, how are you doing today?
Aisha: I'm doing good. It's been beautiful. We're in the Midwest, so it's been very nice weather. We've been really enjoying some like spring days. So that's been really lovely.
Ashley: Good. I love it. Well, mamas, we have a very special treat today. It honestly, I'm surprised we haven't [00:01:00] shared this part of Aisha's story yet. We were actually laughing about the fact that like we've shared half of her motherhood story and glimmers of her motherhood story on roundtable episodes, but we haven't had the chance to hear her NICU journey with the one and only Eva.
Ashley: And so guys buckle up. This episode is so, good. Aisha, I'm so excited to share your story and also give our listeners a chance to get to know you better, especially as you are now the official co host of the podcast. So
Ashley: I'm so excited. How are you feeling?
Aisha: I am so pumped. I love talking about Eva. She is my, I mean, I could talk about her all day. So this is a treat for me to be able to share her remarkable story. I am such a firm believer of like verbal processing and so like sharing her story has been healing for me in so many ways.
Aisha: And so I'm excited to share here and hopefully give a little hope to a mom who may have a serial serial, have a, a similar um, experience or that maybe feels. with, with our story. So I'm really pumped.
Ashley: Oh, I'm so pumped. I, you came up to Fargo for our large fundraising [00:02:00] event in past November, and I remember we were sitting over bagels and. I was like, wait, there's so many parts of your story that I don't know. And so even though we've been friends for so many years now, it was really special to hear more of the intimate details of your story.
Ashley: And so I'm really excited to share those today and. Eva has a birthday coming up, so this is also like a little bit of an
Ashley: anniversary season for
Ashley: you.
Aisha: It totally is. She's going to be four years old in a few weeks.
Ashley: What in the world?
Aisha: wild. And the, the difference from like three to four is so
Aisha: crazy. I'm it's like, she's. It's a totally different person. She's matured so much when I'm talking to her. I'm like, who am I talking to? So I'm really excited for four and yes, anniversary season.
Aisha: I have been feeling it in my body. You know, it's, it's been crazy. Cause we talk about it all the time about how as um, certain dates approach, you just kind of get like [00:03:00] this overwhelming feeling, um, it kind of brings you back. I definitely have been feeling it in like where my incision is. It's just, it all comes back. And so it's, it's a fun um, time to reflect. And I don't know if I say fun, but it really, um. It's not that fun. Sometimes it's really hard.
Aisha: Um, but once you have, you know, a few years removed from it, there are things that come up that um, you can see in a different light as well. So,
Ashley: Yeah, for sure. Well, and if you haven't heard Aisha's part one with her son, Enzo, we will definitely link that in the show notes as well because Aisha, your story is remarkable for so many reasons, but it doesn't come without loss. And there was almost this like previous chapter where you became a mom and then came home with empty arms and then the courage to try again and try for Eva and then navigate the nicu.
Ashley: And so, your story just. Always will blow me away and always just like, I have such a reverence for it because I see the courage embedded through every single aspect of it. And so to all of our lost mamas too you know, I know that Aisha's story today will bring immense amounts of hope and we'll make sure to link that first episode because truly the way that [00:04:00] you honor his life and share him with us and just really, The way that you became a mother, I just, I will forever be in awe of it.
Ashley: And so I'm so grateful and excited to hear kind of part two of when you know, this whole journey began. And so I do feel like maybe to begin, let's just chat a little bit. So we did a round table episode with Martha a while back, just talking about like pregnancy after loss. And so maybe let's start there a little bit of, you know, when you and Andy were like, okay, let's. Let's try for another baby, you know, how are you feeling in that moment and what was it like to like become pregnant again?
Aisha: Well, uh, I think I, I did touch on it, um, in that round table, but. Um, when you have a loss and you don't bring a baby home um, there is such a void really um, that, uh, I feel like many moms could relate to. You just kind of, you really wish to [00:05:00] have a baby. You mean your body is still even doing the things that you would do if you had a baby.
Aisha: And so there's just so many Layers to it, but um, the big, like resounding, voice in your head is like where is this baby that I'm supposed to be caring for and nurturing and loving and raising? And so, um, I knew. that I wanted to try again. it was a long process of healing too, because I think a big part of um, making that decision is making sure that your motivation isn't um, to replace, the loss that you have.
Aisha: And so I think there um, was this, like, it was twofold. Um, I really am wanting to fill this void in, in my life. Um, and I also want to honor the life that. I lost and so, um, having the timeline of like, how can, how long will I have to wait to try again really permitted me to then say, okay, now I know the timeline and now I can uh, dig into, to healing and processing and making sure that.
Aisha: If and when I get pregnant again um, my heart is, uh, in the right place. And, um, so, uh, yeah, it was, it was a year, that we found out we were pregnant. with Eva um, to the date, I think, um, you know, [00:06:00] Enzo was born October 13th of 2018 and October 2nd of 2019. I found out I was pregnant
Aisha: and I remember I was texting my best friend and I was telling her, I, you know, I'm late by like a few days and I really have this feeling that I'm pregnant.
