S8 Ep 12 Transcription
S8 E12 | Happy Mother’s Day, NICU Mama
Ashley & Aisha: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Dear NICU Mama Podcast. This podcast is a safe place to connect with other NICU moms by listening to interviews with trauma informed medical and maternal mental health experts, remarkable stories from the NICU, and intentional roundtable conversations. Our hope is that you feel like you're sitting across the table from another NICU sister and feel seen and validated in your experience.
Ashley & Aisha: No matter where you are on your healing journey, this podcast is here to remind you that you are not alone. Welcome to the Sisterhood.
Ashley: Hello and happy early Mother's Day. This week's episode is a very special mini episode, all in honor of Mother's Day coming up. Happy early Mother's Day, Aisha!
Aisha: Happy early Mother's Day, Ash. You are such a wonderful mom.
Ashley: Oh, you are such a wonderful mom. I wish our kids could go to the aquarium
Ashley: together.
Ashley: You're being such a fun parent and bringing Ava to the aquarium tonight, and I just wish I [00:01:00] could get us on a plane
Ashley: and join you.
Aisha: We would love nothing more. She has been begging for the last month, so it was the only free night we had, and we're like, okay, we're going to the aquarium.
Ashley: We're
Ashley: doing it.
Aisha: She loves the aquarium. I wish I texted you this week. I said, I wish we could live together because or you know together too I mean,
Ashley: Be
Ashley: roommates.
Aisha: I have nothing against living together either but live close together because it was just one of those weeks where I was like, I just want to go to Ash's house and Not have to like dress up or anything, but just go in my sweatpants.
Aisha: Let the kids run around and just Sit on the
Aisha: couch with you. So,
Ashley: It would literally be the
Ashley: dream. Um, we, so Aisha drove, or didn't drive, she flew to Fargo for our last year's fundraising event. And honestly, my favorite part of that whole weekend was afterwards, it was like, what, uh, 10 or 11 p. m., we got McDonald's. And then we ate it on my kitchen [00:02:00] counter. Like, we sat on the kitchen counter, ate McDonald's, Diet Coke, fries, the whole thing.
Ashley: And now, every time I go to McDonald's, I think of you. And I'm like, I wish I was with Aisha
Ashley: right now.
Aisha: it was so glorious. That was, I remember too. Cause you were like, I want to take you to like a cool restaurant and let's go. But everything was closed after the event and we just kind of like. Well, what's open? McDonald's? Okay. I am not above
Aisha: McDonald's. yes,
Ashley: never go wrong with
Aisha: I have pictures. Oh my gosh.
Aisha: That was so, it was like the satisfaction of like the greasy fries and the coke. Oh my
Aisha: gosh. Yeah. That was probably my favorite too. Yeah. And hopefully I get to come to Fargo soon. So
Ashley: we're planning
Aisha: my fam.
Ashley: cannot wait.
Aisha: Ashley, like you said, we're going to be talking about Mother's Day and we know that Mother's Day comes with a lot of
Aisha: everything.
Aisha: Um, [00:03:00] especially if you were in the NICU, um, for your first Mother's Day or even after when you're home, um, and NICU, Mother's Day, um, when you have a baby in the NICU can be It can bring up a lot of emotions. And so we thought as always, that it would be nice to just give gentle reminders to moms, NICU moms, um, that listen, that it's okay.
Aisha: If you're not feeling like you want to be celebrated, if you just want to be alone and take time to just be on your own, or if you want to have people over or whatever it is that your heart needs. needs that you give yourself permission to do just that. Um, and I was wondering, Ashley, I don't know, did you have Mother's Day in the NICU or were you home?
Aisha: Because you were January. Yep. So you were home by your first Mother's Day.
Ashley: Yep.
Ashley: Yeah,
Aisha: And how was
Aisha: that? [00:04:00]
Ashley: It was good. I think, um You know, I want to preface something that Martha and I used to talk about a lot like early on in our friendship is like, you know, I think everybody has a very different style of celebrating. It kind of goes back to that birthday episode we talked about where like some moms want to throw the party and like want to get together and some moms want to process more privately and more intimately.
Ashley: And I remember early on in our friendship, Martha would be like, I just feel like you You're so much more healed than me because you want to have these parties. And I was always gently reminding her, like, it's strictly a personality thing.
Aisha: Mm hmm.
Ashley: just like personality and preference and has nothing to do with level of healing.
