"You Are Enough, Angel Mama" Love, Nicole

“You are enough, even when you become an angel mama. This is not how it was supposed to be, and there is nothing that can fill the aching hole in your heart. You planned to count those ten toes over and over again, kiss their soft skin, and raise them for the rest of your life.

We saw your relief when you heard your baby’s weak cry. We saw your plans pivot as your baby was rushed to the NICU, only to pivot again to brace for the unimaginable - a life without your baby.

We saw you cry, beg, and barter with the nurses and doctors to bring your baby back. You may question what you could have done differently and blame yourself for that one missed prenatal vitamin, but this was not your fault.

We see your guilt for the relief you feel knowing your baby is no longer in pain, but no parent should ever outlive their child. No mother should have to plan their baby’s funeral, select a delicate urn, return unopened baby gifts, or repack never worn baby clothes.

We see you craving to hear others speak your baby’s name, hesitating to bring it up but  wanting the world to know of their precious existence. We see you cringe and calculate how to answer the innocent question, “How many kids do you have?”

We see you pulling yourself together for your loved ones and wondering if they think you should be doing better by now, but there is no expiration date for a grieving mama. Just as a mother loves her child forever, your grief and love for yours is no different.

You may wonder if your baby knows how loved they are, that you still speak their name, and that their existence is etched in every fiber of your being. Your baby knows that your heart beats for them and that your arms will always ache for them.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve and remember your baby. Smiling, laughing, and singing does not mean you’ve moved on or forgotten them, it means that you are moving forward in life with your angel. You honor their existence by continuing to live for them.

Angel mama, whether your baby was born sleeping or lived a minute, a day, weeks or months - you are enough. You will always be that angel's mama, and that angel will always be your baby.”

Love,
Nicole

This letter was written by the remarkable Nicole for our “You Are Enough” series. Read below to hear more about her NICU journey with her twin girls:

“I’m a twin mama to my beautiful girls Harper and Avery. I had mono-di twin girls at 26 weeks and 3 days. My pregnancy came with many complications due to my small stature and Avery (Twin B) had IUGR, and low Amnio fluid. We were in and out of the hospital for extra monitoring of Avery’s growth and fluid levels. 

Just before reaching 25 weeks my uterus decided it was at capacity and doctors suspected placental abruption. I was admitted to the hospital for the 3rd time, where I remained for the following 10 days. I was grateful to get two rounds of steroids for the girls and kept on magnesium to slow the contractions for 3 days until I spiked a fever and was rushed in for an emergency c-section. Harper was born weighing 1 lb 15 oz and Avery at 1lb 7 oz. Both girls were doing well after delivery and on CPAP from the start. We were so relieved they were here and alive and we prepared ourselves for a long NICU stay while being over an hour from home. Avery started to struggle with feeds after a few days and doctors became worried about an infection. Things went from bad to worse very quickly, and we lost our sweet Avery at 15 days old to necrotizing enterocolitis (NEC). It was and is a very hard thing to come to terms with on a daily basis. I found myself going through a series of emotions as I navigated how to grieve for Avery and still be strong for her sister who was continuing to fight for her life. All while going through the emotional tolls of a NICU stay and being postpartum.   Our surviving twin, Harper continued to excel in the NICU and came home to us after 66 days. She’s a little miracle and fighter, and we know she carries her sister Avery with her in this life. We’re grateful every day for our girl, and keep our angel baby in our lives every day. Butterflies symbolize twinless twins, so on their birthday we do a butterfly release in Avery’s honor. We’ll be celebrating their 2nd birthday this October.”

xo
Nicole