Aisha: And usually, you
Aisha: know,
Ashley: Hmm
Aisha: they say, like, wait two weeks from your missed period before you, like, get any pregnancy tests because, you know, a few days late can, you know, doesn't mean you're pregnant. And so I just remember telling her, like, I just have this feeling that I'm pregnant right now, but I'll wait. I'm going to wait two weeks because I don't want to jinx it.
Aisha: I don't want, you know, and she's like, no, no, no. Go to the pharmacy. Go get a test. Like, do this. Let's see. And so I did, I went to the pharmacy. I didn't tell Andy and I [00:07:00] remember like peeing on the stick. She's like on the phone with me and I see like a very fine, like two lines. And I don't know why I always get the old school pregnancy test, maybe because it's cheaper,
Aisha: but I always, I
Aisha: always
Aisha: get the old
Ashley: Probably.
Ashley: Yeah.
Aisha: And I remember being like, darn it. I, what is, is, you know, I can't. Tell if this is like a positive test. And so I took another one and again, it was like very faint, but there was two lines and I was like, okay, I, I I'm pregnant. Um, and it was just immediately.
Aisha: Joy overcame and I was so grateful for the little baby that was growing inside me. Um, And that night I told Andy and we just kind of sat in that, like realization [00:08:00] that we're going to do this again. And you know, it's
Aisha: it's happening. Um, and there wasn't much talk about it before
Aisha: uh, and so a lot of the processing, the pregnancy, second pregnancy was as it was happening. Um, and that was difficult too because once the excitement fades, the fear, uh, starts to kind of bubble up and especially after the first appointment um, where your OB is kind of telling you that the risks are higher.
Aisha: for another preterm
Aisha: labor. Um, and so your bubble of baby bliss kind of gets burst pretty early on and, and the reality sinks in and then you have to kind of, Sit with that and, and know that it is uncertain and you don't have control over what is going to
Aisha: happen. Um, and that's a really hard thing to sit with and, and to accept [00:09:00] Uh, so, so yeah, having a pregnancy after loss is. It's like walking on eggshells the entire
Aisha: time. You're more aware of your body. You're more aware of every little, feeling you have your doctor on speed dial.
Aisha: Cause you're like any little thing that feels wrong or off, you're, just on high alert the entire time.
Aisha: Um, and then also feeling extremely, aware of like, I need to be calm because I know that my stress also is affecting baby right now. And so I need to also like find ways to like meditate and calm my body and my nervous system.
Aisha: And so it's like this juxtaposition of like. You're just, your body is
Aisha: Responding from trauma. And you're also trying to like find ways to cope , yeah, it's just very, it's hard. It was a hard pregnancy, but sprinkled with joy because, you know, [00:10:00] you, you're also
Aisha: very
Aisha: much
Aisha: aware of the blessing that it is to be able to get pregnant again.
Aisha: You're aware of how incredibly miraculous it is to carry a baby. And I think the first time around, we. we're kind of naive and then the second time around we're just so aware of how crazy it is to even get pregnant how like everything is just it has to be aligned so perfectly for everything to go well and so you're just so much more aware of that and it makes everything heightened and like the hard and the beautiful
Aisha: so
Ashley: Right. Absolutely. Well, and I didn't realize that you found out you were pregnant so close to like,
Ashley: when he was born, you
Ashley: said, right. And so I can imagine too, that that would be unique [00:11:00] because you're like,
Ashley: in that
Ashley: anniversary season while also in like celebrating this new upcoming season and like those that collision would be like a lot to process and navigate and just like yeah like you said go into a pregnancy knowing like okay this is a risk we're grateful like we're ultimately so excited and also
Ashley: like we're still grieving
Ashley: what we just endured like
Ashley: That would be
Ashley: That would be a lot to
Ashley: process.
Aisha: It was, and it was our first anniversary.
Ashley: Right.
Ashley: Yeah.
Aisha: So, um, it would have been his first birthday. So we were, we were definitely navigating a lot and uh, it, it definitely made it so, it was really beautiful because we did, we were just, our hearts were just cracked open And
Aisha: And so
Aisha: celebrating Enzo and honoring his life and I Always wanted it to be so intentional.
Aisha: We have this tradition where we go apple picking and that was the first year that we did it. I was, you know like with this news of like, we're pregnant, we hadn't really told anybody, but we're, we're going and we're honoring Enzo. And then also just so incredibly excited and grateful for the life that we were also carrying.
Aisha: It made it so, it's so special.
Aisha: Um, to be able to [00:12:00] celebrate both our babies, um, so closely together.
Ashley: Oh my goodness. That's so beautiful. I just think like, I see it as like, him being like, go get him, Eva Like, you
Ashley: know, like passing the baton almost, you know, like go, I don't
Aisha: It is. No, I think that you're so right because um, you know, I do think that in a way our babies choose us too. And so it's uh, I don't think that it is, I don't see it as a coincidence really. Uh, and I truly believe that. It was
Aisha: divinely planned this way where I do, I think, you know, Enzo and Eva's life are so intricately like connected. And I think that she carries a piece of him in her life. And so. You know, there's even science that backs it, like how each pregnancy we pass the life of, of the cells [00:13:00] of our previous babies and pregnancies into the, our, like, the next pregnancy.