Ashley: Because I looked at her and I was like, she is remarkably healing. And like, I admire so many parts of her healing journey. And so, you know, I want to preface before I share that, celebrating in a large celebration does not measure the length to which you have [00:05:00] healed, I guess is what I want to reiterate.
Ashley: So, like, when you hear me talk about wanting to celebrate, that does not mean that I've done more healing or that I was more healed. It truly just comes down to, like, personality preference and what my heart felt available for. And so, I think social media can always be this, like, constant comparison of, like, Why can't I just celebrate like she can?
Ashley: Or why do I want to be more private? And I think the most important thing on holidays like Mother's Day or birthdays or anniversaries is that you check in with your heart and you honor what feels safe and good for you. And so with that being said, I wanted to celebrate and I, so we didn't do like an extravagant thing by any means but we did like get together the family and like I was just so excited to be home from the NICU and like Mother's Day.
Ashley: in our climate here is like when it finally starts to get nice out. So I remember like around Mother's Day was when we went on like our first stroller walk and there was just some of those things that came to play. But with that being [00:06:00] said, um, I think my first Mother's Day was A. I was so grateful to be home because Silas came home end of March and then I was also, I had to be really careful of how I digested social media because All of the stuff I saw was the golden hour births, the um, the pregnancy throughout, like it was just all of these reminders of milestones that I felt like I missed out on and so even though I was so grateful to be home I just felt like I didn't belong and I just felt like I was like this other kind of mom who had this like traumatic experience that I couldn't relate to anybody else, you know what I mean?
Ashley: And so I guess with that being said, I'm just yapping now, but, um, I think it was the first time. actively that I had to practice the holding of joy and grief at the same time. And like, and it was the outside of the NICU for the first time. It was probably like the first tangible experience I [00:07:00] remember of like, okay, I'm so grateful to be home and I'm so I'm grieving what I've missed out on and that I just can't feel like I can, like, relate to other moms in the room with me.
Ashley: Um, we go to church, and so, like, I remember at the churches, you always stand up with all the moms, and I just felt like I was standing, but I still felt like I wasn't.
Aisha: Yep.
Aisha: Yep.
Ashley: So that was a very long answer, but, um, that was, that was my first experience. But I would love to know from you, were you in the NICU over Mother's Day
Aisha: Yeah. So,
Ashley: my gosh. How did I not know that? I feel
Aisha: No, No, Well, cause her, um, Ava's birthday or her due date was supposed to be June 8th and she was born March. And so we actually were able to go home maybe two weeks after Mother's Day because she came home on the 29th of May. So I did, I was in the NICU for, for Mother's Day, but it was [00:08:00] like, At the very end where it was just kind of like that, wait and see, um, her big holdup, um, at that point was just feeding.
Aisha: She just wasn't, um, getting that.
Ashley: I'm nodding. Cause I'm like, yeah,
Aisha: So, but yeah. And so, well, I just wanted to say though, that so grateful that you said that, because I do think that it is important to make that distinction of like, um, what you want to do and how you want to. celebrate in those milestone moments, like Mother's Day or holidays
Aisha: does not equate to like how healed you are. I think that that is so beautiful. And I think in my own experience, cause I too tend to be like more like, let's go out and like do it all big.
Aisha: I do notice that there's a bit of me that wants to kind of be distracted,
Aisha: So it is kind of like a coping mechanism for me in, um, in particular. [00:09:00] So I do think that that was so important to share that because I do want to make sure that everybody feels like whatever they want is okay.
Ashley: hmm.
Aisha: Um, so thank you for that long answer. It was exactly what we needed. So,
Ashley: Well, and you also bring up a good point though of like I think sometimes we can see, like, distraction as a bad thing and, like, oh, I'm just avoiding, right? And I think there is a level of that, of, like, checking in with your heart and being like, okay, to what level are we distracting? But also, like, distraction can be, like, a way to just get through the day, especially if it is really tender, and that's not bad.
Ashley: Like, if, you know, I remember, counselor once said, like, if you just, like, need to mentally check out and you don't want to scroll on social media, play a game on your phone for 20 minutes. She's like, it's okay to not think about it all the time or to, like, do something to, like, really briefly distract you from living in that traumatic place too.
