Love, Courtney
“Dear NICU Mama, When I look back on 2021, I see a woman whose courage was born with her premature baby, who fought every fear with hope, and who became a woman who I am so proud of. As NICU mamas, we suffer the loss of so many privileges and choices, and we are unexpectedly thrown into the greatest challenges of motherhood in a profoundly vulnerable state.
When every dream we had of bringing our baby into the world is replaced with a reality that we didn’t even know existed, and when every day—or sometimes every moment—is harder than the one prior, we hold on to hope. It is not an easy choice to make, and sometimes we don’t even realize that we have the choice. (Or we don’t dare make that choice too readily because our grief and fear take our breath away and leave us paralyzed.) Our grief, fear, and anger can exist and may even prevail at times, but we hold on to hope.
It may be a daily battle to choose hope, but hope is our armor. We can cling to it when our baby has a setback and lean on it when we advocate tirelessly. We can focus on it during the long drives to and from the NICU or when we try to drift off to sleep at night. Hope is stronger than fear—although it is often much less obvious and is the harder choice.
A NICU mama learns quickly and knows all too well that hope is for the educated and informed. There is no innocence or naivety to our hope, and it is never alone in our hearts or minds. And that is okay. But NICU mama, wherever you are in your journey, please try to hold onto hope—no matter how slight it may be or for whatever purpose it serves today. (Even if just to get out of bed).
Hold onto hope in this battle and be so proud of what and who it drives you to become. Your hope may be battered, bruised, faltering, and fading, but as you continue to choose it and fight with and for your baby, you are showing the world a love like no other. A NICU mama’s love is truly pure, fiercely strong, and the most selfless way to love and live. We don’t have any of the choices we expected and hoped for before becoming a NICU mama, but we can choose hope, we can show love, and we can be a mother and woman who is so proud of all she has become and is becoming.”
Love,
Courtney
More of Courtney + Callan’s NICU Journey:
“We found out we were expecting our first baby just two days before the reality of COVID hit our country and restrictions were initiated. My entire pregnancy was physically challenging, and because of the new rules in place, my husband was not allowed to attend a single appointment with me. Due to a missed diagnosis of severe IUGR, I was sent for an ultrasound at 26 weeks and was immediately admitted to the antenatal care unit at our state’s top hospital for labor and delivery and the only hospital in our state with a NICU. Unfortunately, things worsened fairly quickly and our son Callan was born by emergency c-section at 27 weeks, 3 days on August 26, 2020, weighing 610 grams (1 lb 6 oz) and measuring 11.75 inches long.
Callan’s first week in the NICU was fairly uneventful but he developed pneumonia at 2 weeks old, which was the catalyst for what turned out to be a very, very long and terrifying NICU stay. Our journey seemed truly never-ending and the future seemed uncertain for the entirety of the experience. Blood transfusions, maxed out ventilator settings, Nitric Oxide, a transport to and from another hospital in a different state for a PDA ligation, countless chest x-rays and heel-sticks and echocardiograms…multiple cancelled discharge plans, tracheotomy and gastronomy tube surgical placement, months of training in providing competent care for Callan, and transfer to our state’s children’s hospital PICU for optimizing ventilator settings. We live an hour away from the hospitals and I spent every day with Callan, often staying overnight or late into the night, while my husband worked to support our family. All the while, with COVID restrictions in place, and our families not being allowed to support us physically in the NICU and meet Callan.
After 287 days, on June 9, 2021, we brought Callan home. He came home ventilator and oxygen and g-tube dependent, and our home transformed into a little hospital, and our routines shifted again to accommodate prioritizing Callan’s care and safety. But, our hearts continue to burst with joy and gratitude over having Callan home with us, and seeing him thrive every day. The thrill of being able to hold and see and touch him whenever I want is unparalleled.
The NICU experience is still very present on our minds and in our hearts, and I imagine it will remain there for a long time to come. It is a very big part of our story, and Callan’s story, but it does not define who we are or who he is. We are learning and loving this life after the NICU, and navigating the process of honoring all that we have been through and all that we have become while we embrace our current challenges and joy and look forward to the future.”