Aisha: And so there is a connection between both of them and, um, and it's just really, really incredible to think about that.
Ashley: absolutely. Oh, that's so beautiful. I love that. Um, so then going kind of back to, you know, you find out you're pregnant, your OB you mentioned was kind of like, congratulations. And also we need to monitor you really closely. So what did your pregnancy look like as far as like a medical? Were you getting, you know, consistent check ins?
Ashley: I mean, what, how are they kind
Ashley: of mapping out your
Ashley: pregnancy for you?
Aisha: Yeah. So they, it was definitely considered from the beginning a high risk pregnancy. Um, so. Uh, I was sent to a, high risk doctor, um, I think maybe after my second appointment. Um, so [00:14:00] my first one was just kind of confirming pregnancy and checking on like vitals and having that conversation of like, we're going to have to come up with a plan so that we are just watching you and making sure.
Aisha: We, the, the reason why I went into preterm labor with Enzo was unclear. So they were kind of just like we're just going to have to kind of play it by ear and check. And so one of the theories was that my cervix was incompetent. So they wanted to do cervical checks. Um, so. We started doing that pretty much right away.
Aisha: Uh, just checking the length of my cervix every other week. Um, I was put on, uh, was it progesterone? I think it was progesterone. And so I started inserting that and taking that uh, pretty early on. And, um, just getting, yeah, I was, I was, in the, it's like. Mixed feelings because [00:15:00] you get to see your baby a lot more.
Aisha: Um, you know, I remember with Enzo, like after that first appointment, I'm like, well, I have to wait like four weeks until I see him again. Like, that's crazy. And so this time it was like every two weeks we were in uh, the doctor's office checking on Eva checking my cervical length and um, and everything was.
Aisha: It was. checking out. Um, and she looked great. She was growing, beautifully. My cervix was long. It wasn't like shortening or anything. There were no signs of preterm labor. Um, and I remember at my 20, so Enzo was born at 24 weeks and at my 24 week checkup, I went to the high rest doctor, we did a very extensive ultrasound and check and everything was looking great.
Aisha: And I left that day with like doctor's orders to enjoy the rest of my pregnancy [00:16:00]
Aisha: because everything looked great.
Ashley: You had like hit that big milestone that I'm sure was just like always like, okay, we got to get to this. We got to get to this. And past
Ashley: 24, you know,
Aisha: yes, exactly. So we met that and I remember just like such a weight. Being lifted off my shoulders and saying like, I can't wait to just relax now and enjoy like this baby and every little moment being pregnant with her
Ashley: Yeah.
Aisha: Feeling great. And then, um. I woke up one Saturday morning having some cramping, and I remember being like, Okay, this is scary.
Aisha: I, it didn't feel exactly like how Enzo's um, labor felt, but I, it was significant enough for me to notice it and like kind of clock it and say, Okay, this Um, I remember calling the doctor because I was getting my, like, I was going to get my teeth cleaned at the dentist and I was like, can I do that pregnant?
Aisha: I don't know. And they're like, well, you can go get, you know, all good. Go, go get your dental exam. And I went and um, and I was feeling okay. The cramping was mostly in the morning when I had woken up. So I just drank water and kind of stayed laying and relaxed and rested. And then we went to the dentist and then I went to my parents house.
Aisha: And, And Andy and my little brother were playing basketball. It was a beautiful uh, day [00:17:00] and I was just watching them and the cramping kept like coming, it was in waves. And so I'm like, ah, you know, you start getting like a little bit anxious and, and I didn't want to scare anyone. Uh, so I was trying to like really in that moment.
Aisha: I was like triaging myself like, is this something that I have to say? Will it pass? Um, and I just, I knew better to keep quiet. Um, and so I, I told Andy, like, I want to call, it was Saturday, so I want, I was, I want to call the on call doctor. I want to just kind of check in and see what I should do. And Um, by the time I called, I had to wait for a call back.
Aisha: I was kind of laying on my side, trying to just drink water, and uh, it was almost like a light flipped on, and then I was like in excruciating pain,
Ashley: Yeah.
Aisha: and I have a really high, like, pain tolerance. And so Andy immediately knew something was not right when I was telling him, like, this really hurts.
Aisha: And [00:18:00] so he said, let's just go to the ER. Like, let's not wait anymore. Let's just start driving. And that is, like, from that moment on, like, the series of events that happened were just so
Aisha: I see it as, like, divine intervention after divine intervention because Everything happened so quickly after that moment um, that
Aisha: one wrong term could have made a huge impact in the outcome. Um, so basically we were on our way to the hospital that we delivered Enzo in because they have a level for NICU.
Aisha: And as we were on our way, like right before the turn, before we could like turn around, I get a call from my doctor and she says, come straight to the ER. That's closest to you where I'm at. I want to get you checked out. And if we need to transfer you, we'll transfer you an ambulance, but come here. Don't go straight there.
Aisha: And so I like literally, as she's telling me that I'm like, turn, turn, turn. So he turns [00:19:00] around and we get to the um, ER. We got there. They, were starting to like put all the monitors on to check on everything.