Ashley: So I think [00:10:00] that's a good point of, like, sometimes there is that level of distraction embedded in it and that doesn't necessarily mean it's wrong or that it's any less meaningful or celebratory. It's just, like, a way to, like, Get through that moment in a way that feels
Aisha: Yes, exactly. Exactly. Oh, you,
Ashley: I'm not a counselor, but
Aisha: that so beautifully. Oh my goodness. Okay. Um, but yeah, I did. And I, so I have the unique, um, experience of also my first first mother's day was, um, after Enzo had died. And, um, I actually just wrote about it recently on my social media because. It's one of those things that I didn't even realize that there was such a thing as a bereaved Mother's Day.
Aisha: Um, and so I remember that I actually received flowers from a friend. And I was so like taken aback, like, why am [00:11:00] I receiving flowers? Um, and like the moment of realizing like, well, I am a mom, you know, I, even though I don't have my baby earthside, I still gave birth to him.
Aisha: He still existed. He grew in my womb. Um, and, um, so that was very, um, hard, but it also was. So validating. And I am forever grateful for that friend who thought of that gesture of just saying like, I want to recognize you. Um, and so to any lost mama that might be listening, um, and is having that conflicting emotion of, but I don't have my baby, how can I be celebrated or honored in this time?
Aisha: Um, you. Did carry your baby [00:12:00] and you love your baby and that's what we celebrate when we celebrate Mother's Day. We really are just celebrating a love that is like no other and It doesn't matter how long they were here. Um, but that love, it just, it lasts forever. And it's, and it doesn't take away, um, the fact that, um, you are a mom.
Aisha: Um, and so just wanted to, to mention that because I know for me, it has been a process of accepting, um, uh, especially that first year of accepting. I'm still a mom to Enzo. And so I do try to every year honor him. on Mother's Day and just remember him and that he was the boy who made me a mom. Um, and with Ava, I was in the NICU and we were so close, like I said, to being home that I [00:13:00] think I just had all of the, like, exciting emotions of, like, we're so close.
Aisha: Like, this is the first thing that makes me actually feel like a mom because, um, you know, I, I have my baby that I can go in and I remember like, I was just going to spend two hours cause that's all I was allowed, but I wasn't to go spend my two hours with my baby girl. And, um, the, they had like little presents for us.
Aisha: They, they did a little, like a little flower pot with her feet print. And,
Ashley: Oh
Aisha: They gave us like a beautiful, like a necklace with like a picture of our babies on them. So like they went above and beyond to make, um, us moms in the NICU feel celebrated and loved. And I think, yeah, for me it was always, that day was just like the excitement of like, oh my goodness, like I'm, I get to be. Celebrated and I actually get to be with my baby. [00:14:00] And, um, so I had that like excitement of all of, of that. And then also with the, the, you know, possibility of being home soon. So it was just, I think a very like exciting moment for me. Um, and then ever since it's, it, it. It's like, I don't know for you, Ash, if you feel like this, like, sometimes we have like this expectation of what Mother's Day is going to be like.
Ashley: immediately picture a sundress. I don't know why. I'm like, we all are supposed to wear sundresses
Ashley: And just be like floating. As if, like, all of our responsibilities ceased to exist that day.
Aisha: like, we're going to be woken up with breakfast in bed and not have to make any decisions for the rest of the day. Um, but it has been. Yeah, I think Mother's Day for me has always been like a little bit of a reality check to like,
Ashley: Yeah.
Aisha: you know, this is [00:15:00] Not what social media paints it to be all the time, but it is like, what an honor to be able to have this title and to care for someone and love someone as much as we do.
Aisha: And so, yeah, I think for me, Mother's Day is kind of like this, like both. And like.
Ashley: Yeah. to be celebrated and I want to like get the flowers and I want my husband to think of all the things that I will do for him for father's day. Um, but it's not always like that. And then it's just like, Having the opportunity to take the moment to say, it wasn't what I thought it was going to be. I am so grateful to be here right now and have my little girl come in and give me a stuffed animal saying, here, I got this for you. And I want you to think of me. So, so yeah, but
Ashley: Yeah, [00:16:00] I'm totally with you. I think, um,
Aisha: Yep.
Ashley: it's just the empath in me. Um, I think too, since becoming a NICU mom, I'm so aware of the fact that, like, there are moms In the NICU there are moms who have lost, like yourself, there are moms that, um, have babies that come home from the NICU and also come home from the NICU with significant medical complexities and, and um, I think it's just, I'm always thinking of mom.
Ashley: Everybody. You know what I mean? I'm just like, I hope this mom feels celebrated and I hope this mom feels celebrated and I hope this mom feels honored because she needs to be honored, too. Um, and so, yeah, I think, I think it kind of is similar to birthdays where every year it feels a little bit more natural to celebrate yourself.
