Love, Perri

“Dear NICU Mama, Sometimes in order to heal, we must forgive ourselves for the moments of our journey that were out of our control.

It is so easy to blame ourselves – our bodies, our inability to be there for our babies, either physically or emotionally, our helplessness in being able to care for our children ourselves. But these things are not anything that we could have changed. Our bodies did everything they could to keep our babies safe. We were as present as we could possibly be while taking care of our families and ourselves. We trusted nurses, doctors, therapists, and more to care for our children when we couldn’t. We made sure our babies were loved.

You did your very best for your baby. It is okay to forgive yourself. You are the greatest mother your child could have.”

Love,
Perri

More of Perri + Ayla + Elias’ NICU Journeys:

“After struggling to get pregnant for months due to clinic shutdowns and jumping through many insurance hoops (both common experiences for queer couples trying to conceive), we finally found out I was pregnant in May of 2021. It was a blissful couple of months until we were surprised to learn we were having twins at our first ultrasound. My pregnancy was already somewhat high risk due to a connective tissue disorder and suddenly became much more complicated with two babies. Once we got over the twin shock, everything was relatively smooth sailing, despite the constant ultrasounds. Then, suddenly my water broke at 32 weeks, and I was told I'd be in the hospital for at least two weeks to try to get the babies to at least 34 weeks. Unfortunately they had other plans, and I went into labor about 12 hours later. Elias made a speedy arrival, and then we waited and waited and waited for our twin B. Nearly 11 hours, a shift change, and several popsicles later, Ayla finally decided to make an appearance, making sure she had her own birthday. 

Being born at the height of the first Omicron surge meant that we had very few visitors and needed to isolate ourselves when outside of the hospital to avoid bringing any illness into the NICU. I also lost a significant amount of blood during my two deliveries, which kept me in a wheelchair for several weeks as I recovered. But we showed up at the NICU every day, dealing with infections, surgery, casting, reflux, COVID tests, and more. After 35 days, Ayla came home, and 10 days later, Elias finally joined her. I am so incredibly proud of them and how far they've come in the last 17 months, and I am just as proud of my wife and I as moms for making it through the last year and a half with two NICU babies at home. We are grateful every day to have two amazing toddlers and to watch their relationships with each other grow.”