Aisha: Um, And, asking me like, from one to 10, like, what is your pain right now? And I was like, there's no number. It's, it's incredible. You can't even like brush your finger over my belly. It is in, I am in so much pain. Um, and at that moment, the doctor who, was around when Enzo was delivered, walks in and he, I felt like he was an angel in that moment.
Aisha: And he just walks in, he wasn't supposed to be there. He walks in and he says, we're taking you back. You need to get the baby out right now. Like where you're having your baby girl right now. And so.
Aisha: It was just, it was so fast um, and so different from going through that with Enzo, that it just felt so, like, a whirlwind.
Aisha: Um, you would think that, okay, like, I've been through this, drill, and it [00:20:00] was, Scratch that. Like, this is totally different. It's not at all the same.
Ashley: Because was ENZO's
Ashley: emergent like Eva's
Aisha: With Enzo, I was in
Aisha: the hospital five days before he was born.
Ashley: Oh, right. Okay. And then you literally pulled up to
Ashley: the ER and then were like rushed.
Aisha: yeah, rushed in. And so even down to like with Enzo, I was awake during delivery. Um, it was an emergency C section, but I was able, like, I was conscious with with, Eval, I'm like.
Aisha: I'm rolling away,
Aisha: signing the papers, that who knows what the papers say, and Andy is like in the room, and I just look at him, and we don't even have words to say, like, what do you say to each other, and so I'm being wheeled away.
Aisha: We don't say a word to each other. We just lock eyes.
Aisha: And the next thing I know I'm in the OR and the anesthesiologist comes in, who also wasn't supposed to be there. And he says, All right, I'm going [00:21:00] to count it, you know, backwards from 10. And I was like, wait, wait, wait, I'm not going to be awake. Like I didn't even realize that I
Aisha: wasn't going to be awake for that.
Aisha: And they're like, no, honey, we need to get in right now. And so they like knocked me out. I'm unconscious. And the next thing I know, I'm awake in the recovery room.
Ashley: Mm mm.
Aisha: And it was, it's impossible to explain the feeling of waking up and time being like erased almost like you don't even know what happened. Um, and my first thought is, is she alive? Did she make it? Um, and you know, I'm, my mom's in the room. My, you know, Andy's in the room and they're like, she's, she's alive. She she's alive.
Aisha: And then uh, just like sobbing, um, in pain, so foggy from like. anesthesia [00:22:00] and in comes in this giant, like, Transformers incubator
Ashley: Yeah.
Aisha: Eva inside of it.
Aisha: And they,
Ashley: to you?
Aisha: they,
Aisha: said, we wanted you
Aisha: to see her
Aisha: before we transferred her to the NICU.
Ashley: Oh my gosh!
Aisha: And so they roll her
Aisha: in and there's like a little teeny Eva, two pounds,
Aisha: so small, and I just start talking, hi baby, hi baby, I'm right here.
Aisha: And then the paramedic is like, she's moving, she's moving when you're talking. And I'm like, just, my heart is bursting. Cause I'm like any, any reassurance that she is okay. That she is, that she hears my voice and feels like you just want to immediately
Ashley: Yeah
Aisha: comfort your baby. Um, And so I'm still grateful for that paramedic for saying that, cause that's like a memory that's just like in my brain that, you know, as soon as she heard my voice, she moved.
Aisha: So she knows me. And [00:23:00] so, and they whisked her away and she got, you know, she, she got transferred and I had to recover. And that is always the worst part
Ashley: Yes.
Aisha: is I'm, we're not even in the same hospital at this point. So, you know, you go from, you know. With Enzo, he was born, we were at the hospital with the NICU, so he just was moved down a couple floors to the NICU and um, so I knew from that time, like, okay, where's the pump?
Ashley: Yeah.
Ashley: Right.
Aisha: pump,
Ashley: Right.
Aisha: hook me up, what do I need to start doing to like
Aisha: go
Aisha: into, to mother mode of just like, I know what I can do and I can pump. And I can recover and I can get myself ready to like prove to these people that I can be discharged and go see my baby. Um,
Ashley: Yeah.
Aisha: so it was, I want to say it was 48 hours before I was released.
Ashley: Mm hmm.
Aisha: And [00:24:00] The day that I left the hospital um, it was very reminiscent of leaving the hospital without Enzo
Ashley: Mm
Ashley: hmm.
Aisha: because you're still leaving in a wheelchair
Ashley: Mm
Ashley: hmm.
Aisha: to the car. And again, I didn't have my baby in my
Aisha: arms and I remember being brought down and being parked right next to another mom with her little baby.
Ashley: Ugh.
Aisha: And holding back tears, trying to be strong and say like, okay, I'm going to see my baby. So this
Aisha: is different.
Ashley: Mm
Ashley: hmm.
Aisha: I'm not going home. I'm going to see my baby. And so, um, Andy picked me up and we drove , it was 45 minutes away. So we drove straight to the NICU.
Ashley: That's a long drive.
Aisha: It was a long
Aisha: drive
Aisha: and the entire drive, we're just in silence.
Aisha: Like we, there are [00:25:00] no, again, there's just no
Aisha: words. You, you have one thing on your mind and it's
Aisha: like, how are we gonna do this? How are we gonna um, you just, you don't even know, you have no idea
Ashley: No.
