Love, Carrie

“Dear NICU Mama, When I look back on 2021, I see a woman who has been transformed. I see a woman who is now filled with pride to be called, “mama!” A woman whose heart has grown to know the greatest and most vulnerable love, all while fighting her way through the deepest pain her heart has ever felt.

I see a mama who has given her whole self to this new life. This new life that came into the world needing more of her than she was prepared for. This new life that has changed how she sees, feels, understands, and experiences the world around her and has changed her to her core.

As I look back, I see a woman that at times desperately wanted her old self back. Her old self before the NICU. Before the missed golden hour snuggles, the trauma, and before grieving  what she thought her delivery experience would be. The woman before she felt what it meant to leave her heart behind, while simultaneously bursting with joy as she got to hold her baby for the first time. The woman before she questioned if this would always be who she was as a mama, or if the NICU had fully shaped every decision, thought, and feeling in motherhood.

But this is your story. This is your baby’s story! I look back on 2021 and I see a mama who has taken these challenges and conquered so many fears. I see a year of hardships alongside immense joy and pride. I see a mama who has found a strength inside her that she didn’t know was there. I see a mama who can simultaneously grieve the vision she had bringing her child into the world, and also celebrate all that they have survived. I see a woman who has dug deep to find the ability to keep going, when all she wanted to do was crumble. 

I see you mama, and I see the fighter that you are for you and your baby. Whether the NICU is your present or your past, you are surrounded by so much love. Cheers to you NICU mama.”

Love,
Carrie

More of Carrie + Olsen’s NICU Journey:

“My sweet baby girl, Olsen, was born at 41 weeks and 1 day. After having a full term/uncomplicated pregnancy, I was nowhere near prepared to enter into the NICU. After a grueling induction process and 20 hour labor, she was transported immediately from our hospital to a hospital across town to receive a higher level of care. I never even got to see her face before she was swept away. She had swallowed meconium and it aspirated her lungs, which led to a long list of other complications. Her primary concern was a diagnosis of mild Hypoxic Ischemic Encephalopathy and respiratory failure. Her body was cooled for 72 hours and then rewarmed over 24 hours. This was in hopes of protecting her brain and any damage that might’ve occurred.

Eleven days later after numerous treatments, monitoring for seizures, x-rays, MRIs, respiratory treatments, and not being able to even touch her in fear of overstimulating her, I finally held my baby girl. To have her in my arms was an absolute miracle. Six days after that, she finally got a hold of feeding and was off of the NG-tube. I never knew how obsessed I would become with watching how many milliliters she was drinking.

 After 17 days of unknowns, our girl finally came home! She is a true miracle and turning one in January! She has had a million follow up observations/assessments and will until she is three. Only NICU mamas know that you may leave the NICU but it never leaves you. She is the strongest, most badass little human. She has changed our lives and we are forever grateful for her recovery. Olsen has the most joyful soul and the world is better with her in it.”