Ashley: Maybe part of that's just the part of becoming a mother, right? Like, we're always becoming, we're always growing and evolving. Um, you know, when so much of our [00:17:00] life is about our babies and we wouldn't change that for the world, it can feel uncomfortable to receive that on a day. And like, you know, again, feel recognized and like we fit in with typical motherhood spaces.
Ashley: And so I think the, the, the. The more Mother's Day is under my belt, I think I'm, I'm stepping more and more into that of just, like, allowing myself to be celebrated and looking forward to the day and just, like, really just celebrating my Mother's Day story, even though it looked different than what I thought it would, and I also want to make note to, um, um, It was kind of the spur of the moment idea, but I was thinking a lot about like, you know, typical motherhood campaigns and different things like that.
Ashley: And one thing that we are doing at Dear NICU mama is you can opt into a separate email subscription that daily delivers a Dear NICU mama letter to you leading up to Mother's Day. So we started these on May 1st all the way through May 12th and our hope with that is that you can receive a letter that, that, that echoes [00:18:00] something in your story, right?
Ashley: So even like I mentioned when I was seeing those golden hour photos or even like bump photos, things that I feel like I missed out on. It's, it's kind of this letter of hope that just reminds me that there are other moms who've had similar experiences to mine and or understand the very unique journey of what it means to be a NICU mom and so that is still available.
Ashley: There are a few more letters to be sent out so we will make sure to leave those in the show notes as well so that if you'd like to receive a letter of hope daily it gets directed to you. Directly delivered to your inbox. So that is an option.
Aisha: those, those have been so beautiful to read. Every time I get one in my inbox, it's just a, it's also like, gives me the opportunity to like, stop what I'm doing and just read it. And like, that gives you just space to be like, just been, I loved that idea. We have to figure out how to do more things like that because it was, it is such a beautiful invitation to just reflect [00:19:00] on your journey too.
Aisha: So that was so beautiful.
Ashley: Yeah. No, it's been fun, too. We have over 200 published letters, so I've just been going through the archives. It's been so fun to, like, go back and remember when we first published these letters and letters that were published back in, like, 2019
Aisha: my gosh.
Ashley: really fun to look back.
Ashley: But one thing that we wanted to do in this episode is just hear from a couple of mamas. So we have a couple of stories to read aloud and then we have a really beautiful voicemail to include in the episode. But we, Aisha, do you want to talk a little bit about the prompt
Aisha: Yes, of course. So we just wanted to give, um, the moms in our community the space to share how they honor their journeys. Whether they spent it in the NICU or at home. Um, we just wanted to hear like, well, how did you, or how do you honor your journey in this time? And [00:20:00] so we got a few, uh, responses and
Aisha: I'm going to read the first one from Sarah and it says, Good morning. Here is my Mother's Day story. Last year for Mother's Day, my youngest son, Zach, was still in the middle of his NICU journey. My mom also started chemotherapy for cancer treatment a day before.
Aisha: Just a few days before Mother's Day, and she lives 900 miles away. I was so torn on how I was going to spend Mother's Day, wanting to be with both of my boys and my mom. Fortunately, Zach was stable and with the encouragement of my husband and the wonderful NICU staff, I was able to fly to be with my mom for her first chemotherapy treatment.
Aisha: I flew home on Mother's Day and was able to see my mom. And both my sons on Mother's Day. It was so special. And I was so thankful I could be with the people I love most NICU moms are so resilient and they do what seems impossible every day.
Aisha: I'm excited to celebrate my first Mother's Day with both [00:21:00] of my boys together this weekend, but I'll never forget the wonderful people who made last year possible.
Ashley: Oh, I love that.
Aisha: That was so beautiful. And again, just the reminder of, like, the resilience of moms in the NICU. And, um, That, that was just such a beautiful story and I'm so glad that she gets to celebrate with both her kiddos home,
Ashley: Yeah,
Ashley: beautiful. so beautiful.
Ashley: And the last one we have is from Yvette, and she writes, I spent my first Mother's Day home! My 28 weeker developed neck when she was 10 days old and came home at 4 months with the colostomy bag.