Aisha: what you're going to do. And so just drive in silence. Um, the feeling of excitement to see your baby. Still is there.
Aisha: You're still, I was still so excited to see her. Andy had been with her and so he had sent pictures and so, and videos. And so I'd seen her through that and I remember getting wheeled up to like the entrance. And they, they ask, you know, I think it was like, for some reason I feel like they were asking me like, Who are you here to visit or something like that like checking in and
Aisha: I remember just saying like I'm the mom and just like bought like instantly just
Aisha: bawling and The reception is kind of just like [00:26:00] go ahead go go go go.
Aisha: Like hurry up go
Aisha: inside and Like we'll figure this out later. Just just go and so in rolling up to her her little Um, little isolate right next to where Enzo was when he was
Aisha: born.
Ashley: mm-Hmm.
Aisha: And it's just like, it all floods back so fast.
Aisha: And I remember pulling up to her little isolate and looking at her and thinking, she looks so much bigger in the pictures.
Ashley: Mm. Yeah.
Aisha: Um, so just like the, the reality of like,
Aisha: she still is this tiny, tiny little baby that's supposed to be in your tummy, supposed to be growing inside of you and still seeing her. Um, it is both heartbreaking, but also as NICU, I [00:27:00] remember thinking several times, like.
Aisha: You get to see how they develop, you get to like something that you don't get to see when they're in your belly, you get to actually witness
Ashley: Mm-Hmm?
Aisha: them getting stronger and growing and gaining weight and doing things out of it's just. It, it's a very, again, very heartbreaking scene, but also a front row seat to, to a miracle.
Ashley: Yeah, very miraculous. Yeah, absolutely. Oh, friend. I'm just a mess over here. I should have worn waterproof mascara for today. I know better than this. Oh, I just, it's like you said, like you're sitting in that silence with your partner and you're just like. I know we have a lot to talk about, but not right now. Like, I know we have a lot to process. Like, what did we just, like, what just happened? Like, and you just kind of have to push that [00:28:00] down for a hot second and be like, okay, I know we have this to talk through and process, but like, that ain't happening right now.
Ashley: Like, and there's just like that sitting in silence and just like, okay, moving on. Like.
Ashley: I'll touch that later. I'll look at that later. Right now, all I care about is baby and it's just, it's, it's just truly, I'm just in awe of mothers every day that, you know, like you wake up from surgery and you're just like, where's my baby?
Ashley: Like, I don't care about me. I don't care about my body. I don't care the fact that like we just went both through like a major surgery and it was life threatening for the both of us. Like I really
Ashley: just only care about
Ashley: my baby. Like it really just, it goes to show just like the power of a mother's love and that we will go to like yeah.
Ashley: Unending lengths to make sure that our baby is safe and okay. And um, I'm just in awe of you and just Yeah, like you said, the divine timing of each turn along the way to the hospital, the moment you got the phone call, you know, it's just [00:29:00] like all these things webbed through just to Eva's arrival is truly um, just miraculous, like you said, and, you know, as a also, preemie mom, it's that duality of like heartbreak and miraculous, like miracle together of like, and I think we can sometimes feel shame for feeling that of like, because of course, at the end of the day, we'd rather them be inside. Like, if we had to choose like, yeah, please just I'll keep them safe here.
Ashley: I'd rather them not have to be hooked up to wires and machines helping them live. And at the same time, it is this like, Whoa, like I, you do get this front row seat into like every intricacy of their bodies forming and just, it's, it's beautiful. And then like a bunch of other people also get to see that, right?
Ashley: Like, it's like, not just you, it's, it's other family members and nurses and staff that quite literally get to watch your baby grow and become the baby that they are today. It's, it's really
Ashley: hard to explain that [00:30:00] feeling.
Aisha: It is. It is so true, the, the duality of, like, feeling, like, that almost guilt of, like, saying, like, but it was kind of really cool
Aisha: to see, you know, there are
Aisha: things that you'd be like, whoa, it just makes,
Ashley: Yeah.
Aisha: it makes you also just so much more in awe of,
Aisha: Your little two pound baby who is fighting so hard and you just are filled with so much pride because you're just like, you are rocking, you are, you're doing something you're not supposed to be doing and you are doing it.
Ashley: Yeah. There really are no words. It's just, I don't know how, like, I'm in awe of, like, NICU
Ashley: professionals that do it every day.
Ashley: I'm like, you have
Ashley: the coolest job.
Aisha: incredible.
Ashley: get to watch these babies every single day. Um, and so, so, you get to visit her, you get to see her and meet her, and that kind of kicks off your NICU journey so Eva was born at 26 weeks at about two pounds, you know So what were some of her [00:31:00] triumphs in the NICU? What were some of her hurdles that she experienced? You know, um, did you commute to your hospital? Was it like your local NICU? You know walk us through just kind of what your day
Ashley: to
Ashley: day looked like.
Aisha: Well, Eva was born March 7th, 2020. And if you recall,
Ashley: Oh
Aisha: about two weeks
Aisha: after
Aisha: that, the world shut down.
Ashley: Yeah. But yeah. Quite literally. Yep,
Aisha: And I remember like reading about like this virus that was like taken over in like Asia and across the pond. So I'm like, well, that sucks. But you know, like. Nothing had like crossed over yet. And then I remember we would hear like, Oh, they found a case
Aisha: somewhere in the state, you know,
Aisha: like the first case. And it's
Aisha: like,
Aisha: Oh man. Okay.
Aisha: Um, but we lived 45 minutes away from the NICU where Eva was at. And the first two weeks we were able to basically just kind of, it was a shared room, so there were I believe there were like nine incubator or nine isolettes um, in the room. And there were quite a few, uh, babies in Eva's pod. Uh, but I remember able to stay 24 hours, no restrictions. We could just stay as long as we wanted. Me and Andy could go in together. [00:32:00] My in laws flew in from California to meet her and my parents were in town and they met her and then the first set of restrictions came, which was only parents allowed to visit.
Aisha: So, you know, luckily both grandparents were able to come in, see her. And then that was shut down. And then we'd kept getting like visits from the coordinator saying like, we're still figuring out like what it is going to happen, but things might be changing. So I just want to give you a warning.
Aisha: Like, we're just trying to do what's best for the babies. And so, you know, we'll keep you posted. And then um, the news came that we would only be able to visit Eva uh, one at a time. So we wouldn't be able to go in together anymore and we would be restricted in time as well because they wanted to give every parent in the pod an opportunity, an equal opportunity to spend time with their baby.
Aisha: So that um, turned out being, [00:33:00] um, two hours each in the day. um, I remember our nurse, was like, we were able to continue to be with Eva that day for the rest of the day as we wanted. And then as we were getting ready to leave, she said. Do you want me to take a picture of all three of you together?
Aisha: Cause it's going to be the last time that
Aisha: you guys are going to be together. And I
Aisha: was
Aisha: like, so shout out to the
Aisha: nurses who think about everything Literally
Aisha: cause that hadn't crossed my mind. So we have our little family picture. It was like the day Eva had gone her CPAP. So
Aisha: she was in her little isolate.
Aisha: were kind of like awkwardly standing behind her, smiling, and, um, and then we left and then our routine was we would. Wake up in the morning and we would drive so that Andy could, or Andy or I could do um, the 9am rounds. So we would drive, One of us would have to stay literally in [00:34:00] the parking lot because we couldn't even go into the hospital.
Aisha: So we would park, we would, you know, one would go up and be with Eva for two hours. And then. We would switch off and then I would get to, whoever was in second would get to also be part of, because we were on like every three hours for rounds and so we timed it where each were present for one set of rounds and doing all the, the, you know, diaper change and temperature and all that kind of fun, fun stuff that we get to do because it really was in that time.
Aisha: That's what you look forward to. You're like, I just want to do like a, what does a mom do? Like changes diapers. And
Ashley: Yeah.
Aisha: so, um, we just, we really did. We looked forward to be able to doing such a simple task that, you know, so often you hear people complaining about like, who's going to
Aisha: do the
Aisha: most in the baby
Aisha: showers, you hear like.
Aisha: Who's going to change the most diapers, mom or dad. And it's kind of like this [00:35:00] joke and we're
Aisha: I would change all
Ashley: Like
Aisha: you know, like,
Ashley: I'm like,
Ashley: no, I wanna do it.
Aisha: let me do it. So, so yeah, that became our little routine for the next 82 days while Eva was in the, in the NICU. Um, and then we would go home and we'd have a full day.
Aisha: Cause he wasn't going into work. I wasn't working and we just, it was. What do you do? You can't go be with your baby. She's all that's in your mind and nothing else. You can't distract yourself with like anything else. Cause nothing was open.
Ashley: Yeah. Right.
Aisha: So we would just sit in our little apartment
Aisha: and
Aisha: I would call like every 20 minutes, how's, how's everything good.
Ashley: Mm-Hmm.
Aisha: And, um, and so just, it was a process of finding a rhythm at home too. And finding ways to, to [00:36:00] be with each other and strengthen our relationship through it all process, a lot of what was going on and, and Eva's NICU stay was pretty uneventful for the most part. She had um, a little bit, she had one incident during her NICU stay where she got an infection and it was a pretty scary um, and, and her, it's so crazy because Through it all, again, Enzo's life was so, it wasn't like she was born and now Enzo was, back of my mind, they were equally like taking up the same amount of space in, in my, In my mind and heart. And, and, you know, it is like when you have multiple children and I can imagine so many NICU moms who had kids at home and the feeling of how do you navigate that?
Aisha: Like it was very similar for me too. I did, [00:37:00] I felt like he was so present in my mind through it all because of all the similarities. Um, because you're also wondering what it would have been like if he had um, survived and been in the NICU. Um, and the day that she was really, really sick, I went in and it was.
Aisha: So evident that she wasn't doing okay. She was just so still and um, you know, she, that day she, had had like a spinal tap and just so many invasive procedures to like, try to figure out the root of why she was not responding well. And, and. I'm sitting there holding your little hand and I remember noticing I'm not the only one in here and I was like, that's weird.
Aisha: We're, you know, [00:38:00] there's, we're not allowed to be with other people in this room. And so as I'm listening, dividers are going up and I start listening to a conversation that I knew very well. And. Then the family that was in the, I isolette next to us where Enzo was was receiving the very same news that we had to receive.