Ashley: It was hard and devastating. So much work from making sure her sodium levels were maintained to three times a week appointments. Then, while having issues with making sure her bag fit as she was growing so fast, the surgeon decided she needed the reconnection surgery sooner than later. This will [00:22:00] be the second attempt to reconnect her, as the first attempt not only failed, but 90 percent of her bowel left her body. On May 8th, 2023, the Monday before Mother's Day, we entered the children's hospital for hopefully the last time. A few hours later, my baby pulled through. I moved into the hospital thinking two weeks recovery. Little did I know she healed quickly, gave them a poop within 24 hours, and began drinking my breast milk well.
Ashley: We were home on the Friday before Mother's Day, and I got to spend my first mommy's day with a happy baby. That is so beautiful! And also, like, celebrating that poop with you! NICU moms know how big of a deal it is to poop. So, that is remarkable. Thank you so much for sharing
Aisha: yes. We love that. And we love that we, in our community and in our sisterhood, we just have such a A beautiful array of experiences and journeys, and I think that that's what I love most about all of this [00:23:00] is just, like you said, the value of seeing a glimpse of your own story in someone else. And we just have such a vast array of Of colorful and beautiful and heartbreaking and just hopeful stories that, um, it just, it makes me so happy to know that at least one other mom is going to feel connected to another mom by the simple sharing of a story.
Aisha: So. So grateful for this sisterhood, like every day. Oh,
Ashley: girl. Same. It's so beautiful. Well, we have a very special voicemail to include in the episode, so we're going to play that really quick.
Anna Claire: Hi, I'm Anna Claire. I'm from Tupelo, Mississippi. And, um, Mother's Day for me is something I celebrate with honor, but also with a lot of grief. Um, Mother's Day is actually how [00:24:00] I came to find Dear NICU mama. I was in the NICU for my first Mother's Day. I just had my daughter on May 1st, so I was very fresh in the motherhood.
Anna Claire: Um, But I was given a card from a nurse, and it was the Dear NICU mama Outreach Mother's Day card, and I remember looking at it and crying because I finally felt like there was someone who understood why I needed this card, why I needed the support and the encouragement, um, and that day was, um, So hard, but I felt seen because of that card.
Anna Claire: Um, now I feel so grateful that I get to return that favor and give other moms a lift who are experiencing the things that we did during the NICU, especially in the holiday season. This year for Mother's Day, we're really going to focus on the happy parts of the last year of motherhood that I got to have.
Anna Claire: Um, while also, you know, holding space for our grief of what we thought. [00:25:00] This first year of my motherhood was going to look like. Um, we're going to take some cards to the NICU this year, which I'm so excited about. Um, we have a group of moms here in my city and they all their kids have made homemade Mother's Day cards.
Anna Claire: So me and my daughter are going to go drop those off to the NICU and that's how we're celebrating.
Ashley: Oh, we love this mama and it was so fun to hear her personal experience of receiving that Mother's Day card and now being able to give back.
Ashley: And that, um, really brings us to a good point of your generosity and the generosity of this community made our Mother's Day outreach possible this year where we were able to deliver nearly 6, 000 personalized Mother's Day cards to moms in the NICU. And this outreach is One of my favorites. It just feels so timely given the organization that we are, but really just the full circle moment it is for moms.
Ashley: And so, um, one question we get a lot is, [00:26:00] how do I volunteer for that for upcoming ones? And there is a volunteer application on our website where you can check the box for hospital outreach. We outreaches a year. And so, um, if you're interested in volunteering. for a future one, please fill that out. And to all of our volunteers who participated in this year's, we are so grateful.
Ashley: And this year, one thing we did differently is we hosted a community event where members of the community could come and help assemble these kits. And that was phenomenal. So many volunteers showed up and got to hear about what we do. And it was just so beautiful. So truly just feel so grateful that we were We were able to put this outreach together and, um, you know, we really hope that moms in the NICU feel seen and loved this year.
Ashley: So thank you for your generosity. It's truly what helps us continue to do this
Aisha: Amazing. Oh, well, thank you so much. And we hope that you guys have a wonderful Mother's Day and you are gentle with yourself and listen to what your [00:27:00] heart needs, um, on this day. But remember that you are loved and you are seen in your journey and that you are worthy of celebration and recognition. We love you so much and we'll see you next week.
Ashley: Yay! Happy
Aisha: Happy Mother's Day.
Ashley & Aisha: Thank you so much for listening to the Dear NICU Mama podcast. If you loved this episode, we'd be so grateful for a review. For more ways to connect with the Dear NICU Mama Sisterhood, check out the links in the episode description.