Aisha: And I remember listening to the mom and what came out of her the sound that is unexplainable. The sound that comes out of a mom when she's being told that her baby's not going to make it. And so I remember being there and looking at my baby
Aisha: and thinking, how can I be there for that mom right now?
Ashley: Mm-Hmm.
Aisha: [00:39:00] And I think it was like the first time that I realized. That we could use our pain help others navigate theirs,
Aisha: because I knew exactly what she was feeling.
Ashley: Yeah.
Aisha: And so,
Aisha: again, it was just a reminder that Enzo's life, even though it was so short, the impact of his life is going to continue on for the rest of my life.
Aisha: And, um, and so I,
Aisha: I just remember talking to a nurse and saying, can I write her a letter? Can I, you know, I, I just want her to know that she's not alone.
Ashley: Mm-Hmm.
Aisha: And, you know, unfortunately
Aisha: that wasn't [00:40:00] possible um, because of just the, you know, PIPA laws and everything. But, but I just remember what I would have given to be able to connect with her.
Aisha: And um, and so, um, Eva recovered from her infection and, and, the rest of our stay was really just hoping that she would continue to develop and um, get stronger. And, I think our biggest challenge was feeding and, um. and, we did end up coming home, um, from the NICU with an NG tube because, um, she, she was aspirating and so they just didn't feel like it was safe to continue to, to try um, any oral feeds.
Aisha: So they asked us if we were comfortable with going home with a feeding tube and we said, yeah.
Ashley: yeah,
Aisha: you know. We learned how to do that.
Ashley: became
Aisha: and [00:41:00] yeah, we, we totally
Aisha: did. And, um, man, if you, you know, looking back at us as new parents, the things that you learn how to do,
Aisha: um, my mother in law, when she came to visit us, once we were home, she said, you guys are pros, like.
Aisha: I remember being a first time mom and not knowing what the heck I was doing. And like, and you guys know, it's just,
Ashley: Yeah,
Aisha: have to learn. You, I mean, we, we'd been trained to do
Aisha: this, so we
Aisha: would
Aisha: just like, she would just look at us in awe cause we just had our, we, we, we knew what we were doing. We knew the cues we were in the like schedule.
Aisha: And she was just like, I'm blown away by how well you know how to
Ashley: yeah, yeah,
Aisha: So,
Aisha: so
Aisha: yeah,
Ashley: So miraculous. It is like one of those things where you like, You're like coming home looks so different than what [00:42:00] you envision coming home with your you know, it's like, okay, I'm I'm a mom I'm a NICU mom. I'm a medical mom and like then you get launched into the after of just Endless appointments and checkups and things like that.
Ashley: And it just, you're so grateful to be home and you're also like, whoa, okay, again, I'll deal with what just happened later. I now am like, okay, we don't have the support of nurses anymore. We're just, here we are. And so I, I did want to come back to one thing is, you know, how did it feel for you and Andy to leave the hospital with a baby and to be the ones walking out of the hospital with a car seat?
Ashley: You know, like,
Ashley: what was that like for you
Ashley: guys?
Aisha: it was blissful. We know truly it was, we probably a few days before that we were going to be coming home I knew like that they sing a little song when you're leaving. Cause I had heard other like neighbors been discharged before us. And so I was [00:43:00] like, just looking forward to like, they're going to sing us our little song and we're
Aisha: going to.
Aisha: And our nurse makes like these little graduation caps for NICU grads, you know, she had already brought that and
Aisha: there was this bubbling excitement of like, we're going home. Of course, we like to make things complicated. And so we were actually moving
Ashley: Oh
Ashley: god.
Aisha: the same day that we were discharged.
Aisha: So at home, we were very much.
Aisha: Occupied with like moving our apartments
Ashley: Yeah.
Aisha: and packing everything up. Um, and, um, I like decorated our car with like NICU grad signs all over. And, you know, I just wanted people to know like we are coming home. And so, uh, it was really special to. to. finally, like, be holding my little stroller. [00:44:00] She's in it. And we're, we're rolling out, you know?
Aisha: And, and the emotional, like, your family is the NICU nurses that have taken care of you and your baby while you've been in the NICU. And so the emotions of saying goodbye to them and thanking them
Aisha: and, you know,
Aisha: Knowing like, they're always there, adding them on Facebook and like, we're going to keep in touch and uh, we want to know how Eva does. And so it just a, a very emotional, exciting um, day. And we came home to an empty apartment. We still had like, One more night at our old apartment, and we did not sleep that night. We just watched Tua all night. And I remember whispering to Andy like, Are you asleep? And he'd say, No. And I'd be like, Me neither.
Aisha: And we would just watch her. And I think it was a mixture of just like, Is [00:45:00] this really, like, real life? And So scared of, oh my gosh, like, what if she stops breathing? So it's like this mix again, like we just, our journey was just such a mix of both. Like. Anxiety and fear and heartbreak and also joy and beauty and awe and wonder.
Aisha: It's just, we have, I would say that's almost like the biggest lesson for us is just that they can coexist. Like that's, that's how we were existing for the last 82 days. Um, Was living in both of those tensions.
Ashley: Wild. Oh, I did not know you guys were
Ashley: moving. I know.
Ashley: I
Aisha: as if things weren't complicated enough
Ashley: know. Why not?
Ashley: add another layer? Why not?
Aisha: this point.
Ashley: Oh man. Well. I can just imagine how [00:46:00] that felt to be leaving the hospital and I'm so glad that you allowed yourself to celebrate and to really just make it special and memorable and I think sometimes as NICU moms we're scared to like quote jinx it or be like oh am I being too excited am I being too and so I'm just so glad that you just allowed yourself to just revel in that moment and just Really feel it and celebrate it and bring others in with you on that.
Ashley: And that first night, yeah, you don't sleep. You're just like, you're just waiting and watching. And like, I remember touching Silas's chest like every five
Ashley: seconds. I'm like, okay, we're good.
Aisha: Yes, yes,
Ashley: Well, wow. Okay. It's so hard to know like how to close out an episode like this because I have so many questions. And I feel like these stories could be four parts long because it's like the pregnancy, the delivery, the NICU stay, the at home, and now she's going to be four.
Ashley: And it's like those could be four episodes alone. But maybe as a closing, I'd love to just hear from you of, you know, you're four years out from [00:47:00] your experience and Eva is a wonder. She is just, I love her so much. I had the chance to meet her this past summer and she's really remarkable. I was just like staring at her.
Ashley: She's just so curious about the world and you guys just have this special, special connection. It's just evident. It's palpable. Like the two of you and Andy, I mean, the three of you together are just like truly a unit. It's so miraculous to see up close. Um, but I wonder, you know, you've had these four years to heal and just process your experience more fully and in depth.
Ashley: And so, you know, what encouragement And hope would you give to NICU mothers who either are A um, pregnant after loss or previous premature delivery and B, just like, you know, what hope do you give to be, you know,
Ashley: four years out from the whole experience?
Aisha: Hmm. Well, I always say that Enzo gave us a new [00:48:00] perspective in life with his life and Eva is teaching us how to walk gracefully in
Aisha: it.
Ashley: I love
Aisha: She
Aisha: is.
Aisha: Truly, like you said, our greatest teacher at this moment in life. Um,
Aisha: and it's just such an honor to, to, to watch her grow and become the
Aisha: little young lady that she is becoming.
Aisha: Um, but really what I would encourage, um, any mama walking through a similar journey is to like Eva be curious and. Allow yourself to be open to the moment at hand and to never stop noticing those little fragments that are always around us, that are teaching us, that are showing us a new way.
Ashley: Mm hmm.
Aisha: I think
Aisha: I said this with Enzo is [00:49:00] sometimes you want to walk around with your hands clenched closed because you don't want to risk losing anything and you're so scared and so you just walk around with with fists and and you build up a lot of anger and And resentment and those are all such natural responses.
Aisha: So a, be gentle with yourself and don't feel bad. If that's where you are right now in life, if that, if you're walking around and you have your fist clenched closed, don't be mad at yourself or don't feel bad about that because that's so natural. It is. We are human. That is so natural, but I hope, and my hope for you is that one day you can.
Aisha: Start to loosen that grip and invite life back into your, your life, because there is just so much to live. And, and that's what we've been learning to do is just to, to accept and embrace the life that we are given [00:50:00] and, and make it
Aisha: worthwhile because we're only here for so long, so
Aisha: like
Ashley: Uh,
Aisha: to
Aisha: make it
Aisha: count.
Ashley: oh, that's so beautiful. Oh, that's the
Ashley: ending.
Aisha: Done.
Ashley: I mean, that is, that is, I mean, mamas, we leave you with that. Like Aisha summed it up so beautifully of just like, a, there's no shame if that's where you are in your healing journey. And B there is hope to be able to feel that life again. And, um. That's our, that's our close. I have nothing to say. Yep. That's it. That's
Ashley: the one.
Aisha: sending, sending, so much love to all the NICU mamas out there who are listening. You are not alone. And it's, it's an honor and privilege to be able to [00:51:00] share our journey with you. And I hope that you feel seen in it.
Ashley: absolutely.
Ashley: Well, mamas, we
Ashley: love
Aisha: thank you for this space.
Ashley: Oh, girl, thank you so much for sharing your story. And I've It's just an honor to call you friend and to hear the miraculous stories of both of your babies and to all of our last mamas listening, know that we honor your babies as well. I hope that is so evident throughout this episode of that. They will never be forgotten. Their lives are forever embedded. And to you and your motherhood story, and we are committed to honoring and celebrating them. And to all of our mamas who resonate with pieces of Asha's story, just know that there is hope and that, like Asha said, you are not alone. And so we love you so much.
Ashley: We are just so honored to share this space with you. We will be back next week. But um, We hope that you can care for your heart after this episode and really just revel in how remarkable of a mother , you are [00:52:00] and how special you are to this community. So love you mamas. We'll be back next week.
Ashley & Aisha: Thank you so much for listening to the Dear NICU Mama podcast. If you loved this episode, we'd be so grateful for a review. For more ways to connect with the Dear NICU Mama Sisterhood, check out the links in the episode description.
